Haunted Memories
by SheeWolf85
Summary: Edward tries unsuccessfully to forget Bella. New chapters coming from Bella's POV and will continue as she and the Cullens search for him. Again, summary kind of sucks. Sorry. ON HIATUS.
1. Prologue

A/N: Hello! Okay, this is my very first Twilight fanfiction. I became obsessed, like so many others, when I read the first book. You can read more about that, should you desire to, on my profile… when I get it posted up there, lol.

This story was actually inspired by the song "Hate Me" by Blue October. I don't really consider it a songfic because I did not use any of the lyrics or anything like that; I just let the song inspire me. If you know the song, you should be able to see which lines inspired which parts of the story. If not, you should listen… it is great stuff.

So, for the legal stuff – of course, I do not own anything Twilight related. If I did, my name would be Stephanie Meyer… I also do not own anything Blue October related, even though I didn't actually use it in the story, I still feel compelled to clarify that.

This is a very angsty story written from Edward's point of view. It does not have a happy ending… well, it could in some sick way, but not in the way that Edward and Bella get together and live happily ever after. If you do not like Edward and Bella angst, please spare us both and don't read it. If you don't like what you read, please don't send me flames. I don't like flames, they hurt. If you do like what you read, please feel free to leave a comment.

Now enjoy the story:

* * *

HAUNTED MEMORIES

Oh, God. Not again. Not this… Anything but this. Anything but Bella. Please.

I put my hands over my ears in a futile effort to block out the thoughts which threatened to destroy my very existence.

Her hair. Her smile. Her eyes… oh, God, her eyes. Those were the happy thoughts. There were also thoughts of her smell. The way her skin looked so bright and delicious when she would blush at some insignificant thing I had said. The way the venom would pool in my mouth when she got too close to me.

I could have killed her so easily. She probably wouldn't have felt anything.

I stood up quickly. I had to get away from these thoughts… I had to get away from _her_.

I have tried everything over the last few years to forget her. The only trouble is, I can't forget. I'm cursed.

I almost smiled. Bella seemed to believe that, somehow, I was a good creature. I suppose, in some ways, those of my kind could be good. Carlisle, Esme… the others in the family I used to call my own. They were good. I was not.

I walked toward the woods near my new home, but when I reached them, I did not run. Running was useless. No matter how much space I put between myself and her, I could not forget. I walked deeper into the woods, torturing myself once again. Maybe, if I tortured myself enough, I could forgive myself. I laughed inwardly. I could never forgive myself. Never. But maybe I could earn her forgiveness.

And so I forced myself to remember the things I swore I would never remember. I forced myself to remember her lips, so warm against mine. Her hands on my face. She was always so trusting. If she only knew the thoughts that ran in my mind, she wouldn't have trusted me. She would have run. Or so I liked to tell myself.

I sat down on the damp mulch on the forest floor and leaned against a tree. I would force myself to remember every moment of my time with her. I would force myself to remember her. Maybe the pain would kill me.

I remembered one particularly beautiful night. One of the more painful memories.

She thought she knew how badly I lusted for her blood. In that night, I crept in to her room as was routine by that time. She was expecting me.

She smiled at me as I wrapped my arms around her. She was warm. So deliciously warm.

"Hi, Edward." She said softly. We always had to speak in whispers to keep from waking her father, who slept in the adjacent room.

"Good evening." I replied.

She leaned in and kissed me gently. Her breath blew out her nose, creating untold fire in my throat. As much as I loved her, I could never escape the desire, the burning _need_, to drink her blood. I went rigid next to her, hoping she would stop this torture.

She pulled away and blushed. Not helping. She smiled sweetly up at me, an apology in her large brown eyes.

"I'm sorry." She confirmed the apology her eyes told me.

I closed my eyes just for a moment to clear my mind. It was so quick that she may not have noticed. She was so observant, though, so of course she noticed. I forced an easy-looking smile onto my face.

"It's alright." I said smoothly. Somehow I truly believed that I would endure any torture for her. Any torture but the sweetest of them all. I could never drink her blood.

There was an awkward silence after that. She had noticed the forced set of my lips and her brow furrowed. She sighed, her breath directed over my shoulder. She smiled again, then moved so she could snuggle herself against my chest. I sighed, too. She knew that I wanted to kill her, and yet she still wanted me close. I could never understand her. It was times like this that I would give everything I had to be able to hear her thoughts. Even for a moment.

I wrapped my arms around her gently and pulled her close. It almost amazed me how I could never tire of watching her sleep. She was just too interesting to think of doing anything else at night. I could picture an audience, sitting in their folding chairs with their popcorn, watching Bella. I almost laughed at the ridiculous image.

"I love you." She whispered, her head still against my chest.

"I love you, too." I whispered back.

She pulled back slightly to look up at me. She obviously wasn't tired. I smiled genuinely this time. Nights like these were almost more interesting than watching her sleep. We would either talk until she finally fell asleep, then I would listen to her talk some more or we would…

My brain stuttered at the memory as I leaned forward slightly, moving away from my tree. If I could shed real tears, I would have a small pool by now. I forced myself to remember anyway.

"Edward?" Bella said softly.

"Yes, love?" I answered.

"What do you think happens when we die? Humans, I mean." She looked up at me seriously.

Always so curious.

"I'm not sure, Bella." I answered truthfully. "I would think that someone like you would go to heaven." I looked down at her suspiciously. She knew I didn't believe that we, the vampires, had any sort of afterlife awaiting us. How could we, when we had no souls to pass on? Somehow I had a hunch that she was leading me in that direction. Of course, I would follow along like a hopeless puppy.

"Do you really believe in heaven?" She asked, seeming to choose her words carefully.

"For humans, yes." I said, a little too sharply. I kissed her apologetically.

She eyed me doubtfully. "You really don't believe that vampires are allowed in heaven?" She asked quietly. She almost sounded hurt.

I sighed. We had talked about this before, but she'd never really asked flat out like that. "No." I said simply. How could she have any hope of believing we did? We were soulless, awful creatures. With only a small handful of exceptions. Even they, as good as they were, could not be allowed into heaven without a soul. We were condemned to hell for eternity.

"Why not?" She prodded. She always seemed interested in my opinions while I burned to hear her thoughts.

"Do you think we will be?" I countered.

She frowned at me, confused why I didn't answer her question. Then she smiled at me. "Of course." She said simply, as if it was a common-known fact.

I frowned this time. She always thought too highly of me.

"Why do you think you won't be?" She asked again.

I smiled at her tenacity. She would never give up. So I gave in.

"Bella," I began. She snuggled closer to me, her eyes bright as if waiting for a great revelation. I smiled. "There are very few of us, as you know, who have such a 'conscience' that we refuse to kill humans. The only ones I know of are myself, my family, and a small group of four in Alaska, Tanya's family. That's only eleven of us. Out of who knows how many vampires have been created and killed since we first walked the earth. By nature, we are not good creatures. We hold no remorse for those we kill. Carlisle was quite possibly the first vampire to deny his own thirst because of his compassion and concern for the human race. We are a damned race. When we are created, we lose sight of everything that we hold dear. We only desire blood. Show me how that is worthy of your heaven?"

She looked at me quizzically. "I don't understand, Edward." She admitted.

I sighed, pulling her head into my chest and hugging her tightly for a moment. She was so innocent.

"We are murderers, Bella. Murderers by our very nature. We are soulless, godless creatures that have no place in your heaven."

She frowned. "You don't believe that you have a soul?" She asked.

I smiled. She made it sound, again, like I was denying some well-known fact.

"That is correct." I confirmed.

She was silent for a moment, while she digested the words I'd spoken. Then she smiled at me.

"How can that be? A soulless creature certainly couldn't fall in love." She raised her eyebrows.

I laughed at her, a dark sound. "You sound so convinced." I said.

She must have seen something unexpected in my eyes because she shivered against me. She pulled the covers around her more. Maybe she was just cold. I couldn't be sure.

"I am. I wouldn't say that I'm very religious, but I would say that I have seen enough to know that someone with no soul cannot feel. They wouldn't be so consumed with a lust for knowledge and they certainly wouldn't be bothered by a conscience." She took a breath and continued. I smiled at her, amused by her sudden conviction. "If you didn't have a soul, you wouldn't be here right now. You would be off somewhere alone, without a family, killing humans with no remorse."

"You don't know that you are describing my life, once upon a time." I said gravely. Her eyes widened and she sucked in her breath. She was frightened. I tried to smile apologetically. I really hadn't meant to frighten her.

She recovered quickly, no doubt hoping that I hadn't seen her reaction. Her voice was just a little uneven when she spoke. "That's not how you are now, though."

I took a deep breath in, welcoming her scent and the flames in my throat. "Perhaps not, but it doesn't change who I am."

She shivered against me again. Maybe I was making her cold. I tried to move away from her, but she held me close. I gave in. Again.

"Why did you stop? Why aren't you still out there like the other vampires, killing humans left and right with no thought about who they're leaving behind?" She asked suddenly.

I thought about my answer before I spoke. She reached up and touched my face gently. I closed my eyes, concentrating on her question. She didn't realize that her touch made it hard to think.

"I stopped because I couldn't bear the…" I almost said 'guilt.' Almost. I backtracked, going back and explaining my situation to her. "I started because I was tired of Carlisle trying to curb my appetite, as it were. At that time, I'd never tasted human blood. I knew, however, that was our intended diet. I wanted to venture out on my own and embrace what I was." I looked at her cautiously. She looked at me evenly, either controlling her reactions very well or taking everything as coolly as only Bella could. "I found my first victim almost by accident. He was a rapist in action. I set the girl free by killing her attacker. She ran before she could see my attack. I sort of decided that night that I would hunt only the criminals. With my ability to hear their thoughts, I could do that."

I looked at her again, surprised to see her smiling. What was wrong with her? Was she going into shock now?

"Continue," she said softly. I furrowed my brow. I truly hated not being able to hear her thoughts.

"I continued that way for ten years. A full decade of murder. Carlisle had warned me about the… guilt, but I had refused to believe him. It may not have been an issue if I couldn't hear my victim's thoughts. I could hear everything they thought as I… killed them. Everything." I closed my eyes. "That is eventually why I stopped. I couldn't stand the way their thoughts affected me, trying to convince me to let them live, thinking over their life, their loved ones." I leaned into her soft hair, holding her tighter to me. I was consumed by a feeling of grief as I confessed this to her. "I found Carlisle, hoping that I would have to beg to be accepted back. Instead, he welcomed me with open arms. The entire family welcomed me home with not so much as a single thought of my betrayal."

I fell silent, knowing I had to have scared her. Maybe she would understand now. Maybe she would ask me to leave. I shouldn't have been so hopeful.

She leaned back slightly, the same smile on her face with tears dancing in her eyes. I touched the side of her eye, drawing the tear onto my fingertip. "I'm sorry," I whispered. I never intended to make her cry.

"No, Edward. It's okay." She said reassuringly. "I'm not crying. Really." She denied every second of it, even though it was plainly visible. So Bella. "Although I don't see how you could still be convinced that you don't have a soul." Right back into the old conversation. Of course. I sighed quietly.

"You see, Edward, if you didn't have a soul, you wouldn't care what your… victims thought." She hesitated on the word, looking down. "You wouldn't care who they left behind, or how they felt. You'd just kill them and move on to the next victim. And, who's to say that, without a soul, you wouldn't have gone for the rapist's victim after killing him?" She looked at me, completely convinced.

I shook my head gently. "Bella, my guilt towards their murders came only because I could hear their thoughts." I held onto my opinions strongly, not wanting to admit that she may be breaking through my conviction.

"Oh, Edward," she sighed. Her voice was kind and gentle, leaving no doubt that she was about to press her thoughts again. "Without a soul, those thoughts would mean nothing. Don't you see? It was your love of mankind that made you stop. Love that could never be there without a soul." She kissed me gently. "And the love here now, the love you feel for me, that could never be here without a soul. I love you, with everything I have, with my whole heart and soul… my whole existence. I know you love me the same, with your whole being, heart and soul." She kissed me again.

I smiled at her, knowing that if I had been able to produce tears, they would be glistening in my eyes right now. Her words were genuine, so perfect. I pulled her to me, kissing her lips softly. I almost began to believe that she could be right. Maybe… Just maybe… I could be allowed into whatever heaven awaited Bella.

I lurched forward, my elbows on my knees, head bent forward with my hands in my hair. I gripped handfuls tightly as another shudder rocked through me. That night, my beautiful Bella had almost convinced me that I had a soul. What a poor wretch I was to believe. I sat there drowning in my grief as I tried to breathe. Although I didn't really need to breathe, it seemed too suffocating, too painful to go without a breath. I breathed in ragged gasps, trying desperately to succumb to the downward spiral that seemed it would kill me. Was it possible? Could I let go and just die? I wanted to find out. I wanted to die. I gasped again as another wave of sobs shook me.

I forced myself to take another deep breath. And another. I couldn't die yet. I hadn't faced the most painful memory yet. I had to make myself feel that pain again. This time, it would surely kill me.

I concentrated on my breathing as I attempted to calm my sobs. I stood up and moved my body deeper into the forest. Did it really matter where I went? I continued walking, remembering little things about Bella, the way she had to concentrate on her feet to avoid tripping. The dark shade of her eyes, so perfect against the pale exterior of her skin. The way her heart would do double time when I would touch her, kiss her, hold her… I smiled a painful smile as I remembered her beneath me as I kissed her, her heart working overtime, her breathing erratic. Those nights were some of the best.

Of course, I could never make love to her. That would have killed her for sure. She was frustrated that I wouldn't give in to her on that subject, somehow determined that I would not hurt her. She was probably right… she probably wouldn't really feel anything before she died.

I shuddered at the thought as I walked into a small clearing. Nothing like the meadow I had shared with Bella, but a suitable place nonetheless. I walked in a few feet and lay down on my back. Now I would force myself to remember the most painful of memories… The memory that would hopefully kill me.

I closed my eyes, remembering the look in her eyes as I showed up unexpectedly. Her father had gone to La Push to go fishing with Billy and Harry, so I knew he would be gone for some time. She looked happy to see me. We had agreed that today would be her day to be alone. She didn't like it any more than I did, but it was by Alice's request. Apparently I would kill her today if I was with her. Damn Alice.

Of course, she didn't tell Bella that I would kill her today. She simply told her that the vision was cloudy and incomprehensive, other than the fact that she needed alone time. Bella accepted her farce with grace and belief, though she was disappointed that she would be without me today.

Alice probably wouldn't have told me. Too bad for her I could read her thoughts, see her visions as clearly as she could. When Bella was safely at her house and I was safely at mine with Alice, I raged. I demanded that she explain her vision. Of course, she could give me no further information than what I already had.

I cursed every deity I could think of; wondering why, if this was to be the impending future, had I ever fallen in love with Bella? Killing her would destroy me more effectively than anything the Volturi could ever dream of. I sighed. I would not kill her. I would leave. I saw in Alice's vision that this would not be denied. If not during the day that Alice had claimed as Bella's personal day, then some time when we were together. I would kill her. No. I refused to believe that.

Bella's expression was pure joy when she saw me. Obviously she had truly believed I couldn't stay away from her for very long. I hoped she was wrong. I smiled unconvincingly.

"Hi, Edward!" she practically sang as she threw herself into my arms. I hugged her gently, denying the urge to crush her to my chest and beg her to forgive me. She looked up at me, just now realizing that I was not the same as I had been yesterday. "What's wrong?" She asked quietly.

I sighed. How was I going to do this? Would she let me go? Would I have to convince her that my leaving was the only way for her to live? I thought about how I would go about doing that. I didn't know how.

"I, um," I started. I knew I should have thought about my words _before_ I started speaking. I gave my thoughts a once-over, hoping they would be convincing enough.

"Bella, I need to talk to you about something." I said. I tried to keep my tone light, but I failed. Any color that may have been in her face drained and her eyes widened. She recovered quickly, so Bella, and move back a little.

"Alright," she said in an almost disbelieving tone. "What's up?"

I tried to smile again. It felt more like a grimace. "Could we sit?" I wanted her sitting. I didn't want to have to catch her and carry her into her house after convincing her that I was leaving.

"Sure." She moved into the living room area and sat on the couch. I sat next to her, instantly wishing I'd chosen the chair. She was too close. It was too dangerous. Already, my thirst for her was getting out of control. I tried to convince myself that it was only because Alice's vision had labeled it inescapable.

"Edward, please tell me what's wrong." She begged. She suddenly looked terrified, as if I was going to tell her I was leaving her… I almost laughed.

"Bella," I started. If my heart could beat, it would be pounding. If I could sweat, I'd be drenched. I took a deep breath to try to calm myself as I continued. "Bella, there is something I need to tell you about Alice's vision." I didn't want her to think of me this way, but it was the only way.

"Edward, please tell me!" She grabbed my hands hard. If I'd been human, it might have hurt. I was concerned about her hurting her own hands, so I gently took mine from hers and sat back slightly. She looked genuinely hurt. My chest lurched.

"Alice's vision was perfectly clear. She lied to you. She lied to try to protect you, but I can see now that you will never be safe. Bella, she saw me kill you." I said the words a little too harshly, but refused to allow myself to apologize. I refused any further words until she responded.

"How is that possible, Edward? You love me." She looked confused.

"No matter how much I may love you, Bella, I still want your blood. You know that. Perhaps the… perhaps my thirst will get the better of me." I shrugged, trying to sound like I had actually thought this through.

"That's not possible, Edward!" She was almost yelling. I yearned to comfort her, to tell her she was right and I would never, ever do anything so foolish.

Just then, her hand rose to wipe a tear from her cheek and stirred the air around her. Not an uncommon occurrence. I couldn't explain to myself why her scent nearly pushed me to the edge. I couldn't explain why I had to suddenly stand up to avoid lunging for her neck. I turned my back to her, unwilling to accept Alice's visions and the fate they determined to be unavoidable.

"It is possible, Bella." I whispered, disturbed by the suddenness of the desire to sink my teeth into her soft, pale skin. I shuddered.

I could hear her shudder behind me. I could not afford to turn around just yet. The desire for her throat had not waned enough for that. I took a deep breath and held it. I would not breathe again until I was completely out of oxygen.

"No," she said defiantly. "I refuse to believe that you could hurt me. You love me, Edward." She sounded like a child.

"Yes, I do. Which is why I cannot stay here any longer. I have to leave, Bella, to keep you alive." I heard her gasp behind me. Could this get any more painful?

"Turn around and say that, Edward." She demanded. Did she think I was playing a sick game with her?

I turned slowly, praying I could keep myself under control enough to tell her again. She met my eyes, anger and disbelief swimming in her own. I wanted to sigh, but I couldn't afford to lose any of my oxygen unless necessary.

"I'm leaving, Bella. I'm leaving so I can keep you alive. I don't want to kill you." I watched as the realization that my words were true sunk in.

She looked away from me for a moment, thinking. What was she thinking? Did she believe I could walk away? Did she doubt the possibility as much as I did? She looked back at me, her eyes full of hurt questions, tears threatening to overflow again.

"How?" She asked quickly. "How can you believe that you could possibly hurt me?"

This time I did sigh in frustration. I took another deep breath, looking away from her. The thirst was unbearable. I had to get away soon before I did hurt her. I started to panic.

"Bella, please. I don't want to hurt you. I want to stay and I want to love you. How can I? How can I when every day I am with you, my thirst for you gets stronger and harder to deny?" I asked as gently as I could.

"If you don't want to hurt me, then don't leave." She stated it like it was the obvious choice, like I was quite slow for not seeing it at the beginning.

I knew I'd have to convince her. I didn't want to. "Dammit, Bella!" I shouted. I hadn't intended on shouting, but my control was at its limit. She flinched at my voice and I fought the urge to take her in my arms. "How can I explain this to you so you will understand?" I mused, still shouting. "I want your blood, Bella. Right now. I want your blood more than I want your love." The realization that my words were true hurt almost as bad as the look of pained realization on her face.

She looked at me, my face, my shoulders, my arms crossed over my chest. I could see that she'd realized I wasn't breathing. She stared at my shoulders, willing them to move with a breath. She looked into my eyes again and I recognized fear.

"I'm sorry." I said, quieter this time. "I'm sorry that I am such a horrible monster that I could even consider hurting you in any way. I have to leave, Bella. I have to leave now." I turned to leave for the door, but her anguished cry stopped.

"No, Edward, Please!" She sobbed uncontrollably for a moment. I turned, my hand on the door, to look at her. "Please! Just stay here. Stay with me!" She begged, her voice breaking with her sobs.

"I can't, Bella! I can't because nothing could possibly destroy me more than if I were to hurt you." I said truthfully.

"You would rather leave me now, never to see me again, than spend a few more hours with me?" She asked painfully.

My anger flared.

"Are you telling me that you _want_ me to kill you?" I yelled. She flinched again, slowly shaking her head. I could see the tears falling openly down her cheeks. I envied her. I wanted her. I stopped myself as I moved toward her. I could not trust myself yet. Ever. "I cannot stay. If I stay, you will die. Not in a few hours. You don't know how loudly your blood is screaming for me right now." I closed my eyes and allowed myself an uneasy breath. The pain was unbearable.

When I opened my eyes, I could see her staring at me. She still couldn't let me go. My leaving would hurt her just as badly as it would hurt me. I had to think of something to make her understand, to make her realize that her death was an all too real possibility. I had to make her fear me. My stomach heaved as I spoke my next words.

I let my hand slide from the doorknob and I turned to face her completely. Although I kept myself under a more strict control than I had ever been able to hold before, I forced my body to appear fairly normal.

"Perhaps I should give in to its call?" I asked nonchalantly. She looked at me, confused. She started to shake her head, possibly about to tell me that she didn't understand. I spoke before she could. "Perhaps, I should give in and take you now. You would taste so _good_." I smiled, though I was struggling to maintain my control over myself. I prayed I could pull this off. If not, I would end up killing her and I would die from ecstasy and regret.

I slowly lowered myself into my hunter's crouch. I saw the flicker of understanding cross her face as her eyes widened in fear. She stopped breathing for a moment.

I couldn't allow myself to be swayed by her fear. I had to focus. I moved toward her slowly, knowing she couldn't understand that this was the complete opposite of a real hunt. If this was a real hunt, she'd be dead already.

She backed up slowly, choking on her breath, trying to speak. I'd succeeded in making her fear me. Now I had to convince her that I meant what I'd said. I continued my advance in silence, watching her every move with forced concentration.

Her back hit the wall and she pushed herself against it, looking at me with pleading eyes. She didn't want to die. I took solace in that fact, but continued my advance. I would continue until I felt my control breaking. Then I would act as though I realized what I was doing, apologize, and then leave.

It seemed like a good plan.

"Edward, please." She whispered, the fear in her voice making her words shake. "Please stop." She held up her hands as if they could really shield her against my attack.

I forced an evil grin on my lips as I continued my advance. I was only five feet away from her now. The tears pouring from her eyes made the brown color brighter, almost gold. I refused to allow myself the pleasure of looking into them lovingly. I couldn't afford to let her see past my façade.

"Oh, God." She stuttered. "Edward." She crumpled to the floor. At first, I was afraid she had fainted, and then I realized that she was still staring at me. Her knees must have given out on her. "Please!" She sobbed. "Stop, Edward!" She looked on either side of her, and then in a move that surprised me, she bolted to the right, moving past me quickly, for her, and ran down the hall. I was actually quite impressed that she managed the whole journey without tripping once. I turned and ran, reaching the door before she could.

She stopped in her tracks, not one foot from me, and gasped. Somehow she had not expected me to move so quickly and her shock sent her rocking backward. She tripped on her own feet and fell backward with a thud against the hard wood of the floor. She looked up at me with undisguised panic as she scrambled to get up and move toward the back door. I let her go this time. I followed her at a more human pace as she ran out the back door, heading for the forest. How did she think she was going to escape me in a place that I undoubtedly knew better than she did? Typical Bella, she surprised me. She turned and ran, screaming at the top of her lungs.

I stopped. What was she hoping to accomplish? Was she hoping that someone would hear her and come to her rescue? I had to stop her. I didn't want to get my family in any trouble over my departure.

"Bella," I said, using the voice I knew she loved. She turned toward me hesitantly, as though expecting to see me right next to her, ready to strike. "You don't really want to seal anyone else's fate tonight, do you?" I asked, faking playfulness in my voice.

Her eyes widened. She realized that I would be forced to kill anyone she brought into this. She would, of course, take the blame of their death in her hands. I had counted on it. She put her head in her hands as the sobs tore through her. I knew I had made my point. I had to leave now.

"Oh, God." I whispered.

She looked at me uncertainly.

"What have I done?" I asked myself, not having to work hard to form the regret in my tone. I moved toward her slowly, my arm extended. I prayed she would hate me now. I prayed she would refuse my touch. Amazingly, my prayers were answered.

She moved away from me too quickly and fell, turning and landing on her hands and knees. She moved to a sitting position. It looked like she was giving up. That made me sad, but I couldn't show it too much. I stopped, looking at the fear on her face. She was afraid of me now. She was afraid like I had warned her to be when we first met. How I wished she would have taken my advice when I first gave it to her!

"I'm sorry." I whispered. Then I turned and I ran. I ran to my home to get whatever I may need, if anything, for my final goodbye.

Carlisle and Alice were there, waiting for me. Neither looked very happy to see me. I refused to speak to anyone as I went to my room and slammed the door so hard it broke. I sat on the couch for a moment, letting the misery of the moment wash over me. I reminded myself that this was the better of the two available options. I had to believe that. I cried out from the pain in my chest and realized that my dead heart was breaking. I hadn't allowed myself to feel the pain enough before to let it come to this earlier. I clutched my chest tightly, sobbing tearless sobs, praying that I could die now. Of course, that prayer could never be answered. There were ways that I could die, I could go to Italy, or I could find my way to La Push. Of course, if I went to La Push, I would put my whole family in danger. I would break the treaty. Although I was sure that any of those mongrels could do the job if I let them, I could not allow my family to be put at risk because of my grief.

I heard a knock on the door. I couldn't speak to tell them to enter. They entered anyway. Alice came in with Carlisle behind her. It was obvious from their expressions that they thought I'd killed her. Even though Alice could still see her future, they were certain that she was dead. I could feel both of their confusion as they came to stand beside me. Carlisle sat and put his hand reassuringly on my shoulder.

_It will be okay._ He thought. Of course he wasn't mad at me. I felt even worse as I realized that he had forgiven me for anything I could have done, no matter what it was. I sobbed again.

_I don't understand._ Alice thought as she tried to figure out why she could still see Bella when she was dead.

"Bella is not dead." I managed to croak, my voice breaking.

The relief in both of their minds was overwhelming. How could they forgive me so completely when they didn't even know what I had done?

"I'm leaving." I said absurdly. Surely Alice could see that. She had been too focused on trying to figure out why she could still see Bella. She could see it now, though. She could see me trying to get as far away as possible. She could see that she would never see me again. Somehow I took comfort in that. Somehow I took comfort in the fact that I would never come here again. I would never endanger Bella again. "Please take care of her." I begged. "Please tell her that I did love her." My voice ended before the sentence as another sob shook through me. I clutched at my chest again, wondering how long it would be before this horrible ache would end. Would my body rip itself in half? Is that how I would die?

"Of course." Carlisle said soothingly. "She will always be protected." He smiled at me. He had even forgiven me for leaving the family. I couldn't take anymore. I had to get away.

I stood up and looked once around the room. "Please tell the others that… That I love them." I said quietly. I couldn't bear to see Jasper, Emmett, Rose… Another sob as I thought of Esme. What would she think when she found out I was never coming back? Would she shoulder the blame? "Please, please tell Esme that I love her very much. None of this is her fault. I will never forget her. I've got to go."

I turned and ran. I didn't stop until I'd reached the border to Canada. I didn't know where I was going, but I would find some way to get away from here. I went up to Alaska, crossing the tiny expanse of ocean between lands into Russia.

I'd curled into a ball somewhere during the memory. The sobs racked my body as I begged for death. How hard could it be? How hard could it possibly be to die? Impossible.

I wretched silently as the sobs left me sick to my stomach. I hadn't had an actual stomach ache in almost 100 years. The last one was on my deathbed as a human. I was glad that my stomach was empty. I hadn't hunted in almost a month now, trying starvation as a possible method of death. Of course, it wouldn't work. It had taken almost as much concentration as that last confrontation with Bella to keep myself from hunting.

I felt an odd sensation in my left eye as I looked up at the sky. Blue. I hated the color with a passion. I hated every color but brown. Brown had been Bella's favorite color the day I'd asked her. It was warm. It was soft. It was the color of her eyes, her hair… I closed my eyes tightly as another wave of agony shook me. The sensation in my eye became almost pain. I had gotten something in it. It wasn't enough to make me move from my position. I blinked a few times to make it go away. It didn't work.

I held on to the last good memory of Bella. The memory of her eyes, looking at me with love rather than fear. They were so brown, so deep… so Bella. I shook my head slowly as I remembered the lust in those eyes as we'd kissed. Another sob. How could the pain possibly get any worse than this?

The pain in my left eye turned into a wet sensation on my left cheek. I raised my hand to my face, confused. When I pulled my fingers back, there was a drop of water smeared across them. I looked back up at the sky. Still blue. It wasn't raining. I sobbed again, and I felt another drop of water roll from my eye. I touched my face again. I was crying. Tears. Real tears. Two of them. I felt lightheaded for a moment before the colors around me began to fade into one another, seemingly moving into a single shade of green. I had never seen anything so blurred in the entire time I'd been a vampire. The sensation reminded of a very weak human memory. The memory of how everything would blur together before it started waving and fading. The memory of a time I'd passed out as a human. Was this what was happening? Was I about to pass out? Could a vampire pass out?

Almost on cue, the blurry shade of green began to wave, fading into a darker, blacker shade of green. I felt my head hit the ground as the green became black. I thought I would never lose consciousness. It seemed to drag on forever. I couldn't make myself move. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. That was good. If I couldn't think, I couldn't think of her. Finally, as if granting one final wish, I was allowed unconsciousness.


	2. Chapter 1

Author's Notes - Yes, this was supposed to be a oneshot, but if you've read my profile, you know that I decided to turn it into a full story on the insistence of my best friend and my own curiosity. So sorry to anyone who had an emotional attachment to this story as a oneshot only. I've changed the first chapter to the prologue and this is the new first chapter (confused?). From this point on, the story will focus on Bella's point of view and we will see her as she struggles to live life without Edward and the decisions she makes as graduation comes nearer.

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 1

BPOV

I stared at the washer intently, as if the harder I stared at it, the faster it would clean the clothes so I could busy myself with putting them in the dryer. I sighed, looking at the clock. I really didn't see how alone time was good for me when I was so miserable without him.

Yesterday Alice surprised me by telling me that I needed to spend today by myself. She looked apologetic and explained again that her visions were never really perfect, but that she definitely got the impression that I needed some time to myself. I wanted to ask her if it would be okay if I was alone with Edward, but the tone of her voice and the look in her honey eyes told me not to even try it. She'd made up her mind, and Edward wasn't protesting, so obviously she wasn't lying to me… Not that she would anyway.

So here I was, doing laundry and waiting for this miserable day to end so I could be with Edward again.

Shifting my focus back to the washer, I looked at the dial and saw that it was almost done. I'd put them in the dryer and start another load, then go back to wasting my time, watching the dryer instead.

I heard a light tap on the door and furrowed my brow. I wasn't expecting anyone. I walked to the door and opened it, utterly shocked to see Edward standing there, as beautiful as ever. A small part of me really had hoped he would come today in spite of Alice.

"Hi, Edward!" I exclaimed stupidly, rushing forward and dying to be in his arms again. He held me gently. To careful for my taste; I wanted him to hold me tight and confess that he was here because he just couldn't stay away from me. I looked up at him, puzzled, and noticed the look on his face.

The corners of his lips were pulled up in a sad excuse for a smile and his eyebrows were knitted together. It was the look in his eyes that got to me, though. He looked… sad, desperate.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He sighed, looking past me for a moment. What was going on? He didn't look like he was here because he simply couldn't stay away from me.

"I, um," he stammered. It was so unlike Edward to stumble on words that he had me worried right then. He stopped and closed his eyes for half a second before meeting my gaze again.

"Bella, I need to talk to you about something." He said, a little too calmly. Almost business-like. My eyes widened and I could feel the color drain from my face. I told myself I was overreacting horribly and we could work through whatever it was that he needed to tell me.

"Alright," I said, wincing inwardly at how my voice shook. Forcing myself to believe that his cold demeanor was just my imagination, I made myself lighten up. "What's up?" I asked calmly.

He gave me a small smile, looking down. "Could we sit?" He asked. I looked at him quizzically for a moment.

"Sure." I said, leading him to the living room area. I sat down, watching him sit next to me. He really was starting to frighten me. What was going on? He just sat there, looking at me.

"Edward, please tell me what's wrong." I said in my most reassuring tone. I couldn't help the sudden wave of terror that washed over me. What if… I forced myself to forget it instantly, but it stayed close by, toying with the edges of my sanity.

"Bella," He said my name quietly, then stopped. I sat there on pins and needles waiting for him to continue, my dark thoughts getting stronger. "Bella, there is something I need to tell you about Alice's vision." He stopped, and the panic ran through me. Something was wrong with Alice. Oh, god!

"Edward, please tell me!" My voice was getting closer to hysteria as I grabbed his fingers, willing him to pull me into his embrace and tell me Alice was okay. I felt tears forming in my eyes and I willed them away, knowing she had to be okay.

He pulled his fingers away from mine and sat back slightly on the couch. I wanted to scream at him, but a strange pain shuddered through my chest when he denied me even the smallest amount of comfort.

"Alice's vision was perfectly clear. She lied to you." My eyes widened at his confession. What did she see, then? Why would she lie? "She lied to try to protect you, but I can see now that you will never be safe. Bella, she saw me kill you." It took a moment for his words to sink in. When they did, I fought the urge to laugh at him. I looked at his eyes and all thoughts of humor left. He was absolutely serious, and that made me furious.

I tried logic first. "How is that possible, Edward? You love me."

"No matter how much I may love you, Bella, I still want your blood. You know that. Perhaps the… perhaps my thirst will get the better of me." He shrugged his shoulders, as if he honestly didn't care.

Of course I knew that he wanted my blood. That was the whole reason that we were even together right now; because he sniffed me and wanted to kill me. I knew that, but I also knew that our bond was so much deeper than that. He loved me. And he shrugged it off as if it were nothing. An angry and hurt tear betrayed me, falling down my check as I spoke.

"That's not possible, Edward!" I fought to keep my voice under control. I raised my hand to wipe the tear away and he stood up, facing away from me. I glared at his back, hoping to see the spot start smoking from the heat of my gaze.

"It is possible, Bella." He whispered. There was a new quality in his voice that made me shudder.

I thought about what he said and wondered how it could possibly be true. He had sat beside me and smelled my neck, wrists, breath… He had kissed me and dealt with paper cuts and other minor scrapes that went along with being me. If he was going to kill me, he would have done it by now. I nodded to myself; it seemed only logical to me.

"No," I said defiantly, "I refuse to believe that you will hurt me. You love me, Edward." If the moment hadn't been what it was, I might have laughed at the whiney edge that had crept into my voice, making me sound like a kid trying to prove their point.

"Yes, I do," He said softly. I smiled. It was too soon. "Which is why I cannot stay here any longer. I have to leave, Bella, to keep you alive."

The fear I had pushed away earlier suddenly came back to life and I gasped with the intensity. Edward was leaving me. NO! I fought with everything I had not to burst into tears like a baby. Instead, I demanded that he turn around and say it to my face. It was the only thing I could think of to say. I watched as his back stiffened, then he turned slowly. He looked into my eyes and I saw the pain he was feeling. I saw determination and even anger. Whether at me or the situation, I didn't know, but he was angry. He looked at me for a moment, then spoke again.

"I'm leaving, Bella. I'm leaving so I can keep you alive. I don't want to kill you." I almost laughed. He didn't want to kill me. Didn't he know leaving me would kill me? Suddenly all the anger and fear was swept aside, leaving only pain and disbelief behind. He really was serious. Tears welled in my eyes again and I fought to keep them under control.

"How," I asked, not wanting to give up just yet. "How can you believe that you could possibly hurt me?" The tears in my eyes brimmed over, leaving one wet streak down each cheek.

He sighed, the look in his eyes getting harder to comprehend. His eyes were not light, but they were not dark, either. It had been about a week since his last hunting trip, so I knew it wasn't the normal thirst getting to him now.

"Bella, please," he begged. His voice made my heart ache; it was pure silk, but laden with pain. "I don't want to hurt you. I want to stay and I want to love you. How can I? How can I when every day I am with you, my thirst for you gets stronger and harder to deny?"

He wanted to stay. And yet he had decided he was leaving. I didn't understand him. "If you don't want to hurt me, then don't leave." I said obviously.

"Dammit, Bella!" He suddenly shouted at me. The abrupt change in his voice made me jump. "How can I explain this to you so you will understand?" He was talking to me like I was a three year old and I didn't like it. "I want your blood, Bella. Right now. I want your blood more than I want your love."

I looked at him, shocked. It had always been my love above my blood. Always. What had I done to make his love for me less than his thirst for me? I looked at him and realized suddenly that he wasn't breathing. The only time he had ever stopped breathing around me was when I was bleeding. I hadn't cut myself at any time that I was aware of. I wasn't on my cycle, which didn't seem to bother him anyway. I realized I was staring at his motionless shoulders and moved my eyes to his. The look in his eyes told me that he was being very honest with me. He truly wanted to kill me in that moment more than he wanted to love me. I was surprised to find fear among the pain growing steadily in my chest.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible monster that I could even consider hurting you in any way. I have to leave, Bella. I have to leave now."

He turned and walked toward the door and the fear that I might never see him again outweighed the fear of his thirst.

"No, Edward, please!" I shouted. In that moment, the pain broke through my concentration and I heaved with sobs. He was gone. I would never see him again. "Please! Just stay here. Stay with me!" I begged him.

"I can't, Bella!" I looked up at him, surprised and elated to find he wasn't gone yet. I still had a chance. "I can't because I don't want to hurt you." He said honestly. I believed him, but I was still hurt.

"You would rather leave me now, never to see me again, than to spend a few more hours with me?" I asked, incredulous.

His eyes became dark with anger, and I wondered what I had said to cause it. Suddenly he was yelling again.

"Are you telling me that you _want_ me to kill you?" I flinched at his anger and shook my head. I had only meant that he could stay a few more hours, then leave so he wouldn't be tempted anymore. He didn't have to stay the night if his thirst was really as bad as it seemed to be.

"I cannot stay." He yelled again. "If I stay, you will die. Not in a few hours. You don't know how loudly your blood is screaming for me right now."

I watched as he closed his eyes and took a very shaky breath. I could see the pain on his face as my scent assaulted him. I stared, hoping that he would understand that if he walked through that door, I was dead anyway. He looked at me with the same pained expression for a few more seconds, then I saw his face change. It was suddenly calm. Not just calmer, it was close to peaceful. His hand slid from the doorknob and he turned to face me. His arms fell limp to his sides. There was something that was not right about the way he was standing. It seemed almost too relaxed.

"Perhaps I should give in to its call?" He asked calmly. I didn't understand what he meant at first. I wanted to ask him, but he started speaking again. "Perhaps, I should give in and take you now. You would taste so _good_." He almost seemed to salivate on the word as he slowly bent down into a position I had only ever seen him take in play. This was not playing. He was serious.

The walls of the house seemed to close in on me in that second as Edward took his first step toward me. Panic rose in my chest and I tried to scream at him to tell him this was not funny, but I couldn't find the words. He kept his advance and I stumbled backwards.

I fought my tears, but they wouldn't stop. This was so new to me and I couldn't believe he would really just give in like that. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind, I heard a voice tell me this was not how his attack should have been. It was wrong somehow, but I couldn't place it.

Fight or flight started to kick in and I felt an overwhelming need to try to fight him off. His words from the meadow came back to me as clearly as if he had started speaking them to me now, advancing on me with his eyes burning with a thirst I never knew possible for him. _"As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off." _

I swallowed hard and kept backing up until my back hit the wall behind me. I finally found my voice and pleaded with him to stop. He didn't seem to hear me. I raised my hands in an instinctive gesture and saw him smile wickedly at them.

Something in the way he smiled at me made me snap. Somehow I suddenly knew he was not the same Edward I fell in love with. He was a different Edward now… And this Edward didn't love me. He only wanted my blood.

"Oh, God." I mouthed. "Edward." I wanted my Edward back. I wanted him to stop what he was doing and love me again. The thought made my knees buckle and I fell to the floor. Of course he could count on me being a very easy target. Even if, by some incredible chance of fate, I was able to have anything like a chance at escape, my horrible balance and uncanny ability to trip while standing still would undoubtedly aid in his hunt.

I begged again for him to stop, knowing it was useless. This new Edward didn't care that he was scaring me. He didn't care that the old Edward would have killed him for this. He kept coming closer and I looked for some way around him, fight or flight still intact. I saw an opening to my right and could see down the hall to the door. Before I could even think about what I was doing, I was sprinting down the hall, my fingers almost reaching the door handle.

Suddenly he was in front of me. How stupid had I been? Undoubtedly my little stunt only made this more enjoyable for him. I stumbled backward, falling on my back in front of him. I saw his movement to come down on me and I struggled as hard as I could to move my legs in a somewhat coordinated way to get me off the floor and moving toward the back door. I flew down the hall, almost surprised that I made it before he did. I burst out the door, running along the edge of trees and started screaming for everything I was worth.

That voice in the back of my head told me again that this was wrong somehow. This is not how it should have happened.

"Bella." I heard Old Edward behind me and turned, suddenly afraid that New Edward and Old Edward had become two people. How stupid. He stood there, smiling that crooked smile that I loved. I wanted to rip it off his face. New Edward shouldn't be able to have that smile. It was pure Old Edward. "You don't really want to seal anyone else's fate tonight, do you?" New Edward asked, his voice playful. This was a game to him.

My eyes widened at the thought of someone else coming to see what all the screaming was about. He would kill them too. He probably wouldn't care about it either. New Edward didn't seem to care about anything that Old Edward would have cared about.

I put my head in my hands and I sobbed. I sobbed for the loss of Old Edward. I sobbed for the loss of my life. I wondered how New Edward was going to explain this to my father. Or would he simply leave the situation to Old Edward to clean up the mess? How would Old Edward cope without me? I sobbed harder, hoping against hope that Old Edward didn't have to remember killing me.

"Oh, God." It was Old Edward's voice again, but I knew better. Old Edward was gone until I was dead. I looked at him, wondering when New Edward was going to kill me. "What have I done?"

He stepped closer to me and I tried to get away again, stumbling on my feet and falling down. I gave up. How could I possibly think that I was going to escape him? The only options I had at this point were to run back into the house so he could slaughter me on my couch; run into the woods so he could slaughter me somewhere out there; or stay right where I was so he could slaughter me with the most convenience on his part. I braced myself for the coming torture, not sure how it was going to feel.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice full of pain and sorrow.

And then he was gone.

I sat there in shocked disbelief for a long time, wondering when he was going to come back to finish his little game. I really didn't like New Edward.

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Thank you for reading! Please drop me a review and let me know what you think of it. I know this chapter was a bit redundant of the last little bit of the prologue, but it is rather important to see Bella's point of view in this moment for the rest of the story.


	3. Chapter 2

Haunted Memories

Chapter 2

I jumped when I heard Charlie coming in the house. I had been extremely jumpy ever since New Edward left me behind my house two days ago. Every new or loud noise made me jump. I had dreams that Old Edward came to save me, but New Edward defeated him. I always woke in cold sweats. I locked my window, knowing it wouldn't do anything against a vampire who wanted in. Nonetheless, it did help me feel slightly safer.

Charlie seemed to notice something was different, but I didn't know if he noticed the lack of Edward or if he linked the two together.

After New Edward left that first day, I sat outside waiting for him for what felt like hours. Eventually, I stood up on shaky legs and walked slowly back to the house. The living room was in slight disarray from my running through it. I cleaned up what I could and walked to my bedroom. I didn't come down that night, but I made plenty of noise to make sure Charlie knew I was home and safe… for the time being.

I felt a strange emptiness in my chest, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't dying yet. If you had asked me last week what I would do if Edward left, I would have told you that my world would be ripped into shreds and I would die a horrible, lonely, painful death. I chuckled humorlessly to myself. I was so melodramatic.

After sitting in my room for about 15 hours, I decided that I was not dying because my Edward was not my Edward anymore. A new, frightening Edward had taken his place.

I also decided that I definitely needed a long time to get back to being human. I showered and all but raced to the kitchen, feeling a little guilty about Charlie's dinner the night before.

I made a salad and ate it quickly, my stomach growling angrily at my lack of feeding it.

"Hey, Bella." Charlie greeted me quietly, bringing me out of my reverie.

"Hey, dad." I had taken to speaking very quietly. I'm not even sure why, but I was afraid to speak loudly. Maybe it was just because, somehow, I was afraid that New Edward would find me and kill me if I did speak too loudly. I sighed.

I put dinner on the table and did my best to act normal. It worked for the most part because Charlie was never the type to pry. I wonder what he would have done if he had come home to find me drained of all my blood on the sofa. I shivered. Then I remembered that not even New Edward could be that stupid. My body would undoubtedly be buried or whatever it is that vampires do with their victim's bodies so they're not discovered. I looked at Charlie sadly. He would never have known what had happened to me. Maybe he would have thought I ran away. I sighed again and cleaned up dinner, excusing myself to my room.

I sat on my bed for a long time, thinking about the events that led up to New Edward's appearance and wondering how Old Edward was doing. I was worried about him. Was he still at the mercy of New Edward?

I sighed and got ready for bed, laying back on the sheets and pulling the blankets around me. I missed Old Edward coming in through my window and holding me while I slept. I shuddered at the thought of New Edward coming through my window.

I fell asleep rather quickly that night, exhausted from my day of jumping at every noise and trying to see all around me at all times.

That night, my dream was different than the previous two nights. Old Edward was there, but New Edward never made an appearance. Old Edward held me and hummed my lullaby, rocking me back and forth as though we were dancing. He was just about to kiss me when I woke up, crying.

I sat in my bed, missing Old Edward more than I ever had before. I wanted him to hold me more than anything else in that moment. I wrapped my arms around myself and thought about him, hoping that if I thought hard enough, he could somehow break through whatever barrier that kept him from my thoughts and hear me calling for him.

I sat like that for an eternity, before I finally realized I wasn't breathing. I gasped out a breath and held my chest tighter, wishing my arms could somehow transform into his.

Giving up, I lay back down and looked at the clock. It was almost time to get up anyway, so I climbed out of bed to start my day.

School was horrendous. It usually was anyway, but it was somehow worse today because none of the Cullens were there. I had hoped to see at least Alice or Emmett. I wasn't sure if I could handle a run-in with Rosalie and Jasper would undoubtedly do something about my misery. I wanted my misery.

I sat at my lunch table with Jessica, Mike and Angela. I wanted to sit at my old table where Old Edward and I used to sit and talk.

Jessica was too absorbed with Mike to notice anything wrong with me, which I didn't mind, but Mike and Angela noticed. They also noticed the lack of my boyfriend. Unlike Charlie, they let me know that they put the pieces together.

Of course I could never tell them what really happened. They would put me in the psych ward faster than I could say 'gotcha.' So I made up a story about how Edward and I broke up. It was painful. Technically it was correct, considering we did have a big fight and he left, saying he would never come back, but I made it sound so much more human than it actually was.

The day finally ended and I left, seeing a very familiar silver Volvo leaving the parking lot. I was suddenly furious. He had come to school and wouldn't even let me see him! He wasn't there in Biology and none of the others were there. Had he turned them on me as well?

I ground my teeth together as I climbed into my truck and started it. I backed out carefully, and when I was on the main road, I floored it. I had never taken my poor truck past 40 miles per hour before. Edward had, but I hadn't. I pushed the memory away; I wanted to concentrate on the anger I was feeling now. I hoped that if I was angry enough, I could confront him and make him confess to me what had happened today.

I was sure he was already home by now even though I wasn't even halfway there yet. I sped as fast as my poor truck would go, hoping to get there before Alice warned him that I was on my way. I wondered how much Alice had actually been in on the plan when Edward decided to leave.

Then I shook my head at myself. Here I was contemplating conspiracy theories when my Old Edward was probably tearing himself apart for letting New Edward get so carried away. Alice had probably seen New Edward succeed, but Old Edward had defeated him. The thought made me smile and I felt a little hope building in my chest.

I pulled onto the dirt path that led to his house and slowed down a little. I didn't want my truck to fall apart because of the bumpy road.

I finally pulled in front of their house. The garage was closed, so I couldn't see if Edward had been able to escape me or not.

I shook my head again and carefully climbed down from the truck. I was almost surprised to see the door open before I even made it up the steps to the porch.

Alice stepped out of the house and closed the door behind her. She smiled unconvincingly at me. She stopped at the top of the stairs, just a few feet away from me, then sat down on the first step and indicated for me to set next to her.

I looked at her, confused, but then decided to play along. Maybe she was letting Edward get away… Maybe she was protecting me from him.

I didn't sit next to her. Instead, I stood before her and stared at her for a few seconds, trying to judge the emotion in her face. What I saw there scared me. The most prominent emotion on her face and in her eyes was pain. And her pain broke me.

"Alice…" I sat down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. I wanted to soothe whatever pain she was experiencing.

"Bella," she started, looking at me with the same pain and sadness in her eyes. "I'm so sorry about the last few days. And about today. I just… we just…" She stopped and looked at me for a few more minutes, then pulled me to her and hugged me hard.

"I've missed you, Bella. Things have not been the same since Edward left. It is so lonely and I never have anyone to play with since Rosalie is never in the mood." She stroked my back and I imagined her face as a human, tear streaks running down from her eyes. The image made me want to cry. And then her words sunk in.

"Edward is gone?" I asked incredulously. She didn't let me pull away; instead she just nodded into my hair.

I pushed away from her anyway and looked at her. "When did he leave?" I asked harshly.

She looked at me uncertainly for a minute, then understanding crossed her features with her brows furrowing together. "Do you think he left you there, then stayed here in Forks?"

I looked down and nodded. Somehow I had really hoped he would still be here, no matter how much that meant he was avoiding me.

"Bella, he left that night. He has not been back since and I do not know where he is going. He does not have a destination in mind, he is just going. He was not lying to you. He's never lied to you."

I stared at her as I let her words sink in. He really was gone. "Tell me everything." I managed.

She looked down and took a deep breath before starting.

"The day I told you that you should spend alone… I saw something that I didn't want to believe. My visions have never been infallible and I wanted so hard to believe that there was nothing either you or Edward could do to make him hurt you. But all the same I saw him, Edward, bite you and kill you. I have never really been able to see dates, although sometimes something in the vision gives it away. There are also times when I just sense the timing."

She looked at me awkwardly before continuing. "There wasn't really anything in my vision to give away the timing, although I could feel when it would happen. I couldn't tell you that I saw him kill you because I knew you would never believe me. I knew you would be even more obstinate and demand that he be with you. I couldn't take that chance. When you agreed, I felt like rejoicing because you would be with us a little while longer.

"Edward was furious. I have never, in the whole time I have known him, ever seen him so angry. I tried to apologize and he seemed to understand that I couldn't control what I was seeing. I didn't like it any more than he did. The decision was made, however, to keep you separate for that day, and hopefully the vision would go away.

"It didn't. It did, however change slightly. It was no longer that day. It was a different time. Each time a new image would come into my head, Edward would do something to decide it wouldn't happen then, and the vision would change again. But it always ended the same."

She stood up and started down the stairs slowly. I followed her into the woods where we walked and I listened to her intently, hoping for some indication of how Old Edward beat New Edward in the quest for my life. I wondered if he told her about that or how he acted when he came home.

"Then he made the decision to leave. He decided to leave Forks and never come back and the vision of your death disappeared. I think he hated me then. He truly hated me with everything he had because my visions were telling him that you would die unless he left. He didn't take long to make up his mind so completely that I could see that he would never come back to us. It made me so sad and I wanted to tell him there was another way, but then he was gone. He went to see you and I tried so hard to leave him alone. I tried to keep my thoughts on other things to give him privacy while he said goodbye to you.

"He had been gone probably half an hour when your death suddenly came into my visions again. It was the same as the first vision. He was stalking you, and you died. I told Carlisle what was going on and he asked everyone to leave for a while so he and I could go to Edward and bring him back to us without a huge spectacle. Before we could even leave the house, though, he came back through the door and bolted into his room.

"I saw you at the same time I heard his cry. I have never heard any sound more excruciating than Edward that night. The mere sound of it convinced me he had killed you. There was no way he could be experiencing so much pain unless you were dead."

She jumped over a log in the path and stopped to wait for me as I climbed over it clumsily, losing my balance more than three times. With her help, I finally made it over the log with no broken bones. She smiled and continued walking.

"Carlisle and I went to him, trying to comfort him. I realized at that point that I could still see your future. I saw you, going to school, greeting your father, living. I was so confused because you were dead. I saw him hunting you and I saw your face, cold and dead.

"Edward told us that you were still alive and that's when I saw him again, leaving us and never coming back. He left only a few moments after that. It wasn't until the next day that I finally put the pieces together. I knew that he would never desire to hunt you because of his love for you. I also knew that if he were hunting you the way he would normally hunt for a meal, you would be dead. He had been faking it to make you believe that he was serious."

She finally stopped walking and turned toward me, leaning against a tree. "Because he was serious, Bella."

I shook my head to myself slowly. I didn't want to believe it, but it finally made sense. The voice I had heard in my head was right; there was something wrong with his attack… because he wasn't really attacking me. He was trying to make me see something that I refused to believe. I still refused to believe it, to an extent. I knew that he meant everything he had said about wanting to kill me and wanting to love me. I just wished that, somehow, he could love me without the fear of losing me to his intense need for my blood.

"You don't believe me?" She asked, almost sounding heartbroken. I sighed and looked into her butterscotch eyes.

"I believe you, Alice. I just… I never imagined that he could leave and now he is gone. I am finally putting together some of the details that made it so hard to believe. I just wish…" I shook my head, looking down.

I felt her arms go around me and I put my face to her shoulder, crying into her. I had cried so many times since Edward left, but this was the first time I felt any kind of release. New Edward and Old Edward molded back into one person, just as it should be. There never was a New Edward… only Edward, hell-bent on proving his point.

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Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 3

Haunted Memories

Chapter 4

I suffered through the rest of the week rather ungracefully, even for me. The novelty of my 'breakup' with Edward finally died and people left me alone… mostly. Eric and Tyler tried to talk me into going out with them. I told them that it was too soon after my breakup to start dating again. I hated making it sound like they might ever have a chance, considering Edward was probably the only person I could ever really love. But I couldn't really tell them that I was waiting for my vampire love to come back to me.

I truly did believe that Edward would come back to me someday. I prayed for it.

I spent Saturday with Alice. She was thrilled to have me back in her life. We stayed away from her house, though, because the look Rosalie gave me scared me so badly I was convinced she was going to kill me for chasing her brother away.

Alice tried to tell me that Rosalie would not kill me, but I didn't believe her. Rosalie had always scared me, but this seemed worse.

Instead of sitting around the house, we walked around the woods and talked. Every now and then Jasper would join us. I hadn't really paid much attention to Jasper, mostly because he had always stayed on the sidelines. I was happy that he wasn't letting me keep him away from Alice. I would never want that.

I learned a lot about Jasper that day.

First was that he loved Alice just as much as I loved Edward. That fact alone solidified all the respect I had for him.

The second thing I learned about Jasper was that he was very, very uptight. It seemed strange to me that he would be so rigid when he liked to calm people down against their will. That was wrong, he didn't like it. That was the third thing I learned.

Alice never left me alone with Jasper. He was the newest addition to their family of 'vegetarians' and she didn't want to do that to him. Or me.

I also learned that while he was very gifted in manipulating the emotions of others, his own were often in turmoil. He welcomed any situation that was naturally happy or calm and tended to shy away from those that were hectic. I could only imagine what my emotions felt like to him. I tried to be happy for his sake, but I couldn't find it in me. Watching them together made me remember why I was here alone - because the one I was made for couldn't stand the smell of my blood anymore.

"Bella," Jasper said suddenly, turning to me. It was one of the only times he had ever addressed me directly and I straightened up immediately. He smiled at me. "Edward loves you very much." He stopped and looked at me for a moment, then furrowed his brow. "I'm not bringing this up to hurt you. Please know that." He turned and looked at Alice with a pleading look on his face. She came forward without having to be asked and put her arm around his waist. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

Even though he wasn't trying to hurt me, he did. His words did. I knew Edward loved me, but he wasn't here so obviously he didn't love me enough. Or my love wasn't enough for him. I looked at him strangely, wishing he would use that odd gift to take the pain away right now. But he didn't. I wondered why.

"I can feel your pain," he said sadly. I wasn't sure where this was going, but I knew that it had to have some kind of purpose. Jasper seemed like the type that never said anything unless there was a reason for it. "I know you feel that he left because he doesn't love you enough or that you are not good enough for him. You are good enough. He…" He stopped again and looked into Alice's eyes. I could practically see the sparks fly in between them.

"Let me show you." He turned to me and held out a hand. I was nervous. I reached out my hand tentatively, stopping just short of his and looked at Alice.

"He can manipulate emotions all he wants, but it is so much stronger and easier for him with physical contact." Alice explained. She obviously didn't see anything bad happening as a result of this, so I trusted them both and put my hand in Jasper's.

Suddenly everything was different. Edward was there with me. I saw myself in my vision and the feeling attached to it was even stronger than my own love for Edward. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch me, to kiss me. It was the oddest thing I have ever felt in my whole life. The force of the emotion left me weeping. And then it was gone.

My hand fell limp to my side and I stared wide-eyed at Jasper. He had a little smirk on his face as he looked at me.

"That is what Edward feels for you." He said simply.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks, wondering how in the world my love could possibly compare to that. I saw Jasper roll his eyes.

"Bella, please. Try to understand what I am telling you. Edward loves you. Imagine the thought of taking someone's life when you feel that way about them. What would you do? What would you have done if your situations were reversed and he was the human?" He held out his hand once more. I took it without so much hesitation this time.

This time was very different. I saw me again, and all the love I had felt before was still there. But there was something else. I felt the most horrible burn in my throat. I felt like it was about to burst into flames. I coughed and cleared my throat, trying to make it go away. It was starting to choke me. The smell was making me delirious and all I wanted to do was sink my teeth into my neck. But then the two emotions were in battle. Although my throat was still on fire, I still wanted to kiss me and touch me. I wanted it more and more with every passing second.

I was weeping again while coughing; trying to dislodge whatever fire was in my throat.

"Jasper!" I heard Alice cry out. Suddenly the vision and the fire disappeared and I collapsed onto the forest floor.

And then I understood. That fire was Edward's thirst. How could he live with that? How did he kiss me when that fire was probably a million times worse with my breath directed down his throat?

I felt Alice's arms around me, pulling me into her lap. She held me while I cried into her.

"I'm sorry." I heard Jasper somewhere above me, but I couldn't concentrate enough to tell him it was okay. The most awful pain I had ever felt encompassed me and I couldn't breathe.

"Jasper, help her please." Alice's voice was soft but pleading.

"It won't last," he said quietly.

"Long enough to help her get back together."

And then it was gone. All the panic and the pain; the fear and the desperation. It was gone. A strange calm that was obviously not my own flooded through me and I could think again.

I looked up at him and his face was in pain. He hadn't meant to show me as much as he had. He closed his eyes and stood as still as a statue.

"Bella?" Alice said, still holding me.

"Hmm?" I responded. The calm was almost making me sleepy.

"Are you alright?" She asked carefully.

I had to really think about my answer, because the initial response was only to the calm that Jasper was forcing me to feel. I thought about what had happened to me when Jasper showed me Edward's thirst. The calm eased up a little, just enough that I could feel my own emotions but not be swept under by them again. And I was okay. It hurt, and I still wanted to cry, but I was okay.

"Yes," I answered truthfully. Jasper's calm was removed completely and I was almost overtaken by my own grief, but then the calm came back, just enough to steady my own emotions. I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye.

The calm eased away, letting my own emotions assault me slower so I could grasp them before they grasped me. I looked up at him thankfully, noticing his pain was still on his face.

"Jasper," I started. I struggled to stand up out of Alice's hold. I looked at him, unsure of how to voice my feelings. He smiled at me and nodded.

"I understand." He said. "I'm still sorry, but I thank you for your forgiveness. And you're welcome."

I smiled. Jasper was going to make one hard friend to keep secrets from. Edward couldn't read my mind, so I could hide things from him that I didn't want him to know. But I couldn't hide my emotions from Jasper. I sighed. He chuckled.

Although I had respect for Jasper, I was completely in awe of him after that incident. He had obviously felt Edward's feelings for me and endured that horrible pain right along with him. I wondered how much Jasper helped Edward calm down. I also wondered if Jasper was there that night he left. If he was, did he try to help him calm down? Or was he taken down by Edward's pain? I hoped he wasn't there.

"Bella." Jasper said quietly. I turned to him. "Please stop. I promise you, I wasn't there that night, and I wasn't hurt. You worry far too much about how others feel. You should concentrate on your own feelings for once."

I looked up at him. He was right. But how could I be so selfish and not worry about him?

He chuckled at me, shaking his head.

I sighed again.

I finally left Alice and Jasper just before sunset. Alice rode with me to make sure I made it home okay. She kissed my cheek quickly before leaving, on foot of course. I figured she was already home by the time I made it to the kitchen.

I made dinner and Charlie and I had a quiet dinner. He seemed to have something on his mind, but he didn't comment on it.

After dinner, I got ready for bed and climbed under the covers. I was exhausted.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a meadow. It was a different meadow than the one Edward had taken me to, but it was beautiful nonetheless. Edward was there with me. It was a beautiful sunny day and he sparkled, throwing rainbows everywhere with diamond-like facets of his skin. He was smiling at me with all the love I knew he felt for me.

I reached out my hand to touch his flawless face and stopped short, gasping. My hand sparkled, too. I turned it around in front of my face, staring at it like it was the rarest of precious gems. I looked back into Edward's face and saw the crooked smile. I touched my own face instead of his and tried to feel the hardness of my own skin. My skin felt normal to me, though, and I frowned. If I was a vampire, I should have been cold and hard, like Edward.

Edward reached forward to take my hand. I gasped when his fingers touched me. They were not cold and hard like I remembered them. They were soft and warm, like any other human's hands. No, not like any normal human. It was different, but it was not the cold, hard exterior I was expecting.

"You and I are the same temperature now, Bella. You won't notice the difference anymore." He said softly. I grinned, then touched his face.

He was breathing evenly and I searched his eyes for any sign that my smell bothered him. I couldn't find anything, so I leaned in to kiss him.

His kiss was the most amazing thing I have ever felt in my life. He kissed me much harder than he had ever dared when I was human. Our tongues connected and as I tasted him for the first time, my eyes rolled back in my head a little.

I wondered how that was possible and pulled back, a puzzled expression on my face.

"Bella, you're not human any longer. You're a vampire. I love you more than I could have ever thought possible and now I don't have to keep myself from tasting you. You still smell divine, but without the smell of your blood to accompany it… it's much easier."

I smiled stupidly and attacked him.

I sat straight up in bed, gasping for air. I held my hands out in front of me and looked at them. They looked normal to me. I felt my face; normal. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, clicking on the light and looking in the mirror. My skin shone a little from the sweat that covered my forehead. I wiped it off and looked harder into the mirror. My eyes were still brown and my face held the same, plain features it always had. I sighed and went back to bed.

I got halfway to bed and stopped dead in my tracks. That was the answer. I spun back around and ran back into the bathroom to look in the mirror again. I could be with Edward without him having to fight with himself for my blood. He and I could live together and love together for the rest of eternity.

Immediately I thought of Charlie and Renee. Even Phil. How could I leave them? How could I hurt them like that? I walked slowly back to my bedroom, sitting on my bed to think about it. It was hard to decide who I would choose. Would I have my human family, Charlie, Renee and Phil; or would I have my vampire family, Edward, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett… and Rosalie? I wondered what Rosalie would have to say about all this. I decided I didn't want to know.

I thought about how I felt about Edward. If I didn't do this, I would never be able to see him again. Ever. If I wanted to get married and have a family, I would have to settle for someone who was not Edward. That thought alone was enough to make my decision for me. I didn't care that I wouldn't be able to have children as a vampire. I would be forever 17 years old, but that thought didn't matter to me either. I could be with Edward. I could love him and he could love me… uninhibited.

I decided to do what Jasper told me to do. I stopped worrying about how other people would feel and concentrated on my own feelings. This was what I wanted, more than anything else in the whole world. I smiled to myself and lay back down.

It was only two o'clock in the morning, so I covered myself back up and did my best to fall back to sleep.

It worked and I woke up at nine thirty in the morning. I smiled, stretched and got up to get ready to talk to Alice and hopefully Jasper about my decision.

I pulled up to the Cullen's house and walked up the steps. Alice opened the door for me, beckoning me in. I stepped in, smiling at her. She looked even more excited than normal and I wondered how much she could see of my decision. Probably all of it. She pulled me up to her room and made me sit on her couch.

"So," she started, "you've got some explaining to do, young lady." She said in a mock stern voice. She couldn't keep the smile off her face, though, and I knew she knew everything.

"Well, I decided that if Edward can't love me the way we both deserve without being driven insane with the smell of my blood, then I might as well get rid of that temptation." I tried to say it in with the best business voice I had, but failed miserably. I was excited that Alice was excited about my decision.

The door opened and I looked up to see Jasper, a smile on his face. He raised an eyebrow at Alice, taking her hand.

"So I heard about your decision." He said ominously.

I nodded and laughed at him, because he was still smiling.

"Bella, there are a number of things to be discussed before that happens. You know it wouldn't be happening today, right?" He said, his smile disappearing.

Mine disappeared too. I think I did know it couldn't happen today, but I'd let myself get so excited that it felt like it would.

"Yes, but my decision is made." I said quietly.

"Please don't think I would try to sway your decision. You are thinking for yourself and worrying only about how you feel. That is extremely important and I would never want you to think otherwise. However, there are things that need to be worked out before you go turning into a newborn vampire."

I understood what he meant. Although I shouldn't concern myself with how Charlie and Renee would feel about my decision, I still had to think about how it was going to affect them. They would, in essence, be losing their only child. I couldn't exactly just disappear.

"Aside from your human family, there's also the matter of who would change you. The only one of our family who is strong enough to do it without killing you is Carlisle. You will need to speak with him about this and get his thoughts as well."

I looked at his face. It was absolutely serious, as if he was planning battle attacks rather than talking to me about becoming a vampire. I nodded at him, pulling my legs up under me and crossing them. There was something I had wanted to ask him and now I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer.

"Can I ask a question? About becoming a vampire, I mean." I looked at Alice, then at Jasper. Alice came to sit next to me while Jasper chose to stay standing.

"You can ask all the questions you need to, Bella. We will do what we can to make this easiest for you." She put her arm around my shoulders and hugged me gently.

"What is it like? The… transformation?" I asked hesitantly. From the little snippets of information Edward had given me, it was painful.

Alice looked at Jasper for a moment, then turned back to me. I held my hand out to Jasper, thinking he could just show me how it felt.

Alice put her hand on my arm, pushing it back down. I looked at her and she was shaking her head. I furrowed my brow at her.

"It's painful," she said simply. "Do you remember what Jasper showed you yesterday?" She looked at me intently.

I remembered. How could I ever forget the choking pain in my throat? I nodded my head.

"Imagine that all over your body for three days."

My head snapped up and I looked at her, shocked. 'Painful' seemed like a pretty big understatement. Her eyes were apologetic.

"But after those three days, the pain goes away?" I asked hopefully.

Jasper grunted. I tried to control my fear, but I couldn't help it. I looked up at him carefully.

"After those three days, Bella…" he paused, seeming to think over his words before speaking again. "All of your thoughts and emotions and instincts focus on the hunt." He looked at me pointedly, trying to convey something that either I just wasn't grasping or was refusing to believe.

"You will have to leave Forks before the transformation begins. Once it's complete, you probably won't care about anything besides your thirst."

I got it. I was going to become an animal. A monster like Edward always tried to convince me he was. But he was no animal or monster. He was the most perfect man in the world.

"How long?" I asked. How long would I be so corrupted that all I could focus on was satisfying my thirst, no matter whom or what might satisfy it.

"It depends on a lot of different things, Bella," Alice said, then looked at Jasper. I followed her gaze.

He sighed. "About a year is the normal time for a new vampire to get their urges and instincts under control."

A year! My eyes widened and I looked at him, shocked. Would I have to wait all that time before I could see Edward? Suddenly it seemed completely hopeless.

"Bella, listen to me." Jasper crouched down in front of me to meet my eyes. "It is not hopeless. It takes time for a new vampire to control their urges. I have plenty of experience in guiding new vampires and I would be more than willing to help you. As would Alice, Carlisle and Esme. Emmett would probably be more excited than any of us to help you."

I noticed the lack of mention of Rosalie. I wondered again how she would feel about my decision. I decided not to worry about it.

"Do you think, with all the help, I would be able to control myself in less than a year?" I asked, doubtful.

"It depends. As Alice said, a lot of different factors are involved. For instance, I have never once seen anyone turned who was expecting it." He raised his eyebrows at me.

I smiled at him. He had hope for me, and that gave me hope.

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I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. Jasper is a fun guy to play with, lol. So, let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 4

Author's Note - I realized on the last chapter that it says Chapter 4. Oops, my bad. It really is ch3, I promise. And here is the real Ch4:

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 4

I walked down the stairs holding onto Alice's arm for dear life. I was going to talk to Carlisle now and for some reason I was scared out of my mind. If I had to put any kind of rational thought behind the fear, it would be that I felt like I was going to see Count Dracula and ask him to 'suck my blood.' It really was ridiculous, but I was afraid nevertheless. Jasper just laughed at me and went outside.

Alice called Carlisle into his office. He looked confused, but came in and sat behind his desk, folding his hands together in front of him and looking more like a doctor than I had ever seen him. Outside of the hospital, that is.

Alice cleared her throat, giving me a pointed look. Obviously I was supposed to start the conversation. I swallowed heavily and sat down in one of the chairs by his desk. Alice pulled me around to where I was facing Carlisle and patted my back.

Carlisle looked between me and Alice for a few moments while I attempted to gather my courage. It felt really absurd that I should be afraid of talking to Carlisle, considering he was probably the least danger to me. And yet, somehow, I felt that once this conversation was over, my fate was sealed. I grimaced, forcing my thoughts away from that. This was what I wanted.

"Are you alright, Bella?" Carlisle asked me gently. I looked at him; his eyes were concerned.

I tried my best at a smile and nodded.

"Yes, I'm okay," my voice shook and I grimaced again. "I just… I need to… talk to you about something. I need to ask you something," I said as quickly as I could so I couldn't freeze up again.

Carlisle shifted closer to his desk and leaned forward slightly. "You can trust me with anything, Bella. I'm all ears." He shot a meaningful glance at Alice, who nodded and left. I thought it was kind of silly because she would probably be able to hear me, even if she left the house.

I sat up straight in the chair and looked at him. His eyes were kind and I couldn't find it in me to be afraid anymore. So I started talking.

I told him everything, starting the night that Edward left. I told him about my dreams and about Old Edward and New Edward. I told him about how I had realized that New Edward had never existed. I told him about my conversations with Jasper and Alice and about my dream about being a vampire. Then I said the words I had intended to start with.

"I want to become a vampire," I said softly. I waited for him to say something about how stupid I was for wanting that, but it never came. I looked at him, half-expecting him to be asleep, even though I knew he couldn't sleep, from listening to me talk for so long.

His kind eyes met mine and I had to smile. He understood.

He leaned back in his chair and looked at me carefully.

"There are many, many things to talk about before this happens," he said. "The very first thing that I want you to consider is how you are going to tell your parents. Obviously you're not going to tell them that you're becoming a vampire, but you will need a good, solid reason to explain why you will be disappearing for a very long time. You may not be able to see them again."

I thought about that. My idea was to fake my death, but in my heart I knew I didn't want to do it that way.

"The second thing I want you to consider is timing. Preferably, I would like you to finish high school first. That way, we will have time to think about the other issues and prepare you for this."

I wanted to groan. Of course he would get all fatherly on me. I nodded, though. Graduation was only a few months away and I knew it would please Edward to know I was a smart vampire.

He looked down at his desk, then back up at me. "Have you spoken with Alice about this?" he asked curiously.

"A little. I asked about the… um, the transformation. And about the time after." I looked down, my fear returning. I was afraid of the pain, but I was more afraid of becoming a blood-crazed monster, so hell-bent on killing that I couldn't even concentrate on finding Edward.

"Are you afraid, Bella?" He asked.

I couldn't hide it, so I nodded. I looked in his eyes and saw only compassion there.

"Maybe it would help if I explain the process a little?" He leaned forward slightly and I got the impression that he liked explaining things like this. He was a doctor, after all, and this seemed like a rather complicated process.

I wasn't sure that I wanted to know any more than I already did, but my curiosity won out and I nodded again, scooting closer to his desk.

"There are steps that we can take to lessen the initial pain; however it will wear off in only a few hours. The transformation takes roughly three days as the venom spreads through your body. It can take longer, if you are bitten in an area that is farther from the heart. Of course, we will not allow that to happen," he smiled at me encouragingly and I tried to smile back at him. He patted my hand and continued.

"I will not sugar-coat this for you, Bella; you need to know the truth. The pain of the transformation is excruciating; probably the worst pain you can imagine. But, it does pass. Once the transformation is complete, the pain ceases. Of course, then you need to worry about your first hunt," he looked away for a moment, then back into my eyes.

"When we start the process, we will need to take you away; somewhere with a small, if not non-existent, human population. Of course, I do not expect you to have the control or the patience to never kill a human. That would be unreasonable of me. However, I will do what I can to lessen that temptation for you."

He patted my hand again and I smiled. I didn't want to kill any humans and the thought of having Carlisle, Alice and Jasper helping me was encouraging.

"Jasper said it would probably take a year?" I asked, needing confirmation that it would be as bad as I feared.

Carlisle sighed. "Jasper knows that process much better than I do. However, there are things we can and will do to help you gain the control needed,"he patted my hand again. "I'm sure when we find Edward; he would be more than happy to help you as well."

I felt a sudden surge of hope, but I tried to squash it before I could get the answer to my next question. "I wouldn't have to wait until I was okay again to look for him?" I asked cautiously. He chuckled at me.

"No, Bella. We would find him for you, starting the first day of your transformation. However, none of us know where he is right now, so the search may take some time. There is no way of knowing when we will find him." I looked at him and somehow got the impression that he was fighting the urge to say 'if ever' at the end of that sentence.

"But we would find him, right? Eventually?" I almost started to panic. Would it all be in vain?

Carlisle sighed, looking at me with some unfathomable emotion in his eyes. "I cannot guarantee that, Bella. Edward does not want to be found right now. He probably won't ever want to be found. There is no saying that he won't hear our approach and move on quickly, before we can reach him. That is another thing we should discuss before we move on with your transformation."

I wanted to cry. Why couldn't he just tell me what I wanted to hear? My lip trembled and Carlisle stood up, moving around the desk and holding his arms out. I stood up and moved into them. He hugged me gently while I cried.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I won't lie to you to give you false hope. You need to know the truth about what you are getting yourself into." He rubbed my back gently.

"I know," I cried, "I just… I love him so much!" I pushed my face harder into his shirt and sobbed.

"I know, Bella, I know." He patted my back a few times before continuing the rubbing motion.

We stood that way for a long time before I could finally breathe evenly again. I moved back and smiled ruefully at him.

He leaned over and grabbed a box of tissues from the desk, handing them to me. I looked at the box, then at him, and I couldn't help it. I started laughing. He looked at me quizzically.

"Why do you have tissues on your desk, Carlisle?" I asked as I took one from the box. Obviously, no vampire would ever have need of tissues. At least not for their intended use.

He looked at them, then back at me and shrugged, laughing with me.

I wiped my face and nose, trying to look normal again. I sat on the chair again to try to gain control of my emotions again while he excused himself to change his shirt. I had quite effectively drenched it.

When I went home that night, I stared at Charlie. I tried to think of something I could tell him that would be sufficient.

"Is everything okay, Bella?" He asked.

I cringed; he must have noticed me staring. "Yeah, dad." I said, wincing. My voice was not convincing. He put his fork down and looked at me intently before speaking again. I was suddenly terrified of what he was going to say.

"I haven't seen Edward around here. You two still… together?" He asked strangely. I stared at him, mentally cursing.

"Not exactly." I whispered.

"You still see him, though? I mean, you were over there this weekend, right?"

"Alice and I are still friends. I went there to see her." It wasn't a lie. But it was. I wanted to cry again, wishing Alice was there to look at my future and tell me I would be with Edward again. Someday.

Charlie nodded at me, picking up his fork again. The rest of dinner passed in silence and I was grateful for it. I cleaned up our plates and excused myself to my room to think. There was so much to think about. The pain of the transformation would only last three days. I would be completely out of my mind with thirst for a year, but that would pass as well. I would eventually be able to be calm and collected like the rest of the Cullen's. The only thing that was not certain was whether or not I would be able to be with Edward. The fear of never seeing him again was worse than anything I had ever felt before. What if I did this and then never found him. I would have eternity to search, though. If I stayed human, I would only have until I died to search for him. And, knowing my luck, I'd find him when I was on my death bed as a very old, wrinkled woman. I sighed. It was worth it, just to have the chance of finding him again.

Then another thought crept in my mind. What if I found him and he didn't want me? What if it was just the smell of my blood that made him want me and love me so much? I tried to remember what Jasper had shown me, but all I could find was an echo of it. It was still strong, but not what I was hoping for. I was hoping for proof. I closed my eyes tightly against the new fear. It would still be worth it, I decided. Just for the chance of having him forever. If it all fell through, I would blame it on my luck. Because, quite frankly, my luck would probably pull its normal crap and do that to me.

But if I stayed human, there would be no chance at all that I could ever be with him again. I made up my mind completely. This is what I wanted. I just had to graduate high school first. And decide what I was going to tell Charlie and Renee.

That night I slept soundly with no dreams. It was welcomed, although I had hoped I would dream of being a vampire with Edward.

The month that followed passed me in a blur of school, impatient dreams and conversations with Alice, Jasper and Carlisle. Either Rosalie didn't know what was going on or she was completely avoiding me. I figured maybe it was both. I did get to know Esme more in that month, though.

I never was afraid of Esme. She was just too motherly to portray that 'blood-sucking vampire' feeling. One Saturday as I sat on the Cullen's couch eating a salad, I looked at her and really tried to think of her like that. It made me laugh. She looked at me with an odd expression and I had to explain myself.

"I'm sorry, Esme," I said, using her name for the first time since I could remember. "I was just thinking about how kind everyone is here, you especially. I was trying to think of you as a vampire, how Edward explained it to me. I couldn't picture it." I looked down at my salad. I had completely embarrassed myself. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I was surprised when she sat next to me, looking at me with her beautiful butterscotch eyes.

"It's flattering that you think of me like that, honey." She put her hand on my shoulder. I knew she was probably thinking of her early vampire days and how she was back then. I wondered if she was the thirst-crazed monster I was surely to become.

"What was it like for you, Esme? When you were turned?" I looked at her, hoping she could give me some insight. She looked into my eyes for a long moment before speaking.

"I was a new mother; my baby was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He was my life. His father left us during my pregnancy, but I couldn't bear to hurt my baby. Despite all the social ramifications, I kept him," she looked out over the living room, probably imagining her son's face. I thought of her holding a newborn baby. I smiled at the image, knowing that she was the perfect woman to be a mother. I had to wonder what could have happened to turn her into a vampire.

She turned back to me and spoke again. "He died when he was only three months old. I suppose if it had happened in this time, it would have been labeled SIDS. One night I lay him down next to me in our bed and when I woke in the morning, he was still and cold," she stopped and her lips trembled for a moment. I could tell that she was crying her tearless, vampire cry. I looked down at my salad, trying to convince myself to take another bite. Her voice made me look back up at her.

"I tried to go on living without him. I couldn't. Every day, I would try to go about my normal routine and every day, I would be reminded of the emptiness his death had left. And then I lost my mind. I jumped off the cliff, determined that if my baby was dead, I should die too," she looked at me carefully, probably trying to gauge my reaction. I put my hand over hers. "Carlisle found me, broken and so close to death. I never thought any pain could be worse than him moving me," she cringed at the memory and I cringed with her, imagining the broken bones moving around in her body. "But then it did get worse. I had been burned before, after getting too close to a candle when I was young. The fire that spread throughout my body made me think that candle was inside me, the flame growing with every passing second.

"When the transformation was complete, I opened my eyes and saw Carlisle there," she turned her hand to hold mine gently. "I was convinced I had died and he was my angel. Maybe my baby boy all grown up. When he explained everything to me, I was in so much shock that I couldn't breathe. That was when I discovered we didn't have to breathe." She smiled ruefully.

I looked at her, surprised. And scared. Esme woke up from the transformation to see her love standing right next to her and he helped her. My love was running from me and I wasn't sure that I would ever see him again. I smiled at her, then realized again that my salad was still on my lap. I picked up a forkful and put it in my mouth, chewing slowly.

"What happened after that? I mean, how did you cope with your thirst?" I took another bite and looked at her.

She wrinkled her nose at me, and then took a deep breath. "That was an experience. After Carlisle explained to me what I had become, he took me out for my first hunt. I think I killed three humans right away, within minutes of each other," she shook her head and smiled. "Even though Carlisle was strictly against it, he never once berated me. I felt horrible for what I had done and he explained to me why I had acted the way I had. I felt a little better, but I wanted more. He learned his lesson, though, and took me further into the woods, testing the area to make sure we were miles away from anything that smelled even slightly human. I felt just as bad after I had killed three deer and a badger. I took their lives.

"Carlisle didn't let me get depressed about it. He showed me everything about being a vampire. He showed me how to be a vampire and I fell in love with him. I don't remember that there was ever a moment that I didn't love him, but I remember the exact moment that I realized it," she looked at me with sparkling eyes. She was remembering a happy moment. I wanted to hear happy things, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear about her and Carlisle. I wanted to wait until I knew for sure I had my own happy ending. I didn't stop her, though. I listened carefully, hoping that I could block out any painful memories that resulted from her story.

"It was about six months after I was changed. Although I was considered part of the family, I couldn't find it in myself to put myself between Carlisle and Edward. It was so obvious that Carlisle considered Edward his son and Edward considered Carlisle his father. I couldn't just go barging in and make myself Edward's mother figure. I was so afraid that it would drive Edward and Carlisle apart and then they would both hate me."

I couldn't help but laugh at her story. The very idea of Carlisle doing anything but loving her unconditionally was hilarious. The same for Edward. He looked up to her in so many ways that it was hard to think that there was a time when she was not his mother figure. I wondered how much she hated me right now for driving her son away. She looked at my oddly, but continued.

"I knew that Edward could read thoughts and I tried to keep mine away from the family situation, but I found myself thinking deeply about it on more than one occasion. I wasn't sure if he talked to Carlisle about it, either, but of course I wasn't about to ask. The one day, when we were all together, he did the most amazing thing. He called me 'mom,'" she stopped and put her hand to her chest. I imagined her eyes getting wet and spilling over with tears. "Carlisle had the most expressive look of love on his face. For Edward. For me. In that moment, I knew I loved him and I wanted to be his… partner. His wife."

My own eyes watered at her story. I knew she had to hate me now. "I'm so sorry." I said as tears fell into my salad. I felt her hand on my shoulder and I looked at her.

"It's not your fault, Bella. Nobody here is blaming you."

_Except Rosalie_ I thought. I smiled weakly at her. "I'm still sorry." I pushed my salad around with my fork, deciding I was done with it. I couldn't force another bite if I tried.

"Do you think it's a stupid idea for me to want to become a vampire?" I asked, curious to know what Esme thought.

She looked at me curiously for a moment before she shook her head. "No. I think that it's an… interesting idea. I don't know that I would have chosen this life, if I knew all the gory details. But, if I had known Carlisle back then, and felt this way for him then… I honestly don't know which way I would have decided. I think that as long as you are making this decision for yourself and not for anyone else, Edward included, then I think it is the right decision for you."

She gave a little nod, signifying that she truly believed what she said.

I smiled at her and pondered what she said. _As long as you are making this decision for yourself and not for anyone else, Edward included_. Could I honestly say that Edward was not the reason I was doing this? It was all Edward. He was my reason for breathing and eating and sleeping… Although the last two would not be factors after I became a vampire. He was my reason for living… existing. It was all him.

I smiled at myself for being so melodramatic. I couldn't help it, though; he really was my reason for everything.

I looked up at Esme as Alice and Jasper came back in the house. I noticed right away that Jasper's eyes were much lighter than they had been earlier and figured he had been hunting. I found it rather interesting to see that he didn't have one wrinkle in his clothes and had to wonder how exactly he hunted. Edward had once said that they didn't really use weapons, necessarily… just what they had. Hands. Arms. Teeth. I would have thought that a vampire would at least look like he'd struggled a little after hunting something. I sighed, hoping I would finally understand the whole thing a little more once I became a vampire myself.

Esme got up off the couch and excused herself to do whatever it was that she did.

I spent the rest of the day with Alice and Jasper, not really caring what I did as long as it was with them.

I got home a little later than usual, but Charlie didn't say anything. I guess he probably figured I was having a good time with Alice. Which I was… for the most part. We ate our dinner in near silence, the only conversation revolving around how each other's day was. Both of us answered with a simple 'fine' and dropped the subject. I went to bed that night hoping that I could somehow think of some miraculous explanation that would allow me to be gone as long as I needed – a few years at the very least – and have my family back in my life when I came back. Somehow I knew it was not going to be that simple. Somehow I felt that my explanation was going to have include my final goodbye. The thought brought tears to my eyes and I cried myself to sleep that night.

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Thank you for reading! Any thoughts?


	6. Chapter 5

Author's Note - I suppose I _should_ put another disclaimer here stating that I don't own Twilight, any of the Cullen's, Bella, or anything else. (weep)

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 5

The next two months flew by quickly as I learned all I could about becoming and being a vampire; soaked in what I could at school; and tried to think of something to tell my parents. Alice had already started searching for Edward's future. She found him a few times, but he seemed unwilling to settle in any particular place for very long. Once she was able to nail down an absolute location, he would decide to move on. I wasn't sure if he was close enough to hear her thoughts, but I remembered him saying something about only being able to hear a few miles out. He'd have to be close to hear her thoughts. Once I heard some of the locations he had settled in momentarily, however, I knew that there was no way he could hear her thoughts. He was practically on the other side of the globe. I wanted to cry some more, but I wouldn't allow it. I was determined to find him and tell him that I loved him if it took me the rest of eternity to do it.

Graduation was only a month away and I was no closer to finding anything suitable to say to Charlie and Renee. I had a few random thoughts, but when I talked to Alice about them, she told me rather bluntly that they would not work. I tried to ask her for help, but she was adamant that this had to come from me. The rest of them were the same way. Except for Rosalie, because I still avoided her as much as possible. I never really got a chance to talk to Emmett, either, because he was always with Rosalie. I would have liked to have been able to talk to him, though. I mean, if everything went how I wanted it to, he'd be my brother. And Rosalie would be my sister. I shuddered. At least I wouldn't really have to worry too badly about her killing me once I became a vampire.

I spent every weekend with the Cullens, particularly Alice and Jasper. Jasper and I had become something akin to friends over the last few months and I adored him. Some of the best times I had with them were just watching them when they got lost in each other. I never let myself dwell on the fact that I may not have that kind of relationship with Edward for quite some time; instead, I made myself appreciate how much Jasper cared for my best friend. I was happy for both of them, amazed at how their love surpassed everything.

It was during one of these moments that Rosalie caught me by complete surprise. Jasper was dancing with Alice in the kitchen, twirling her slowly and holding her close when I felt the couch depress beside me. I just about had a heart attack when I saw Rosalie staring at me with her light golden eyes. I was sure I was dead. Pity. Only another month and Carlisle would have changed me and I could have helped her get her brother back. She smiled at me; a tentative smile that left me completely confused.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Bella?" She asked carefully.

I was almost afraid to say no. But my curiosity won and I really did want to know what she wanted to say. "Sure," I answered, turning my body so I could look at her a little easier.

She smiled ruefully as she looked down at her hands for a moment, then back into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Bella. I have been… horrible. Really horrible." She looked down again and took a deep breath.

I couldn't help myself. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

She let out one bitter chuckle. "What do I mean? I mean I've been horrible to you, Bella. I wanted so badly to blame you entirely for Edward leaving. I tried to make him see that leaving was not the right thing to do. I love my family, Bella! I love him because he is my brother, no matter how far he runs. He ran away and I tried so hard to make you the complete reason and hate you." She almost spat the words, her eyes showing hatred and disgust. I couldn't tell if it was at me or at her actions. I still couldn't help the wave of guilt that came over me.

"I'm so sorry, Rosalie. I never once intended…"

"I know," she cut me off before I could finish my sentence. "I know you never wanted him to leave or that you even thought he would leave. I just… When he first fell in love with you, I tried to tell him that this would end up happening. That he would leave us all because of you. He refused to believe me. He's just as stubborn as the rest of us," she let out a small laugh that kind of surprised me. "You see, if he didn't love you as much as he did, he would still be here with us. But, as much as I try to convince myself that that is true, the more I see him when he was here and so much in love with you. There was a fire in his eyes that I had never seen before. The same fire I see in Emmett's eyes when he looks at me or the fire in Jasper's eyes when he looks at Alice. Life. Love. Purpose. You gave him that, Bella. I have tried with every fiber of my existence to deny it, but when it all falls apart, that is what is left."

I gaped at her, trying to believe that she really was talking to me like this. That she might actually be trying to be my friend. "I… um. I hear what you're saying, Rosalie, but I have to admit that I'm… not sure I understand." I hated to do anything to make her frustrated at me, but I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out what exactly it was that she was trying to tell me.

"I mean, Bella, that I'm sorry for treating you so horridly. And I want you to know that I will do what I can to help you with… this." She waved her hand toward me.

I smiled at her. "Thank you, Rosalie," I wasn't sure if she was as touchy-feely as Alice or if I should be as physically distanced from her as Jasper. So I decided a combination of the two would do nicely. I reached out and touched her hand lightly. "I appreciate it. I really do." I said honestly.

She just smiled at me and stood up, walking out the door. I sat there on the couch, completely dumfounded. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought I might be dreaming. I figured I must be awake when I saw Alice standing in the doorway looking at the door Rosalie just walked out through, astonished as well. Jasper came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, leaning down to kiss the top of her little head. She looked at me, then back out the door. Jasper was the only one who didn't look surprised. I looked at him questioningly. He sighed.

"She really does feel bad," he said gently. "She's had some sort of epiphany, I would suppose, that made her realize that you are the key to getting her brother back. And, as such, she is remorseful that she's treated you with so much hostility," he looked after her again and smiled. "She's not always completely selfish."

I had to smile, too. Of course she wasn't always selfish. Emmett had to see something in her that she rarely showed anyone else. I had to remember to watch them together sometime… if I ever got the chance.

I did get the chance about a week and half after Rosalie apologized to me. I usually spent my lunches with Alice and Jasper while Rosalie and Emmett stayed away from us. After Rosalie's apology, however, they started sitting with us. I was happy that Rosalie obviously meant what she said. I wanted to ask her about her vampire experience, but I was kind of scared to hear what she had to say. Edward never really told me much, other than she wished that she had had a choice. Rosalie wouldn't have taken this life over death. Emmett, on the other hand, was a mystery to me. Edward hadn't ever really told me much about Emmett at all, other than that he thought the vampire life was 'awesome' in most aspects. Such as the superhuman strength.

Rosalie and Emmett were a little late to lunch one day and I watched them enter. Rosalie wiggled her hips a little more than necessary and Emmett noticed. He smiled an impish grin and put his arm around her shoulders, hugging her to him a little harder and kissed the top of her head. She grinned up at him and winked. I had a feeling that while Alice and Jasper's relationship was outwardly emotional, Rosalie and Emmett's relationship was outwardly physical. I wondered which type mine and Edward's relationship would look like. I kind of hoped both.

It always puzzled me that they bought food even though they would never actually eat any of it. It was kind of nice for me because I basically got a buffet to pick and choose from. I picked a few grapes off of Jasper's tray and smiled at him. He raised one corner of his mouth at me in a little smile. Rosalie and Emmett sat down and Emmett grinned at me. I smiled back as I chewed on the grapes. He always reminded me of the football-player type with the way he moved and talked. I had to wonder how the disappearance of Edward affected him. Had they been close? He put his arm around Rosalie again and sat there, glaring at everything male that happened to let his eyes rest on Rosalie longer than a few seconds. It made me giggle a little. They all looked at me and I couldn't help the blush as I shook my head.

I hadn't yet been able to get Rosalie or Emmett alone so I could talk to them about my decision. I really wanted to get their stories and hopefully get further insight into what I was going to be going through. I sighed as I pondered the month ahead. So many huge turning points were coming up, like graduation and turning 18 years old and changing into a vampire; and so many decisions had to be made, like which college to attend and how to tell my parents I would probably never see them again. Then an idea struck me like a bolt of lightning. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget to talk to Alice about it.

The next day was Tuesday, so of course I would have to go to school. When I woke up, I looked out the window and groaned loudly. Sunshine. And lots of it. Ugh. This, of course, meant that none of the vampires would be in school today. I thought about my dismay and had to laugh at myself. I was probably the only human at the school who would be upset that the vampires wouldn't be there. Even if I was the only one who actually knew they were vampires.

I suffered through the day, mulling over my idea and tweaking it just a little when I found a flaw. I did some research online in the computer lab during lunch. It might actually work… but I would need their help to forge some documents, like acceptance papers and whatnot. If I could pull this off, I might actually be able to keep both of my families. I tried not to get my hopes up on my human family, but it was hard not to. By the end of the day, I had my plan pretty much perfected. At least as much as I could on my own.

I drove to the Cullen's after school and pulled in, expecting to see Alice come out to greet me. I smiled cockily and tried to dislodge the insanely ridiculous notion that Alice's gift was wearing off on me when she opened the door and walked out to greet me. Her skin sparkled a little in the faint sunlight coming through the trees around their house. I wondered how much of my plan she had already seen. The look on her face suggested that maybe she knew all of it, including the fact that it wouldn't work. I tried to shove that aside until I could get the information firsthand. I wasn't Edward; I couldn't read her thoughts. I smiled at the thought, wondering not for the first time what kind of special gift, if any, I would have once I became a vampire.

I put my wandering thoughts aside and walked up to the porch examine Alice's face. She looked almost sad. "Alice, what's wrong?" I finally asked.

She smiled at me and it looked genuine, but it didn't completely erase the sadness in her eyes. "I've been doing some searching, for Edward, and I just can't… he recently moved on from Tibet, somewhere around the Egu River. But he hasn't made up his mind and he keeps changing direction. I thought I had him this time when he seemed fairly certain about heading somewhere around the Amazon rainforest, but it's gone now. He's changed his mind and his course," she sat down on the porch steps as she spoke and put her head in her little hands. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm trying so hard to pin him to a certain location and one of us, any of us, can find him and explain this to him."

I sat down next to her and threw my arms around her neck. "Alice, you can't possibly know how much I appreciate you looking for him. At least we know where he was, right? We might have a starting point? And besides, there's still another month before I can get changed. By then, you might be able to do exactly what you're trying to do now." She hugged me back and I felt tears of almost-hope filling my eyes. I didn't want to get my hopes up that we could find him during or even right after my transformation. That would be too perfect… I prayed it would happen, but I didn't let myself hope for it.

"Now we need to talk about you and your decision, Bella," Alice pulled back a little and stood up when I let go of her neck. "I want you to tell me what you have planned. I can see a few details, but I have no idea what your process is," I had a feeling she might be lying and just wanted me to say it out loud. I had no problems with that, though. She led me into the house and turned to me. "Go into that room," She pointed into what must have been a formal dining room, "it is our meeting room. I am going to get the others." She waited until I nodded and walked in the direction of the room before scurrying off to find the rest of her family.

They were all in the room taking their seats by the time I reached the huge table dominating the room. Carlisle sat at the head of the table with Esme beside him. They had me take what I assumed to be Edward's old place on the other side of Carlisle. It made me happy and sad at the same time. I almost laughed at my pathetic thoughts about Edward having sat in this chair before.

Carlisle started the meeting.

"Alright, we all know that Bella is to become one of us after she graduates High School. There are a few things that need to be discussed before that happens and we will need everyone's assistance in pulling this off. The first and most important detail is the story she is going to give her family. We all know that this family stays together through thick and thin and we help each other as much as possible." He stopped and looked down for a moment, probably thinking about Edward. I know I was.

I felt Alice's hand on my arm and I turned toward her. She smiled reassuringly and I couldn't help but think that she was thinking about Edward as well, possibly searching for him again.

"With that, Bella, will go over your plan please?" Carlisle turned to me and I noticed how his voice was just slightly strained. To anyone else, aside from the other vampires in the room, it might have sounded perfectly normal. But I could tell. He was sad. About Edward.

I sighed. "Well, it's just something that I thought of and I don't even know if it will work or how good of a plan it is… I guess we'll see?" I smiled and Alice squeezed my arm gently, reassuringly. "My mother had a friend in Phoenix whose daughter turned 18 and graduated from High School when I was about 11 years old. After that, I didn't see her again for a long time. The daughter, I mean. I asked my mom what had happened to her and she said that she went to a college somewhere in Germany to study something there. She was gone for four years. When she came back, I was 15 and she looked so different. She still looked like her, but still so different," I stopped and let that part sink in before moving on.

"So, I was thinking that maybe, if I had a little help," I looked at Alice, "I could convince Charlie that I got accepted into an overseas college." I blushed and hoped they didn't think my suggestion was overly stupid.

I looked at each of them as they looked at each other and nodded. Emmett was the first one to actually speak. "That's a pretty good idea, actually." He looked at me and smiled.

"What type of school would you be 'attending?'" Carlisle asked, looking as if he thought it was a pretty good idea too.

"Well, I did a little bit of research and there are only a few things that I would be able to convince Charlie I would want to leave to learn about. I decided on a cooking school in Italy called the 'Italian Culinary Institute for Foreigners'. They have a four year program that is supposed to be one of the best in the world. I like cooking, so I thought I could convince Charlie that it would be good for me." I looked around, blushing again.

"Do you have an application for them?" Carlisle asked.

I wasn't sure how the whole process worked and I prayed I didn't have to actually go there. I liked cooking and all, but if I had to actually go to Italy to study it… not to mention my funds were laughably limited. "Yeah, actually… I printed one at school today." I reached in my pocket and pulled out the folded application, handing it to Carlisle.

"Very good. Fill it out and give it to Alice. She will take care of the rest. Have you talked to Charlie about this yet?" He looked me in the eyes and I couldn't help but feel guilty.

"No, not yet." I looked down, feeling a little ashamed that I was going to have to do this to him.

"You don't need to tell him that it is going to happen yet. Just tell him that you applied so he knows it is a possibility. When the time comes, Alice will give you the acceptance papers and you can tell him you don't know exactly when you have to leave, but it is anywhere from a week to a month after graduation." Carlisle patted my hand, probably knowing I had assumed it would happen graduation night.

I looked at him a little shocked. "A week to a month after?" I gaped.

"Yes. Bella, there are more things than just your parents that we need to consider." He took his hand back and folded it together with his other one in front of him. I waited to hear what else he had to say.

"Now that we have the situation with Bella's story under control, it is time we talk about the Quileutes." I heard a little hiss come from the direction of Rosalie and immediately my curiosity was peaked. I was about to ask when Carlisle spoke again.

"We have to treat this very delicately. We don't want to ruin the treaty, but we may not have any choice. I am going to speak with their chief in two week's time. I will explain the situation and that this is Bella's decision. It may or may not work." Carlisle turned to me and smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I forget that you do not know about the Quileutes yet." The whole family started talking then, explaining their situation with the tribe of Indians who lived on the reservation that I used to play at when I was younger.

The tribe was a very close-knit family of werewolves. I furrowed my brow, wondering why it surprised me. Jacob had once mentioned werewolves when I first met Edward. That was how I had figured out what he was. I almost smiled. My boyfriend was a vampire and my used-to-be best friend was a werewolf. I guess it made sense. Somehow.

The werewolves evolved with the sole purpose of fighting and destroying vampires. If they came across any vampires, they would destroy them immediately. It was Carlisle who created the treaty with the Quileute chief, explaining that he and his family were different; they did not hunt humans. The chief made a rather biased treaty (in my opinion, anyway) that the Cullen vampires were never to bite or kill any humans on their land. Of course the werewolves could still kill vampires wherever they wanted, as long as the vampires they killed were not any member of the Cullen clan. I had to wonder what other mythical creatures were living here in Forks. Where were the witches, goblins and ghouls?

"So, if the chief is willing to change the treaty just enough to allow Bella to become a vampire here, I would prefer it. It would give us a little more time to search for Edward before we move on. If not, they will know what we have planned and we will have to leave quickly." Carlisle looked at me, clearly explaining the week to a month thing. A part of me hoped that they didn't agree because I wanted to get out of Forks and start looking for Edward. I sighed, knowing it wasn't going to be that easy.

Something occurred to me and I turned to look at Alice. "Can't you see which way they will decide?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No. I don't understand why, but I cannot see anything when it comes to the werewolves."

"Huh." I felt like I should have been much more confused that I actually was. The only detail really registering at that point, however, was that I was, at most, two months away from becoming a vampire. I was excited and terrified at the same time. I looked around the table at the different faces, knowing only two of their stories. I figured now might be a good time to ask my next question.

I cleared my throat gently, trying not to startle anyone. I almost laughed at the idea of startling a vampire before I realized that everyone was staring expectantly at me. I smiled and blushed, remembering my question.

"Um… I have one important question. Well, it's important to me, anyway," I was afraid of what their answer would be. Terrified, actually. I looked at their faces one more time, praying with everything I had that I got the answer I wanted. Every face my eyes passed made my fear grow bigger. My eyes filled with tears as I thought of them as my family. My sisters, brothers… Mother and Father. My eyes locked with Jasper's and he smiled at me, shaking his head slightly. I think he might have been amused. I felt his odd calm wash over me and I was suddenly able to speak again. I smiled gratefully at him before speaking.

"I, um, I was wondering what would happen if… if we weren't able to find Edward." My heart sped up and I know it should have been painful, thinking about the possibility of never seeing him again, but Jasper's calm didn't allow the pain. I was grateful for it.

I looked around at their faces and they seemed confused. Rosalie looked a little guilty, maybe, but still confused. Jasper's calm lifted a little to test how my emotions were holding up.

"I'm not sure what you mean?" Carlisle asked.

"Well, I mean, if we can't find Edward… Will I still be… Will you be…" I sighed, frustrated. Jasper's calm washed over me again and I spit it out. "Will you still be my family?"

Both Carlisle and Esme seemed to flinch at the question and I wondered why. Alice and Jasper both looked a little amused. Rosalie looked even guiltier and Emmett… Emmett was laughing. He was being quiet about it, but I could see his shoulders shaking as he tried to hide his smile.

"Bella… Of course we would still be your family," I turned to Esme who smiled at me. "As long as you wanted us."

Jasper's calm was removed completely and joy and relief washed through me. It was my own joy, of course. "I don't think I'd ever not want you for my family." I smiled hugely.

After that, the meeting was pretty much over. Nobody else had any pressing issues to talk about, so I was left with Alice to fill out the application. Once it was filled out, I gave it to Alice who promised me she'd have the acceptance papers in two weeks. I sighed, knowing I'd have to tell Charlie about the application tonight. I wondered how he would react. Would he be happy or upset? I assumed he'd probably ask me a million times if I really wanted to do it, especially after the acceptance papers came in. I'd have to convince him that I really did want this life. I'd fill in cooking for vampirism and pretend I was telling him the truth.

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Thank you for reading! Thoughts? Ideas? Theories? I'd love to hear them!


	7. Chapter 6

Author's Note - Thank you very much to iwishiwasesme; so far the only one to review past the prologue :D

Of course I don't own it :'(

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 6

"Hey, Dad… Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked at dinner that night. I had been trying to think of the very best way to bring up the college thing and then decided that he was my dad; he'd be happy to hear that I was already looking at colleges when graduation was still a month away.

"Sure, Bells. What's up?" Charlie took a bite and waited for me to speak.

"Well, I've been thinking. You know, graduation is really close and a lot of the other kids have already decided what they want to do afterwards. You know, some want to go to college, some want to just start working," I took a drink and looked at Charlie's face. He looked like he was trying to hide a smile as I kept talking. "And well, you know how much I like to cook… I want to go to college for cooking. A culinary school," I said, trying to make myself sound confident.

Charlie's smile finally broke out and I noticed he looked rather proud. "That is very good, Bella. I'm happy that you've been thinking about this. Do you have a school in mind? You know, there's a really good one that I saw on TV somewhere in Alaska."

I knew all about the ones up north, but I also knew I needed to stick with my plan. "I've actually done a lot of research and I found a very good school in Italy with an awesome 4-year program. It's supposed to be best culinary school available," I said, purposely saying the location quickly.

"Italy?" Charlie said, surprised. He probably hadn't thought I'd want to go that far away.

"Yeah, but it's the best culinary school available. I'll be able to get the degree I want and pursue cooking in any scene. Either some fancy chef who only cooks for the very most expensive of restaurants or some two-bit Taco Bell chef… Whatever I want I can make it happen with a degree like that. And it's the only one I've found that actually offers that kind of degree. Most of the other culinary schools offer 90 or 120 day courses… What can I learn in 90 or 120 days that will prepare me for being a chef?" I ended my rant, showing Charlie that I had actually done my homework. And I had. He could double check all of my statements if he wanted and he'd find them all true.

"Well, it sure sounds like you've done your homework," Charlie said, sounding a little sad. "Are you sure you'd want to do that, though? I mean… Italy… it's a ways away."

"I'm aware. I just… I want to cook. I really like cooking and I think if I can make it my career, I'll have a happy life," I said, changing my true meaning around and inserting cooking where vampirism would have been more truthful. I sighed, wishing I didn't have to do this to him. I'd much rather say 'love you dad, I'm off to become another member of the vampire species. I may or may not ever see you again, but you know I love you, right?' "And besides, I've already filled out the application and sent it in. I should hear from them in about two weeks." I smiled at him.

"Well, if that's what you really want to do, Bella, I won't stop you. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know when you hear from them, okay?" He stood up and took his empty plate to the sink.

"I will, dad," I told him, knowing I'd be giving him good and bad news when I showed him the acceptance papers. He wanted me to be happy, but he also wanted me here. Or at least closer than Italy. I wished I could tell him just how far I'd be.

~*~^~*~

Two weeks later, as promised, Alice gave me the acceptance papers as well as information regarding payment. She said that if needed, she would talk to Charlie and tell him that she was going to help me pay for it. I sighed, knowing that the issue of payment was going to come up the moment I showed him the acceptance documents.

I did my best in all of my classes to at least pass them all and graduate. It was hard, trying to balance my life based in the reality I grew up with and my life based in my future reality. There was one week left before finals and Alice was helping me with all of my homework, almost doing it for me if I failed to answer even one question right. Of course, after I graduated, I would have eternity to actually learn the things I was skipping over now.

I walked in the house after school and set my bag down. Today I had overheard someone talking about Edward and it just got to me. I missed him so badly and wished I could just hear his voice one more time. The pain in my chest that occurred anytime I thought about Edward returned and I couldn't really do anything other than sit, hold my arms across my chest and cry.

I was semi-okay again by the time Charlie got home. I had started dinner and had the envelope with the acceptance papers sitting on the table for him. I put on a happy face, thinking about how it was only three weeks to a month and half before I would be leaving. It made me happy and sad at the same time. Charlie called out a greeting to me when he came in, taking off his coat, gun belt and boots before coming into the kitchen.

"Hey, dad. How was your day?" I asked, making sure I sounded a little more excited than I was.

"It was alright. How was yours?" he asked as he sat down.

"It was great," I lied, "I uh… I got something from that culinary college I told you about," I said, plastering a huge smile on my face.

It worked; Charlie was suddenly thrilled and sad at the same time. He smiled at me as I motioned toward the envelope on the table.

He picked it up and opened it, pulling out the documents a little slower than necessary. I knew he was afraid of what those papers said, but I also knew he would want that life for me if it made me happy. I just hoped he didn't ask too many questions; I had only done so much research.

He read the papers and stood up, a huge grin on his face. "Congratulations, honey!" he said loudly, coming over to give me a hug. I hugged him back; thrilled he seemed so happy for me. And I was suddenly scared and heartbroken as I thought about never seeing my father again. I hugged him harder, pushing my face into the crook of his neck.

I could feel his breath coming harder and I knew he was fighting some strong emotion. So was I.

"Are you happy?" he asked, his voice thick.

I couldn't speak, so I nodded into him. I really was happy about my decision and I didn't want to change it, but I was scared for him and for myself. He seemed to understand as he nodded and rubbed my back.

"I love you, dad," I said huskily, my voice full of emotion. "I really want this, but I'm kind of scared," I admitted. I wanted so badly to really talk with him at least once before I never got to see him again.

"I love you too, Bella. I know you're scared, honey. It will all work out. You'll get to come home for holidays and stuff, right?" he asked, leaning back to look into my face.

I nodded. I would find a way to come home for the holidays at least. If I had to hold my breath the entire time and never speak to anyone, I would come home for the holidays.

"Good." He hugged me again and kissed the side of my head.

I suddenly remembered dinner and gasped, pulling away from him and rushing to the stove. I pulled the lid off the simmering chicken and stirring it carefully. It wasn't ruined, but it was going to be a little overcooked. I smiled sadly into the chicken and turned the burner off.

The conversation about how I was going to pay for college never came up. I did see Charlie looking over the student loan application, though. I figured he probably didn't want to pry or make me feel like I couldn't handle it. We did talk about when I would be leaving and thankfully, the college's next semester was going to start about a month after my graduation. I would have just enough time to get the fake student loan, plane ticket, pack and leave.

When I went to the Cullen's that Saturday, I was anxious to hear how the conversation with the Quileute chief went. I sat in the living room while Carlisle told me that Sam, the chief, was not going to allow it. Everyone in the room looked anxious. Carlisle assured everyone that the werewolves could not do anything at the moment because none of the Cullen's had broken the treaty. I was still human, so no harm had been done yet. We would have to leave a week after graduation, though. I couldn't help the wave of agony that washed over me; I only had two weeks left with Charlie… And I still had to talk to Renee. I had told her about the college and that I got accepted, but I wanted to see her at least one more time. Every one of the Cullens seemed to understand my need to say goodbye to my human family.

Alice had mentioned something to me about one of them getting accepted to the college as well, just so they could have someone leave on the plane with me and to give me reason to be with them should anything happen. I was surprised to learn that it would be Emmett going with me and that he really did like to cook. As a human, he had, at least. He hadn't had much excuse to try as a vampire. I laughed at him and he just shrugged, making some comment about how guys can cook, too. I nodded apologetically, knowing that the love of cooking knew no gender. Or species, apparently. I told Charlie about Emmett and he laughed as well, saying that he was glad I would know at least one person in Italy.

The week of finals passed no quicker or slower than any other week. Charlie and I arranged for Renee and Phil to come to my graduation. It made me a little happier that I was actually going to get to see them that one time. Renee had already decided that she was going to help me pack. I wanted to roll my eyes at her, knowing that she would probably forget the most essential items, like toothbrushes and clothes.

I had been getting items together ever since I had gotten the acceptance papers, slowly packing the things I couldn't bear to leave behind. Alice assured me that I could pack whatever I wanted. I would still need clothes as a vampire, and sometimes familiar items helped ease the bloodlust after the transformation was complete.

~*~^~*~

It was graduation day. I was terrified. Only one more week. I closed my eyes against my tears and put on my cap and gown, going downstairs to meet Charlie, Renee and Phil. I was to meet Alice and the other Cullens at the school. We drove to the school with everyone but me talking. They were all saying how proud they were of me for going through this and for making my decision about college. Then Renee had to open the wound.

"So will I finally get to meet Edward today?" she asked in a voice that suggested she had no recollection of our 'break up.'

I felt the pain in my chest again as the memory of our final moments together flashed through my mind. And other memories; memories of how he would hold me at night, humming me to sleep; how he would kiss me so gently and say that he loved me.

"Mom," I said, my voice trembling. I saw Charlie gaping at her with anger in his eyes. "Edward and I aren't together anymore. He left like three months ago, remember?" I tried to hold back the tears, but they wouldn't stay.

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I forgot," Renee put her hand on my knee affectionately and I tried to smile at her. "You really loved him, didn't you?" She asked.

"Yeah," I tried to keep the scoff out of my voice. "But who's thinking about that today, right?" Besides me, of course. And the Cullens. "This is my graduation, and it should be about me, not him." I tried to make it sound like I was getting over him. Yeah, right. I looked out the window as Charlie parked.

"You're right, honey. Forget I mentioned him. Let's go get you your diploma!" she said eagerly as she got out of the car.

The ceremony went by quickly. I felt Edward's absence more than I usually did when people were around me. I watched as Alice and Emmett walked across the stage to get their paper and a little while later it was Rosalie and Jasper's turn. Eventually it was my turn and I walked as quickly as I dared, concentrating on my feet. I could hear Charlie and Phil cheering me on as I walked and it made me smile and wave as I walked to the other end of the stage. I sat with Alice and Jasper, perhaps a little too relieved to have this part over with.

Afterwards, Phil took everyone out to dinner (everyone being myself, Charlie and Renee, of course) at the same restaurant that Edward and I had our first date. Well, I considered it our first date. The day that I got confirmation from him that he was indeed a vampire. I sighed as I speared my mushroom ravioli, remembering that day and wishing he could be here. He would have been proud of me for graduating. And for making it across the stage without tripping. He probably would have given me a kiss just for that.

"Are you okay, honey?" Renee asked as I lifted the ravioli to my mouth. I smiled and nodded. I didn't want her to know that I was thinking about Edward.

"Yeah, mom. Just a little… I don't know. Only another week before I leave, you know?" I said after I swallowed.

"Oh, sweetie. Are you scared?" she asked, putting her hand on my arm.

"A little, yeah. But I know that this is what I want. I've thought a lot about it and I really think that this is the best decision for me." I said, thinking about Edward.

"I know, baby. It's scary for me too. I mean, you'll be gone for so long. You might be a different person the next time I see you," she said sadly.

I almost spit out my ravioli. Then I realized that there really wasn't any way that she could know what I intended to do or just how different I might be when I came back. I just smiled at her and nodded. "I know, mom. But I'll always be your little girl, right?" I asked, hoping to calm her fears a little.

"Of course, sweetie," she said as she leaned in and kissed the side of my head.

Charlie and Phil smiled at me as we finished our dinner. They were going to be there for the week so they could see me off. We were to meet the Cullens at the airport where they would see Emmett off and I would get on the plane with him.

The week passed in a blur of preparation and late night chats with Renee. Charlie and Phil would be out like lights around ten o'clock and Renee and I would stay up sometimes until three o'clock in the morning, just talking and having fun. Sometimes there would be tears, but we tried to keep that to a minimum. I was getting in as much Renee, Charlie and Phil time as I could before I left.

I wasn't sure if we were actually going to go to Italy or not, and I never really got a chance to ask. I figured I could ask Emmett once we got on the plane. I was a complete nervous wreck when the day finally came. I had my ticket and my bags and I was trying not to cry as my mom bawled in the back seat next to me as we drove to the airport.

"Mom, it will be fine. I will call you as soon as we land," I assured her. I had been given an insane amount of calling cards so I could call her or Charlie any time I wanted.

"I know, honey," she blubbered, "I just… you're leaving and going so far away!" she wiped her eyes again and tried to look a little less dramatic, but it didn't work. I leaned over and hugged her tightly.

"Mom, it's really not that different from me living in Forks when you were in Jacksonville. It's only a little farther," I hoped I wasn't lying to her. She smiled at me, only a little placated. "And besides, I'll see you during the holidays." Again, I hoped I wasn't lying to her.

"I know you will, sweetie. It's still hard to think of you in Italy. Maybe I'll come visit your school sometime?" She asked, as though she wanted to come with me now.

I almost panicked. "Um, maybe, but I'm not sure what their policy on visitors is yet." I said stupidly. "You know, it's a different country with different customs." I knew I was lying to her. I think Charlie knew it too, but he didn't say anything. I had to wonder why.

But Renee didn't notice anything. "Oh, well, you'll have to let me know as soon as you find out what their customs are, okay honey?" She said, wiping her eyes again.

"I will, mom. I will," I said as we parked. I got out and we walked into the huge building. I spotted the Cullens right away and motioned to my family to follow me. We reached them and Alice threw her arms around me.

"I'm going to miss you so much! You take care of my brother, okay?" she said, really convincingly. I patted her back.

"I will, Alice. Emmett and I are going to be great friends." I mimicked her words about me when we had first met.

She obviously remembered and smiled hugely. "I know you will." She winked at me. I almost laughed.

I noticed Renee looking at the Cullens and then looking around the building as if she was looking for someone. I realized that she was probably wondering where Edward was. So was I. I decided to tread lightly as I tapped Alice. She smiled at me.

"Any news on Edward?" I whispered. She nodded and I almost jumped out of my skin with excitement.

"He's in Alaska for the time being, but not with the Denali's." She whispered back. "I'm not sure how long he plans on staying there."

I nodded, feeling a very empty feeling in my gut. He was in Alaska. So close to me and yet I was going in the opposite direction. I wanted to cry. Alice hugged me a little harder.

"We'll find him, Bella. Eventually we will track him down. Even if it takes us a few hundred years, we will." She tried to reassure me, but I couldn't fathom the next hundred years without him. A tear betrayed me and I swatted it away, frustrated.

I hugged Renee and Charlie, saying goodbye and promising to call as soon as the plane landed. I hugged Phil and made him promise, again, to take good care of my mother. Of course he swore he would. I knew he would. I made Charlie promise me that he would try not to cook spaghetti anymore and that he would keep the cooking simple. I didn't want to hear about the house exploding with him still in it. He laughed at me and reminded me again that he had made it on his own for many years before I came to cook for him. I told him it was luck.

The Cullens said goodbye to Emmett in a way that nobody would guess they'd be seeing him again in less than two days. I was impressed. He walked over to me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"You ready, Bella?" he asked, obviously excited about the trip. I smiled at him.

"I think so… We've got to go anyway, they're calling our flight." I picked up my carryon bags and Emmett got his own as we said goodbye one more time and walked to the flight. When we were out of earshot of my human family, Emmett whispered to me.

"It will be okay, Bella. I promise." He smiled reassuringly.

I gave him a weak smile and nodded. I knew it would be, but I felt like I was losing my human family as I got onto the plane. We made it to our seats and Emmett put the bags in the compartment over our heads. We sat down and he put his arm over my shoulders, bringing me in for a hug. He was surprisingly gentle. "We'll find him." He said. "And who knows, you might just be able to have Charlie and Renee too. And that Phil guy. I guess he's alright."

I laughed at him. Phil was only 'alright' because he played sports. I knew that Emmett was not a fan of new people until he got to know them. I had to wonder what he thought of me when Edward fell in love with me. I decided not to ask. But I did have a question for him anyway.

"Emmett?" I asked, looking up at his golden eyes.

"Yeah?"

"What happened to you when you… changed?" I asked, knowing he would know what I meant.

He looked around for a moment, and then leaned down so he could whisper in my ear.

"My change was a little different than the others. All the others, except Jasper and Alice, were found by Carlisle. I was found by Rosalie," he looked up to make sure that no one could hear him. Of course they couldn't. I had to strain to hear him and he was practically whispering right into my ear. I was a little surprised to hear that Rosalie had found him. "I don't know what possessed her to do it, but according to what I've heard, she held her breath and carried me to Carlisle, begging him to save me. Obviously he did. I do remember what happened before that, though," he shifted in his seat a little and I realized that I was leaning close to him, straining my neck. He pushed me back so I was sitting normally and leaned a little closer to me and whispered just a little louder. I still knew that not even the people in front of us would be able to make out anything he was saying, if they could hear us at all. I looked up at his face as he whispered, trying to absorb all the information I could.

"I remember that a group of my friends and I were playing football in this clearing we loved in Montana. I was originally from New York, but I visited them every year or so. One of them did the kick off on the third game and it flew into the woods. We decided that I would go get it. Well,_ I_ decided that I would go get it," he laughed and shook his head a little, as if he thought the others would have let it stay out there. "I went after it, found it, and picked it up. I took my time going back and I didn't pay attention to where I was going. I got lost," he admitted it reluctantly, and I knew he hated admitting any kind of weakness. I put my hand over his and he smiled.

"It started to get dark and I kept going, knowing I was close to them. Well, I hoped I was close. I really have no idea how far I wandered or how long they looked for me. It was probably an hour later that I found myself face to face with a bear cub. I didn't bother the cub; I knew better than that. But apparently the mother bear thought differently. She charged me and I tried to get away. I don't remember much after her claws tore into my back," he winced at the memory. I tried to keep my own wince under control, but I couldn't help but think about what that must have been like for him.

"I remember going completely limp and hoping death would take me quickly. I don't know how long I stayed there before Rosalie found me, but the next thing that I remembered was the most god-awful pain everywhere. It was much worse than the bear's claws. At the time, I didn't have any comprehension of time, but I later found out that it was, of course, three days. When I woke up, the first thing I saw was Rosalie. I was absolutely certain I had made it to heaven. I called her my angel for a long time after that, until she finally told me one day how much she hated it." He laughed again.

I sat there, completely in awe of what he had to go through. And what Rosalie did for him. How had she managed to keep from killing him with his blood everywhere? Obviously there was much more to Rosalie than I had originally thought.

"What happened afterward? During your first years?" I asked, eager to know how he handled it.

Emmett laughed again and shook his head. "Edward wasn't lying when he said you were just as curious as Carlisle." He chuckled before speaking again. I smiled at him. Edward had often commented on how curious I was. I couldn't help it; I just wanted to know.

"After Carlisle and Rosalie explained what I was, I was oddly relieved that I wasn't dead. Rosalie took me out for my first hunt. That was interesting," he chuckled. "She took me out into the woods and, wouldn't you know it, I found the only campers within a thousand yard radius," he shook his head. "Rosalie had done her checking, they weren't near us. But I found them anyway. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I still remembered what hunger was like, but this was so different. It was almost like I had been denied water for a week and finally found a big, clear lake," he laughed again. "A little different, though. You don't kill the lake when you take a drink."

I laughed with him. So far my remaining coherent and focused enough to help search for Edward was looking really dim.

"After that, though, Rosalie took really good care to make sure no one was within my scent range. It was almost funny to me how I seemed to prefer bears over the other animals. I'm not sure if it's because a bear almost took my life or what. I just like them." He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at me.

I smiled back, wondering what kind of animal I would like. I knew Edward preferred mountain lions, Emmett preferred bears. I didn't know if Carlisle or the others had a preference. The plane jumped as it started it's decent into New York, where I had no idea if we were supposed to meet the other Cullens or wait or hop on a plane to Italy. I hoped I knew before it happened. I gasped as the plane continued to jump a little and grabbed Emmett's arm. He laughed a little louder than and held my hand, saying it was completely normal for the plane to do that. I scowled at him.

We got off the plane and Emmett explained that we were going to wait in a hotel for a few days until Carlisle and Rosalie came back up. Jasper, Alice and Esme were going to Canada to try to catch up with Edward.

I barely registered anything as Emmett checked us into the hotel, claiming me as his sister – I didn't know if it was for the show or because he actually considered me to be his sister already – and we went to our room. I set my bags down as Emmett walked back out to get the rest of our luggage. I glanced outside and saw that it was dark out. I sighed, praying that Edward would listen to his family and come here with them. Somehow I felt that it was not going to be that easy, no matter how badly I craved it.

Emmett came back in with our luggage and some comment about how women had to pack everything. He was smiling, so I knew he wasn't upset, but I still felt bad. I tried to take my bags from him, but he wouldn't let me. He took everything to my bed and put it down with a triumphant smile. I giggled at him. He was more of a show-off than Edward was. This was going to be an interesting few days.

It turned out to be only one day. Emmett made me lie down and sleep for a few hours, saying that I was going to need it. I didn't argue with him as I lay down and my eyes shut, almost immediately sending me into a dream about Edward.

I woke to the sound of Emmett laughing. I sat up and looked at him, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. I wanted to be upset; I was having the most amazing dream about Edward. When I looked at him though, I could tell exactly why he was laughing. I blushed every shade of red known to man, and probably a few that weren't, as he sat in a chair facing me, holding onto his stomach and laughing at something I had said in my sleep. I didn't want to know what it was.

I refused to sleep after that. He apologized, and I forgave him, but I still didn't want a repeat performance. So I dug out the playing cards my mother had packed for me and I challenged him to a game of war. Emmett was a sore loser. He did say that Jasper would hate the game, considering it was nothing like a war. We played various card games, some he knew and some I knew. It was probably around two o'clock the next morning and I was about to pass out from being so tired when Carlisle and Rosalie came to our room. I was a little disappointed that the others weren't with him; particularly Edward.

Rosalie and Emmett all but attacked each other while Carlisle took me over to sit on the bed, giving them a little space. I looked at him expectantly, hoping for some good news. He seemed to know exactly what I was after.

He shook his head slightly and my heart dropped. "He ran off before we could get within two miles of him. Alice is not sure where he plans to go next. Jasper says he is rather upset that we won't leave him alone. We will, of course, continue to try." He reached out his arms to hug me and I buried my face in his shoulder. I tried not to cry, but my tears would not be held back. Somehow I knew that this could continue forever. We'd find him, but of course he couldn't hear me, so he would have to rely on their word that I was with them. He probably wouldn't believe them, get angry and run off again. I would never find him; I would never be with him again. I cried until I fell asleep on his shoulder.

I'm not sure how long I slept. When I woke up, I was in a different bed, completely covered and I could hear Alice talking somewhere. I looked at my surroundings. I was in a darkened room with stone walls. It looked like walls you would expect to find in a cottage. The bed was small, but big enough, and the only other furniture in the room was a desk and a chair. I sat up and moaned a little when my head throbbed. I put my hand to my forehead, closing my eyes tightly.

Alice came into the room quietly and smiled at me.

"How are you feeling? Emmett said you barely slept, so Carlisle gave you something to keep you asleep while we moved you. We want to make sure you are well-rested before we start the transformation," she explained.

"Thanks," I said, smiling at her.

She laughed and looked up, calling Carlisle's name. A few moments later, Carlisle came in.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" he asked.

I had to smile. "Fine, thank you, Dr. Cullen."

He smiled at me before sitting on the edge of the bed to look me over. He declared me healthy and well-rested, standing up. "Do you want to wait, or do you want to get it over with?" he asked me.

"I want to do it now, but I have a few questions first," I said.

"Alright." Carlisle sat back down and waited patiently for me to speak.

"First, how long was I asleep?" I hadn't called anyone yet and I wanted to let my family know I was safely tucked away at 'school' before I changed.

"You've been asleep for 15 hours. Emmett called your family for you and explained that you were too tired to call. They understood. They do want to hear from you, but you don't have to call them now. It can wait." He put his hand on mine.

I nodded, thankful Emmett had done that for me. "My second question is, is there any more news about Edward?" I glanced at Alice.

Alice shook her head. "He still hasn't made up his mind. He stops for a few hours at one place, then changes his mind," She sighed.

I nodded. I decided that I would do whatever I could the moment I was able to help. "I'm ready," I said, taking a deep breath. A surge of fear ran through me and my eyes filled up.

"Are you sure, Bella? We can wait a while if you want," Carlisle said.

"No, I'm ready. I'm just a little scared," I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Alright. Let me get a few things." He stood and left the room for a minute. Alice came to sit on the bed beside me and hugged me.

"It will be okay. Carlisle is going to give you some morphine to help with the pain." She hugged me a little tighter.

I remembered Carlisle say that he could give me something for the pain, but that it would wear off in a few hours. I smiled at their efforts.

Carlisle came back in with Jasper to help calm my nerves. It worked. Where I would have expected myself to tense up and maybe even get nauseous at the sight of the needles, all I felt was a detached calm. I felt the physical pain that accompanied the needle being pushed into my arm, but my heart rate never increased and I never felt the dread or the lightheadedness. I figured every doctor should have a Jasper around for their patients like me. And I told Carlisle so. He laughed at me and I felt the calm slip away as the morphine worked through my system.

I had never had morphine before. I didn't really know what to expect. I sort of expected that it would just calm me down. Instead, I felt a slight tingle burning in my limbs, especially my fingers and toes. It was uncomfortable, but only for a moment. Once the tingle stopped, the morphine really started work. It was almost as good to my body as Jasper's calm was. I couldn't feel upset about anything as Carlisle ushered everyone out of the room. He came back to stand by me and said something that almost sounded like a prayer. I smiled at him and he took my hand. He looked at it for a moment then opened his mouth and bit my wrist.

If I hadn't been so drugged, I might have asked him why he started there. But I couldn't. He walked around the bed and took my other arm, biting my wrist again. I could almost feel the physical burn as his venom began to take hold of me. It reminded me of the way the morphine felt as it was first introduced to my body, only about fifty times as potent.

Carlisle bent over me and caressed my hair for a moment as he said something that sounded like, "It will pass soon and I will see you in three days." I can't be certain that was what he actually said, though, as the morphine and the venom clouded my ears. He tilted my head up and I closed my eyes tightly as he lowered his face to my neck. I felt his teeth break the skin and I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. He went around to the other side of me and bit the other side of my neck.

He stood stiffly and wiped his mouth. I looked at him as he became very blurry. The fire coursing through my veins was painful, and I could feel it getting worse with every beat of my heart, but I still couldn't speak. He moved his head and I think he called out, but I can't be sure. The bed suddenly depressed and I felt a cold hand against the fire in my arm and face. I'm not sure who was there, but I think it was Alice. As I looked up, I thought I saw black hair.

A few moments later, as everything became increasingly blurry and faded, I felt my eyes slide closed. I don't think I ever actually lost consciousness, but I did lose all track of time and space as I became more aware of the fire coursing through my system. I vaguely remember wondering if Jasper had to stay far away from me or if he was near. Somehow I hoped for both.

I'm not sure when the morphine wore off, but I know that I began to wish I would die when I felt the fire hit my heart. I couldn't breathe and I could barely register any outside noises anymore as the fire completely consumed me. I could faintly detect a loud whimpering sound and I wondered who was crying. The whimpering turned to a faded scream as the pain became worse. I could feel my heart slowing down and the pumps getting increasingly slower. I couldn't get enough breath and I felt as though my lungs were collapsing. When the pain peaked, I wished I could pass out or something to get away from the pain. It eventually did start to fade, however, and whoever was screaming so loudly in my ears lowered their voice to a whimper once more.

The pain continued to fade slowly until there was only a shadow of a burn in my throat. It vaguely reminded me of being thirsty, only it was different. I remembered the way Emmett had described it. It felt as though I had been denied water for a week. I felt completely parched.

When the whimpering finally stopped, I tried to open my eyes. Blinding light met my eyes and I closed them again quickly. I heard a movement beside me and then a very loud roar as some kind of metal was moved against another metal. The light in the room faded and I was allowed to open my eyes again. The curtains had been drawn. I furrowed my eyebrows. It felt wrong. I lifted my fingers to my forehead and gasped when they felt the same but different. The skin did not push in the way it would have before, but it had the same texture. I experimented with my eyebrows, furrowing and unfurrowing them, lifting them up and pushing them down. I heard a chuckle beside me and turned my head to see Alice sitting in the chair that went to the desk.

Was it over? Was I a vampire now? I looked at her and realized that I had never really seen her before. She was beautiful. Even more so than usual. I opened my mouth to say something and realized that I wasn't exactly sure if I used my voice the same way anymore. I tried an experimental hum. I sounded almost the same. My voice was a little higher and clearer than usual. It was something that I hadn't ever thought of before. I hummed again and raised my voice, then lowered it. When I lowered my voice a little, I sounded the same as I had before.

"Welcome back, Bella." I heard Carlisle say as he came in the room. He smiled at me.

I smiled back, then went into another experimental frenzy of my cheeks and lips. Everything felt just different enough that I had to try it out. Carlisle laughed at me as he sat on the edge of the bed. He checked me over once and told me I was a perfectly healthy vampire. I smiled triumphantly, thinking back over the transformation process. The echo of the burn in my throat was still there and I opened my mouth to speak.

"Thank you," I said, marveling at my voice and the way it felt to speak. I couldn't feel the vibrations anymore. "Who was screaming?" I asked, remembering the noise.

"That was you, Bella," Carlisle said, looking a little concerned.

Me? Oh. I shook my head. "You must have thought I was going to explode," I chuckled.

Carlisle laughed. "It's not uncommon. You must have thought you were dying." He looked at me rather curiously and I laughed.

"Is this thirst?" I asked, pointing at my throat. "It burns." My god, if this hurt this badly without smelling any blood at all; how bad must Edward have hurt smelling me? I vaguely remembered Jasper showing me, but I couldn't concentrate on it very much as most of my thought was washed away by the need to drink something. Where I normally would have sought out that huge, clear lake that Emmett had talked about, I wanted blood. I wanted warm, flowing blood. I started to stand up.

"I think it's time." Carlisle said as he motioned for Alice.

Alice was at my side and walking me through the door so quickly I shouldn't have been able to notice the motion. But I did. I noticed every movement. I couldn't concentrate on how quickly I was moving because the burn in my throat became unbearable. I noticed Alice looking at someone with a worried expression, but I didn't stop to think about what it meant. I heard someone say my name with a caution undertone, as if trying to get my attention. I didn't stop and suddenly I was outside. Was I running? I didn't know or care to know in that moment as the trees whipped past me at a blinding rate. I could smell it. Blood. I didn't know what kind of blood it was; if it was human or animal. I didn't care. I wanted it and the burn in my throat demanded it. I heard the car before I saw it. It was idling on the side of the road and I stopped only long enough to assess the situation. A man was looking at a map as he stood outside of the car, a woman sitting on the inside. I could see through the windows and there were no other passengers. I could hear their hearts beating and the sound made me growl. I was surprised that the sound could come from me, but I barely registered the surprise as I saw the man's head look up and around with an almost scared look on his face. His heart rate sped up and the smell of it attacked me as I lunged forward.

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Thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 7

Author's Note - I'm very excited to finally have this story caught up! The next chapter is just about ready to go, and will hopefully be up tomorrow, possibly Monday. After that, I will try to post every few days.

I still don't own anything :(

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 7

TWO YEARS LATER

I fiddled excitedly with the string of my hoodie as I stood in the rain, hoping this time would be different. Alice had said that Edward was here in Tutunendo, Columbia. They stayed behind in hopes that I could find him and he would not hear them.

I had been a vampire now for two years. That first year was hell on earth. After my first attack on the poor travelers, I felt terrible. I had killed two people; taken their lives. Jasper came up to me and calmed me, but I knew it wasn't going to last. He waited to lift his calm until we were back at the cottage. Every single Cullen did their very best to keep me away from humans from then on, introducing me to deer, lions, bears… every kind of animal available.

Not one animal satiated the thirst the way those two humans did and I craved to taste it again. I lost control of myself more times than I cared to count throughout my first year. I don't know how many humans I killed. After every single kill, I would regret it and swear to myself that it would never happen again. But it would. It was almost a year exactly after I had become a vampire that I was able to be anywhere near the scent of human blood without turning into a monster. I was very pleased with myself, but I was reminded that while I did a great job, I still had some work to do before I could go near a town.

And so I worked. Hard.

We had moved to a small town in Pennsylvania where Carlisle could work at the local hospital and Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie could all start going to school. I stayed with Esme during the day and she would help me try to control my emotions and resist the temptation of human blood. Carlisle would bring home blood samples for me to work with.

I forced myself to smell the blood samples and not drink them. I wanted them. The burn in my throat would become nearly unbearable before Jasper would calm me down. Emmett would sometimes sit behind me with his hands on my shoulders, just in case. The blood would be taken away, but I could still smell it.

My first day in town, we left our residence and went to Deadwood, South Dakota. I couldn't help but laugh at the name. It seemed like Alice had picked it just for its name. I survived, but barely. Jasper helped to calm me when I needed it and Rosalie suggested that I hold my breath when it got too bad. I did as she suggested, and made it on one shopping trip with the Cullens. I was very pleased with myself.

It wasn't too long after that, that I began to help search for Edward. Alice had found him several times, and either Carlisle or Esme would go with someone else to try to catch up with him. As usual, he would flee the moment their thoughts came into his head. We had tried many different techniques, but the result was always the same.

This time, however, we decided to test and see if my thoughts were still guarded from him. I stood outside of the little hotel in Columbia, hoping against hope that he would still be here and that he wouldn't run from me. I opened the door and stepped inside, closing the door gently behind me. The man behind the counter's eyes widened when he saw me and he scrambled to clean up his desk. It was a reaction I was used to. After all, I was beautiful now. Ever human male I encountered would act like a blubbering idiot in hopes of impressing me. Poor fools. I smiled at him and looked at the paper Alice had given me. Room 10. I walked to the counter and concentrated on the Spanish Alice had taught me before I left. I was amazed at how quickly my vampire brain would learn new things and retain them.

"Can you tell me if room 10 is occupied?" I asked, the man looking at me with an odd expression before turning to his book to see if the room I requested was occupied.

He shook his head before answering. "No, it isn't. The occupant checked out yesterday. Would you like to rent it?" he asked hopefully.

I smiled sweetly. "No, thank you for your help." I turned and walked out, feeling very dejected. I fished the cell phone out of my pocket and pressed the number 2, speed dial for Alice. It barely even rang before Alice picked up.

"He checked out yesterday," I said sadly.

"That doesn't make sense. I still see him there, in the hotel. Can you see if you can get to the hotel room and make sure he's not still there?" Alice asked.

I was sure I was about to confuse the poor man and maybe even scare him a little. "Yeah," I said, walking back into the hotel.

"Excuse me, may I see room 10 please?" I asked, smiling sweetly.

The poor guy looked at me very oddly for a moment before he reached behind him and grabbed the room key.

"Of course; follow me please," he said with a touch of hesitation in his voice. I followed him to the room where he let me in.

The cleaning crew had not been in yet. I was completely assaulted by Edward's scent as I walked in the door. I could tell, however, that the room was empty the moment I entered it. I sniffed, inhaling his scent and wishing he hadn't run. I turned to look at the hotel clerk. He was staring at me with an unfathomable expression on his face. I smiled at him and looked around the room a little more. He hadn't left anything here, although I couldn't think of how Edward could forget anything. I sighed and walked back to the door.

"Thank you very much," I said quietly and left. He was probably wondering what was wrong with me, but I didn't have time to think about that. Alice saw him still here. I searched through the town, asking the locals if they had seen anyone that matched his description. A few people had seen him, and said that they thought he left that morning. Mostly, nobody knew what I was talking about and looked at me like I was crazy. I sighed as I walked into a small shop and sat on the bench inside, looking around once and sagging into the bench when he wasn't there. I brought the little cell phone out of my pocket and called Alice again.

"He's not here," I said quietly. "I searched the town. He left this morning."

"That jerk!" Alice cried. "He tricked me. He's gone back to indecision now. I think he did that on purpose. You know how my visions only work according to what people decide. He probably did leave this morning, when I saw the vision change, then he decided that he was going to go back, but he never did, which is why I still see him there, but he's not there. Now I have no idea where he is!" Alice huffed into the phone.

I smiled; Edward was a cunning little devil. I lifted my sleeve to my nose and sniffed, smiling a little when a bit of Edward's scent lingered from the room. I would have to be happy with this for now and pray I would have the rest of him shortly.

Edward's scent on my shirt didn't even last through the day. I made it back home and tucked myself in my room. I sniffed the shirt one more time and felt like crying. If I was able to cry, I would have. Instead, I tossed the shirt aside and tried not to bang my head against the wall.

My phone rang and I picked it up, smiling at the number. "Hi, mom," I said with my voice lowered just a little. "How are you?" I asked.

I had talked to Charlie and Renee quite a few times since becoming a vampire. We even had a date set that I would be going to see them for Christmas this year. It was only July, so there was still a while before I would see them. I was still excited. I hadn't gotten to see them the first year of the holidays; instead, I had been too busy making myself as comfortable around the smell of human blood as the rest of my family was.

"I'm fine, honey. I miss you," she said sadly.

"I know, mom. I miss you too," I replied.

"How are you doing? Making all kinds of goodies, I hope?" she asked with a hopeful voice.

I laughed. "Yeah, mom. I'm doing great. This school is really awesome. I miss you guys, of course, but just think; when I come home, I'll be able to make most of the Christmas dinner!" I said with a laugh. I'd be able to make it, but I wouldn't be able to eat it. I sighed quietly.

"I'm looking forward to that!" she said happily. "Well, honey, I've got to go, but I wanted to call and see how things were. Hang in there, sweetie."

"I will, mom. You too." We said goodbye and hung up. I sat down on the bed I never used and rested my head against the headboard. I wondered how long this lonely feeling would stay with me. I had my family, I shouldn't be lonely, but I didn't have Edward. He was the reason I did this. Was it all for nothing? I closed my eyes tightly and tried not to think of the forever stretching before me with no Edward.

I think I must have scared Jasper away from me. Not literally, of course, but he seemed to try to stay away from me lately. Alice said that he didn't particularly care for the feelings coming off me. He didn't want to constantly push my feelings away so he could be comfortable. I felt bad and tried to get rid of those feelings for his sake, but it didn't work. Anytime I got a slightly introspective moment, I'd think of Edward. Truthfully, he never left my mind. I could just dwell on him more when I wasn't preoccupied trying to think of something else.

We decided to give him a few months before trying to search for him again. I wasn't happy about it, but I understood their logic. If he thought that we had decided to leave him alone, he might decide to stay in one place longer than a week. We might be able to catch him off-guard. I almost laughed. Catching Edward off-guard would be like winning a bet against Alice. Impossible.

I filled my time with learning. I didn't go to the culinary school or back to any high school, but I learned a lot. I focused on cooking so I could pretend that I had gone to the culinary school. I learned that cooking was much less satisfying when the smell of it made you want to gag. Now I knew why Edward made those faces when he would watch me cook. At the time, I thought it smelled so good, but now… It was repulsive.

I was very impressed with myself when I cooked a whole meal. I really had no idea if it was actually edible, but I followed all of the instructions to the letter, so I figured it should be. Emmett laughed at me as he put the final touches on the meal he had made. We all hated to waste the food we had cooked, so we took all of the food to a local shelter. We did that every time we made any food, each time taking it to a different shelter. There was always enough food between Emmett and I that we knew at least twenty or thirty people would have a good meal. It made me feel better about cooking and made me want to do it more.

The months passed and eventually I didn't have to pay such strict attention to the recipes and the instructions. There were a few times that one of us would stay at the shelter to ask how the food was. Every time, we were informed that it was absolutely delicious. I often wondered, however, if it was because those who were eating it hadn't had a decent meal in a long time. I hoped not. I hated to think of someone going hungry like that.

It was November when we decided to start looking for Edward again. If this time didn't work, we'd stop searching until after the New Year so I would have enough time to pretend to be human for my family.

Alice said that he had been in Dongou, in the Congo region, for the last three weeks. It was a record length of time for him; up until then, he hadn't been in any place for more than a week and a half at the most since he left Forks. I went with Jasper to the area. He was going to set up a camp about five miles outside the area and I was to go to the town to try to find him. Jasper would be there if I needed help or if I was able to find Edward, he would be able make Edward calm down and listen to me. I didn't particularly care for the idea of Jasper making Edward feel anything he didn't want to feel, but I figured I could handle it for a few minutes if it meant I could have Edward back.

I turned toward Jasper, trying desperately not to get my hopes up this time. He smiled encouragingly at me as he set up the tent.

"Wish me luck," I said as I got ready to head into the small town.

"Good luck, Bella. Call me when you find anything," he said as he stepped into his tent.

"Alright." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment before stepping out onto to road toward Dongou.

I kept to the outskirts of the town for a few hours, searching with my ears, eyes and nose for any sign of Edward. After five hours of searching with not so much as a faint scent trail, I went into the town, playing a tourist who had lost her guide. I asked every person I could find if they had seen my guide. Only three people had seen a person who matched my description, and they said that there was no way that he could be my guide.

"Why is that?" I asked, a little indignant.

The little old man eyed me warily before gesturing for me to follow him to the back of his little hut. I followed, obviously not afraid of him. I could easily fight him off if he tried to get frisky.

My eyes widened in shock when I reached the back of his hut. He was obviously a very superstitious man. He had many different talismans hanging on the walls and from the ceiling. I glanced at a few of them.

"You may think I'm crazy, but this person you seek… it is not human," he said in a very serious tone.

I wanted to laugh at him; somehow his words and the tone of his voice were very funny to me. I held it in, and concentrated on my facial expression, making sure I looked confused. "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about," I said, applying the right amount of bewilderment to my voice.

"It is an Owenga!" The man turned to me and scrunched his face up as he said the word. It was obvious he was trying to scare me, just a little. I tried not to giggle. Instead, I took a step back and plastered a confused but shocked look on my face.

"What's that?" I asked, honestly curious.

He told me all about the local legends of how the Owenga was a reincarnation of an ancient evil sorcerer that ate the flesh of humans, although it could survive on animals if it couldn't get a human alone. It was good at portraying itself as a human, either male or female. Apparently this one was male. He had seen the pale-white creature with a human form running through the forest, possibly chasing its next victim.

I nodded as he told me about this, trying desperately not to laugh at him, and then I just couldn't help myself. "How long ago did you see it?" I asked, concentrating very hard to not say 'him'.

"Three days ago was the last I saw of it. I wouldn't be surprised if it is still out there… hunting." His gaze turned toward the forest outside of his hut. I followed his gaze and focused my senses around me, trying to hear as far out as I could to detect any sounds of Edward. I heard the local people milling about; I heard the sounds of their children playing together; I heard the sounds of their heartbeats and their breathing. But nothing else. Nothing that would suggest there were any other vampires in the area.

I sighed and looked back at the man standing next to me.

"Thank you so much for all of your help," I said kindly.

"You're welcome. I hope you find your real guide shortly," he said, giving me one last warning. "Stay away from it. Once it gets you alone, it will change into its real form and devour you."

I smiled at him and left the hut, gazing around me and searching the edges of the trees for any further signs. Nothing. I ventured further into the little town, where the huts were replaced by actual houses made of stone. I continued asking around, but only very few people claimed they had seen what I was looking for. Each one of them crossed themselves and ran into their houses.

I sighed. Obviously Edward had been trying to hide himself in the woods, but either hadn't taken into consideration the fact that they practically live in the woods… or perhaps there were others out there.

I surveyed a little more of the town before slipping off into the woods. I searched with my eyes, ears and nose again as I moved quickly through the woods. Another hour went by before I stopped and got the phone out of my pocket. I called Jasper.

"Bella?" I heard Jasper's voice and could tell he was anxious.

"It's me; is everything okay?" I asked.

"Yes, I think Edward found me," he said. I was confused for a moment before I realized what he was saying. Edward had realized Jasper was here and took off again. Dejection flooded through me.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I heard Jasper's voice beside me and looked up to see him standing ten feet away, his tent already packed up.

"Me too, Jasper. Me too," I sighed.

We went back to our current home in Pennsylvania. Alice had already informed the others that we were unsuccessful.

"He wasn't in the town." I heard Jasper talking to Emmett and Rosalie. "He was in the woods. He couldn't see or hear Bella, but he heard me. Once he heard me, he ran."

I was so mad. I had been so close… If I had stayed with Jasper, I could have run after Edward in whatever direction he had gone. I tried not to blame myself, but I couldn't help it. I was the only one who had any chance of getting close to him and I had gone the opposite direction of him.

Jasper looked at me disapprovingly. I smiled sheepishly at him and sighed, knowing he was right. It wasn't my fault. It was just so unfair.

We all got together that night to discuss the coming months. It was only a month and half before I would go to Jacksonville to spend Christmas with my human family. I was terrified. I wasn't too afraid of being around the scent of their blood, although I hadn't yet spent more than a few days in the presence of human blood and I would be spending a whole week with them. My biggest fear was that the sun was going to be shining all day long. I would not be able to go outside. Ever. Unless it was the middle of the night.

I voiced my concerns at the meeting and Carlisle looked at me for a few moments before speaking again.

"I think Bella has a legitimate concern here. She has not ever had this experience before and we don't want to risk a mistake on her part."

He glanced at me and smiled, letting me know he knew I wouldn't do anything on purpose. But still, I was terrified of the mistakes he was referring to. I was also terrified that he was going to suggest that I don't go.

"I would suggest that one of us go with her," Carlisle said, glancing in Emmett's direction.

That shocked me. I glanced around to see Esme, Rosalie and Emmett looking almost as shocked as I felt. Jasper and Alice, however, seemed like they had already seen this coming. Alice, of course, probably had. She probably told Jasper about it.

It was silent for a moment after that. Obviously Alice knew who would be going with me. I had no idea. At first I thought it would be Alice, but then I noticed she and Jasper, along with Carlisle, were looking at Emmett. Of course, it would have to be Emmett.

"Would you like to go to Jacksonville, Emmett?" Carlisle asked.

Emmett smiled broadly and leaned back. "Sure." I wasn't sure why he would want to subject himself to the sunny weather of winter in Jacksonville, but I figured I could ask him later.

With only a month and a half to go, we decided it would be best if I spent the time learning how to behave myself in an extended stay with humans and the sunlight. Every one of them had a few pearls of wisdom to share, for which I was grateful.

I was reminded that, although I was going to be indoors, I still had to watch out for windows and doors and such. And if the room was really bright, we'd sparkle anyway. Alice predicted that there would be clouds only on two of the days we would be there, however one of the days would only be partly cloudy. I was also reminded constantly to control my movements.

It never ceased to amaze me how quickly time could pass when you were looking forward to a terrifying situation. Even as a human, time seemed to have the sadistic ability to speed up when you wished it would slow down. As a vampire, however, time seemed to have no meaning whatsoever, except when you wanted it to move slowly. It didn't even seem like three days had passed and suddenly Emmett and I were getting ready for our trip to Jacksonville.

We arrived at the airport in Pennsylvania and said goodbye to the rest of the Cullens. Rose and Emmett went off to the side to say their own goodbyes while Alice all but dragged me off the other direction.

"You remember everything we talked about?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes playfully at her; she had been close to overbearing the last month while helping me to prepare. Close to, but not quite. I felt so much gratitude toward her and Jasper, Carlisle and Esme, Emmett, and even Rosalie. There was no way I could feel overwhelmed by any of their presences.

"Yes, I remember everything. Remember, the vampire brain doesn't forget anything." That fact still shocked me a little. I could remember absolutely everything with an astonishing clarity; everything from the first moment Carlisle's teeth broke through my skin and my transformation began. Things before that seemed a little fuzzy, but I still remembered my human family and what certain things were like as a human. Some things I missed, like being able to enjoy a good meal with my family; but others I didn't miss at all. There were too many things I knew I would never miss, like getting sick. I never had to worry about that again.

"Of course not. Call me immediately if you need anything, okay?" She smoothed my hair down and looked worriedly into my eyes.

"Alice, you will probably know if I need anything before I do. Do you see anything bad happening?" I asked, suddenly anxious.

"No, it's not that," she said with a sigh. "I just worry. So many things could change suddenly or go wrong. At the moment, everything looks good; no one seems to suspect anything when they see you. Charlie... Charlie might. I can't really decipher the look on his face yet, though." She rambled on for a few more minutes.

"Alice, Charlie always suspects something," I said with a shrug. "It will be okay; I know how to handle him." I hoped.

Alice nodded and hugged me one last time. I squeezed her back. "I'll miss you." She said.

"I'll miss you too, Alice. It's only a week, though. I think we can handle a week apart." I tried my best to laugh. One thing that followed me into vampirism was my utter inability to lie. At least the clumsiness stayed behind.

She let go of me and nodded, then turned and led me back to the rest of the family.

"They're about to call your flight," Alice said as she handed me over to Jasper.

I nodded at her and hugged Jasper. "I'll see you in a week, Jazz," I said.

He nodded and I couldn't help but feel even sadder. I knew I wanted this, but I was scared. He smiled at me and sighed, right before a wave of happiness washed over me. I smiled brightly at him and went on to hug Esme and Carlisle.

"Take care, honey," Esme said as she gave me her tightest squeeze.

"I will," I squeezed her back.

Emmett and Rosalie came back to the group and Emmett gave everyone his version of a goodbye hug. It looked more like a death squeeze. I giggled as he lifted Esme off the ground.

"I'll miss you, Bella." I turned around to see Rosalie looking at me with concern in her eyes. Although we had grown closer over the last two and half years, I'm not too sure I would consider us friends. She was definitely keeping her promise to help me and had offered invaluable advice more than once, however she also kept her distance in a way. I couldn't really blame her. After all, she was still a little upset with me for choosing this life when she wouldn't have. She did seem to understand that my choice was made based on my own desires, and that I didn't share her desires and passions. My one goal was to find and be with Edward again, and this seemed to be the only way.

"I'll miss you, too, Rosalie," I said quietly. I opened my arms to offer a hug and she smiled before accepting.

"See you in a week," she said.

I squeezed her lightly in reply and stepped back as she released me.

I turned to Emmett when I heard our flight being called. Jasper's happy feeling hadn't gone away yet, but I knew as soon as we stepped onto the plane, he wouldn't be able to make the tension in my gut stay away. With a final goodbye to everyone, Emmett and I left to board the airplane.

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Thank you for reading! Any theories on what will happen in Jacksonville?


	9. Chapter 8

Author's note - A few things before we start this chapter - first, if you are expecting to see Edward in this chapter... I'm very sorry. He will make a very brief appearance in the next chapter, but he will not be back until chapter 11.

Second, I'm quite nervous about this chapter. I hope you guys like it. Or at least tolerate it, lol. I think it turned out okay, and I think I'm happy with it, but still. I'm sweatin' bullets.

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 8

When Emmett and I arrived at the airport, my mom and Phil were waiting for us. Emmett had told me he agreed to go to Jacksonville because it seemed like it would be fun. And he had to watch out for his little sister. It made me smile to know that he really thought of me as his sister.

I hugged my mom gently and she looked at me with wide eyes when she pulled away.

"My goodness, Bella! Have you been working out or something?" she asked.

I knew it wouldn't happen, but somehow I expected a blush to creep up on my cheeks. Emmett and I had already talked about this on the flight.

"Yeah. After losing so many arm wrestles with Emmett, I decided it was time to beef up a bit," I said, hoping she wouldn't see through my obvious lie.

Mom was easygoing as ever, and let it slide even if she did suspect something. I don't think Phil knew me well enough to know that was a lie. Besides, he was too preoccupied with talking to Emmett about sports. I sighed. They were obviously going to get along famously during our visit.

During the ride home, Renee went on and on about how much shopping she still needed to do for Christmas. It was so like her to leave it to the last minute, I thought. Today was the 23rd, she'd have tomorrow morning to get the rest of it done. I knew she'd ask me to accompany her, and thank goodness I was never one to go on extended shopping trips with my mother, especially during the holidays, and she would probably expect me to decline.

It was almost midnight when we got to the house and both Renee and Phil hurried to show us where everything was so we could get to bed.

Emmett and I both pretended to go to sleep and listened as Phil and Renee's breaths evened out. Once I was certain they were both down for the count, I crept out of the guest bedroom and went into the living room where Emmett was sitting up on the couch. He smiled at me and stood up, and we made our way to a local park to try to find something to eat.

It was easier than I was thinking it was going to be, finding food in Jacksonville. Most of it was little creatures that were at least fun to chase.

We were back in the house long before the sun came up and sat in the living room, listening to the heartbeats around us and talking about nothing particularly important. He told me stories about himself and I told him more about me. Little things that I could remember in fuzzy detail from childhood.

We pretended to have just woken up when Renee and Phil staggered into the room the next morning. Emmett even faked a very real-looking yawn. I didn't want to try it, too afraid I'd raise suspicion.

I made breakfast for Phil and Renee, showing off just a little bit. They were both very impressed and I made a big deal about how I had tasted everything while cooking and now I wasn't hungry. Just to avoid any questions.

After breakfast, Emmett turned on the TV to watch some game on their On Demand cable while my mom and Phil started getting ready to do their shopping.

"Do you want to come with us, Bella?" Renee asked, her eyes bright. I could tell that she wanted to spend some time with me, but I figured we could go for some late night walk or something during the week that I'd be with her.

"No, thank you, Mom. I'm still kind of tired from the flight and you know how I don't really like shopping," I said, attempting to feign a tired posture.

She looked disappointed for a few moments, but then her face perked back up. "Okay, baby. We'll have some fun times while you're here anyway. See you in a few hours. Love you!"

She gave me a quick hug and ran out the door with Phil right behind her.

I plopped down on the sofa next to Emmett and sighed in relief. First hurdle crossed. Now Emmett and I just had to survive the rest of our stay. Charlie was flying out to visit us and would be here sometime around six o'clock.

"Nervous?" Emmett asked, looking at me during a commercial. I had a feeling he was going to have plenty of excuses to stay inside during our visit. Knowing Renee, she'd let him get away with murder as long as he felt at home. I still couldn't believe that Renee and Phil had swallowed the excuse for him coming with me. The thought of Dr. Cullen being gone on a business trip during Christmas was insane, but somehow they accepted it and the pathetically ridiculous notion that his family wasn't going to be celebrating Christmas until Carlisle came back.

I puffed out my cheeks and blew out a breath. "Yeah," I said, nodding my head. I was very nervous.

Emmett reached over and took my hand.

"Don't worry, little sis. Everything will be fine. If something goes wrong, we'll hear from Alice in good time." He smiled as he squeezed my hand gently. I looked down at our pale fingers and took a deep breath. It didn't escape my notice that he hadn't said nothing would go wrong. He gave it the possibility and it made my chest tighten a little.

I was a little worried about Charlie because he had known the Cullens far longer than my mother had. Would he be able to tell the difference in me? Or find the glaring similarities between Emmett and me such as our eye color and cold skin. I had been very careful to pack long sleeved shirts and pants. I wished I could also get away with cloves, boots and a scarf. No wonder the Cullens' preferred cold places.

I told Emmett about my fear of Charlie figuring us out and he chuckled at me, shaking his head.

The game came back on and he turned his attention back to it. I was sure he had to have seen it already, but I gave him his space and went into the guest bedroom to mull over things and unpack the gifts I had brought with me.

~*~^~*~

Charlie was happy to see me when he came into the house that night. He made the same comment about how I must've been working out and I smiled, going over the same ruse with him. He just smiled and a hint of disbelief shone in his eyes before he turned his attention to Emmett.

"I guess we probably won't need to worry about her in a dark alley by herself anymore, will we?" Charlie asked, humor in his eyes.

Emmett just smiled widely. "That's the idea."

I laughed. I'd be the one to be afraid of in a dark alley now. I couldn't help but remember a time in my previous life with Edward when I was in danger in a dark alley.

Emmett and I cooked dinner that night. It wasn't anything like it was going to be the following night, but Christmas Eve was always a special occasion, so it deserved it's own mini feast. I also began preparing deserts and salads for the following day.

I was happy that I had made myself taste the food on a few occasions when Emmett and I were learning to cook together. I'm not quite sure how we managed it, but both Emmett and I managed to survive eating Christmas Eve dinner with my family. I couldn't believe how in debt I was going to be to Emmett when this was over. We ate as little as possible, just enough to avoid scrutiny.

Everyone made several comments about how delicious the food was. I tried to agree, but mostly I just said I was glad they enjoyed it. Truthfully, I _was_ glad that they enjoyed it.

I felt rather uncomfortable after eating, but it was bearable. I wondered if Emmett was feeling the same way. Was this a natural reaction to eating human food? I had to remember to ask Emmett about it later.

It had been a tradition of sorts when I was growing up that we would open one present on Christmas eve and save the rest for the morning. This time would be different because we really only had one present for each person. So instead, we sat around the tree and told stories for a few hours. Renee and Charlie told stories of Christmas horror from when I was a toddler that had Emmett rolling on the floor.

Phil told us a few stories of Christmas traditions in his family and I was even able to convince Emmett to tell a few of him. He told us all how Alice and Esme would often choose a room and see who could decorate their room the best. Alice often won. I knew it was probably because she could see exactly what Esme was going to do to her room and just plan for something better. That and Alice couldn't be beat in a decorating contest if she was pitted against Santa's elves.

He also told stories about how Edward and Rosalie would often have a competition of their own: who could buy the best gift. I rolled my eyes. Both Edward and Rosalie were competitors at heart and the loser probably sulked for days... months, knowing them.

At eleven o'clock, we got up from the couch and said goodnight. Charlie was going to stay in the living room with Emmett. When everyone was in bed, my cell phone rang.

I picked it up and panicked when I saw that it was Alice.

"Hello?" I said urgently but quietly.

"Bella! Hi. Everything's fine. Just stay inside tonight, kay? Tell Emmett. I just see Charlie seeing both you and Emmett gone and having a field day trying to find you. Just skip a night of hunting, you should be fine," Alice said in a sweet voice.

"Okay," I managed. I was relieved, but the panic still hadn't died yet and I could feel it churning my stomach.

We hung up and I walked quietly to the living room. Charlie was already a gonner, snoring loudly.

I told Emmett in a voice much too quiet for Charlie to hear that we were staying in tonight and he nodded at me, lying down and probably thinking about Rose as he prepared to stay and pretend to sleep for my sake.

I was beginning to feel very guilty for making Emmett do this. I was going to have to talk to him soon and let him know that he could leave if he wanted to. I couldn't imagine why in the world he would _want_ to stay in Jacksonville and put up with living with humans. I knew I would do the same for him in a heartbeat, if I had one, but it didn't make it okay for me to keep asking this of him.

I stewed over everything for the entire night, laying on my back with my eyes closed and trying to sleep, even though it wasn't about to happen. It was the first time since becoming a vampire that I had actually tried to sleep. It seemed odd that I couldn't even make my brain slow down for half a second, much less be quiet.

I thought a lot about Edward and how I was going to convince him that I loved him and wanted to be with him when I found him. My mind ran through several different scenarios of what I could do when I finally had him in my arms. What he could do with me that he couldn't have done before for fear of hurting or killing me. Like squeeze me tightly or kiss me deeply.

I wondered what he was doing in that moment. Was he thinking about me? Did he know that I was a vampire? How was he faring emotionally? I hoped with everything I had that he was at least content, wherever he was, if not happy.

I sighed and turned to my side, wondering where he was. Was he close? Was he on the other side of the globe? I wondered if he had smelled me at all during the times that I had gone with them or by myself to try to find him. If he had smelled me and still ran, what did that mean?

There were just too many questions and I squinted my eyes shut tightly before sitting up in bed. I wanted to call Alice, but I felt guilty even thinking about it when Emmett was all but stuck in the living room with nothing at all to do but lay there and think. The guilt was weighing heavy on my chest and I suddenly had the strongest urge to huddle in the corner and cry.

I heard Charlie wake up and make his way to the bathroom sometime around three o'clock. He was snoring again not five minutes after he returned to his bed.

We somehow managed to survive the night and Emmett seemed just as chipper as ever as he helped me cook a fabulous Christmas breakfast for Renee, Phil and Charlie. We used the same excuse of munching through the preparation to explain why we wouldn't eat. Renee looked at me disapprovingly.

"Bella, you should know better than that. You've got to eat something," she chided.

I rolled my eyes. "I know, mom. But really, I'm not hungry now. I promise I'll eat something later."

She seemed somewhat satisfied and I could tell neither Charlie nor Phil were interested in the conversation. They were both talking to Emmett about some game that was going to be coming on the next day.

After breakfast, we all gathered around the Christmas tree and Emmett and I got our packages out of our bags. Ours were all fairly small and we kept them on our laps as we sat on the floor, lounging against the expanse of wall between the tree and the couch.

I began by handing my presents out, giving one to Renee, Phil and Charlie. They all smiled and thanked me as the set their gift beside them and handed out their own.

Renee handed one to me and I took the box from her, smiling.

As Emmett tried to hand the first of his gifts to Renee, she made a huge fuss about how Emmett shouldn't have gotten her anything.

"I couldn't just come crash here for the holidays and _not_ get you something. Besides, Bella is like my sister now, and her family is my family," he said as he thrust the small gift toward her again.

She gave in with a sigh and handed him the one she'd gotten for him. He beamed at her and took it, distributing the other boxes to Phil and Charlie. They looked equally surprised to get something from Emmett, but they didn't say anything.

As they opened their gifts, I opened mine. I lifted the apron out of the box and read the quote written across the breast and laughed out loud.

Emmett leaned over curiously to see what it was.

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that 5 or 6 days later you're hungry again."

I turned the apron around so everyone could see what it said. Renee made a comment about how she'd seen it at some obscure store she visited one day and had to have it for me.

I thanked everyone for their gifts and they did their own thanking. After presents were open, we resumed our storytelling from the night before. Renee and Charlie had a few more stories to tell of me and Renee bugged Phil until he finally gave in to tell a particularly hilarious story about the Christmas when he was seventeen in which he honestly thought his parents were going to buy him a new car. They did, but it was a remote control one. He had been pissed.

Because of the large breakfast Emmett and I had made and the large dinner we were going to make, no one really wanted to eat lunch. Emmett and I decided it would probably be best to spend our day in the kitchen to make sure that everything was prepared at a decent time.

Renee offered to help but I smiled and pointed at my new apron that I had on.

"Chef in the making, remember?" I said jokingly. "We got it mom. Thank you for the offer, though." I hugged her and told her to go enjoy her time with Phil and Charlie.

I wondered fleetingly how awkward it was for her and Charlie. Charlie especially. I figured they would get over it.

If Emmett was annoyed with me yet for making him go through this, he wasn't showing it. He was all smiles and jokes, as usual, as we cooked. We got into a mini food fight when I accidentally moved too quickly while stirring some filling for our banana cream pie and a little bit of it splashed up on Emmett's shirt. Even as a vampire, I had my clumsy moments. To retaliate, he dipped his forefinger into the filling and flicked it at me. Of course I wasn't going to let that lie. The first time had been an accident. I picked up the fork I had been stirring with and tapped it on the rim to get most of the filling off before flinging a good-sized glob at him.

Needless to say, I had to start over with the pie. I put it in the fridge, still giggling.

Dinner finally cooked, we set everything out on the table. Renee said the prayer and I felt guilty again because I didn't know if Emmett was like Edward and believed that he had no soul. How uncomfortable was he now, sitting through a prayer. How uncomfortable would Edward have been?

He didn't look uncomfortable as he sat and bowed his head with his eyes closed. When the prayer was over, he was all smiles as he helped carve the roast we'd made.

After having survived another dinner and feeling rather sick to my stomach, I decided I needed to do something I hadn't ever though I'd have to do again as a vampire. I wondered if I even could. The ache was much worse than it had been the time before. Of course, we had eaten quite a bit more than the time before. I called Alice to make sure that going out tonight was going to be okay.

Having the green light to leave the house tonight, I grabbed Emmett and we left the house.

"Emmett?" I asked, not even sure I wanted to ask this question, but feeling more overstuffed and uncomfortable by the moment.

"Yeah?" he said, looking at me curiously.

"Um, I have a question." I looked down, embarrassed.

"What is it?" He came over and draped his arm around my shoulders.

"How do we... digest... absorb... whatever... human food?" I asked. I put my hand on my stomach and grunted as I felt something that might have digestion. I wasn't sure.

He laughed at me. "If it's a little bit, your body just kind of absorbs it like the blood we usually eat. You _can_ absorb a lot, but it's... Yeah, it's uncomfortable. Come with me, I'll show you how to get rid of it."

I wanted to be disgusted by the thought of what I was about to do... with Emmett... but I just couldn't care anymore as the disagreeable feeling got worse by the second.

As much as I hated to say it, it was a bonding experience between Emmett and I. Vomiting in the bushes together like drunk teenagers after a night of heavy partying.

Once the Christmas dinner was out of my system, I was ready for some serious hunting. Emmett and I ran a ways out of town and managed to find a few deer. It was much more satisfying.

On our way back, I decided it was a good time to talk to Emmett about my guilt.

"Emmett," I started as we entered Jacksonville again.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. Very sorry about all of this. And thank you for putting yourself through all of this for me. I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to stay here if you don't want to. You can go back to Pennsylvania and be with Rose and the rest of the family." I was going to say more but he cut me off.

"Bella, come on," he said, smiling at me. "I wouldn't bail out on my sister. Besides, I don't mind doing this for you and I'm having fun with Charlie and Phil. I know that having at least this is important to you. And I know you'd do the same for me," he said, winking. I nodded my head vehemently. "We'll be leaving again in a week and you're too young yet to really understand how quickly a week goes by. You've only experienced about 132 of them as a vampire. Time really loses meaning as a vampire. I know you're kind of grasping that, but it takes at least a century or two to really understand it." He draped an arm around my shoulders again and hugged me to him tightly.

The sun was just beginning to come up when we entered the house, every human still sound asleep. Emmett cozied himself into his makeshift bed on the couch and I made may way to the guest bedroom to wait for my family to wake up.

Charlie was leaving to back to Washington today and I almost had to fake a deadly illness to convince Renee that I wasn't up to going to the airport with them. I did fake a stomach ache. I was terrified every single day that I was going to get too close to the window or somehow in the path of direct sunlight and give myself away. I briefly wondered if they would believe that it was glitter residue from some school project a few years ago. Glitter had a way of doing that, right? I had once heard it said that glitter was the herpes of craft supplies.

Amazingly, Charlie didn't push the issue. He said that he understood if I wasn't feeling well and wanted to stay in. I couldn't help but wonder how much he really understood. The look in his eyes told me that he understood much more than he was letting on.

I hugged him to me as tightly as I dared, knowing that I probably wouldn't see him again after this. I wasn't going to put myself or my family (either one) through this again. Ever. I was in debt to Emmett up to my eyeballs for the rest of eternity for this anyway. I would just have to figure out a way to either tell my parents I wasn't coming back or just disappear. I preferred the latter much more than facing the hurt questions that would certainly ensue with the former.

I kept up the ruse of my stomach ache through the day to avoid Renee's insistence that we go for a walk. Instead, we spent some time in the guest bedroom talking while Phil and Emmett spent some time watching On Demand games until the big game this evening.

Renee and I talked about a lot of things that day, mostly about how school was going and what Italy was like. Thankfully, I had actually visited the school and Italy once so I could accurately describe the setting. She was disappointed when I told her that I didn't have any pictures, and I had to fight with my inner daughter to keep from promising her that I would take some and send them to her.

We had a small dinner that night of leftovers. I used the artifice of my stomach ache once again to get out of eating a lot. Emmett joked, saying he was still full from dinner the night before and commenting on the quote from my apron.

I sighed in relief as Renee and Phil fell asleep that night. Neither Emmett or I were thirsty tonight, so we had another bonding experience in the bushes and spent the night amusing each other with jokes and stories about each other.

~*~^~*~

I had hoped that the week would pass quickly, but it failed. For me, anyway. Each day was a new battle of wills between Renee and I but somehow I managed to always be just convincing enough to let her drop the subject of me going outside. I had always thought she was laid back, but I was discovering a new stubborn streak I'd either never encountered before or never noticed before. Now I see that it came from both sides of my family.

We had gone for her much requested walk, but it was the night after Charlie left, when it was good and dark outside.

It was New Year's Eve now and Emmett and I would be leaving the next night. Our flight was leaving at midnight, giving us plenty of time to travel in the dark.

After dinner, we watched "Happy New Year, Charlie Brown," one of Renee's favorite New Year's movie. At around eleven o'clock, we were going to go down to the New Year's Eve party at Friendship park. Fireworks were going to start at midnight.

The movie was cute, but of course I had seen it before in my human life. I'm pretty sure Emmett had seen it too, but he suffered through it. It was entertaining at least.

Eleven o'clock finally rolled around and we left to go to the party. There were a lot more people here than I had first thought, and the smell of all of their blood the sound of their heartbeats made my throat burn. I had been able to keep my thirst under control with my family, but I wasn't so sure if I was going to be able to control myself here. I glanced at Emmett and he seemed to understand my concern. He draped his arm around my shoulders in a brotherly show of affection and we walked with Renee and Phil to a slightly less crowded area of the park to spread out a blanket.

Emmett and had been careful to make sure that I went hunting at least every other day because our food source was small and he wanted to make sure my thirst was as satiated as possible for this event. Regardless, the smell of so many humans crammed into this space was almost overwhelming. I grasped Emmett's hand maybe a little harder than I needed to as I held my breath for a moment.

Renee and Phil got up to go mingle.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Renee asked me.

"I'm sure, mom. Maybe in a bit; I'm just gonna relax and enjoy the fountain for a minute," I said, looking up at her. She smiled and nodded and left with Phil.

I was glad that Emmett had been making so many sister comments about me, otherwise I was sure Renee or Phil or both would assume something was going on between us. I took a deep breath and held it as I leaned back on the blanket to lay on my back. Emmett lay down next to me and I could see that he was breathing, probably without concern for the smell.

"How do you do it, Emmett? Doesn't the smell bother you?" I whispered quickly. As hard as I had worked to withstand the smell of human blood, I hadn't ever been in this situation before. I had been around people, but never around so many people in such a small area.

He nodded his head ever so slightly. "A bit. But don't worry, Bella. Over time you'll be able to resist it easily." He took my hand and held it tightly for a moment.

I nodded my head and pretended to be relaxed as I waited for the hour to pass.

About fifteen minutes later, I heard a man cry out as he was pushed down to the ground. Unfortunately for him, someone had left a glass bottle and his arm smashed it. It wasn't too far from us and as soon as the glass cut into his arm and the blood began to ooze from the wound, the burn in my throat amplified to a new level and all I wanted was to taste it.

Emmett's arm was suddenly around my shoulders as he forced me to stand up and walk away from the area with him. I struggled against him, but he was stronger.

"Bella!" Emmett whispered forcefully. "Bella, look at me!"

I didn't want to. I wanted the blood. I pushed against his chest, but he grabbed the sides of my face and forced me to look at him.

"Calm down. Hold your breath," he said as he fixed his eyes on mine.

I held my breath and the smell was gone, but I still wanted it. He had turned us so my back was to the crowd. I couldn't see nor smell them, but I could hear them. Quite a few people were asking about his injury, if the blood had stopped flowing yet. If I focused enough on the sound, I could almost hear the blood as it dripped on the ground.

"Bella!" Emmett said again, gaining my attention. I looked into his eyes for a moment and realized that he was right. As much as I wanted the blood, I wanted to remain a vegetarian. I hadn't had human blood in almost a year and half, I didn't want to backtrack now.

I nodded slowly and he loosened his grip on my face to pull me into a tight hug.

"Bella?" I heard my mom's voice and footsteps as she came looking me.

I looked at Emmett, a little scared of the situation, but of course he knew how to fix it. He took a deep breath and held me tightly to his side.

"Try to look a little faint," he whispered as he all but dragged me back to the party.

It probably wasn't very convincing, but I did my best to do as Emmett asked. When I was in doubt of my facial expression, I hid it in Emmett's shirt.

I heard Renee's sigh of relief as she saw us coming back to the crowd. Then her heart rate picked up and I assumed she was probably worried.

"Is she okay?" Renee asked.

"Yeah. She's okay. She just got a bit dizzy and lightheaded when that guy cut his arm," Emmett explained.

I felt Renee's hand on my hair. "Yeah, she always had a hard time at the sight of blood. Poor baby. Are you okay, hun?" she asked me.

I nodded my head, keeping my face hidden. I could still smell the blood, although it was less potent now that the man had been taken to the ER for his wound. I was just smelling the residue.

"Do you need to go back home?" Renee asked.

I felt bad that this incident would probably ruin the last New Year's party Renee would have with me, but I just couldn't take the chance that someone else could cut themselves. Emmett might not be able to stop me next time and I had no idea who I'd go after then. I looked up at Emmett and he seemed to share my thoughts as I saw him nod his head infinitesimally.

"I think so," I said, trying to grate my voice like it would have been if I had been human. "I'm so sorry, mom."

"Oh, baby. It's okay." She continued stroking my hair. "We'll just watch the fireworks on the TV or something. It's okay," she said again.

I still felt bad.

We got back into the car and went back to the house to watch the fireworks on the TV and ring in the new year inside.

The next day was a little difficult since Renee didn't want me to go back to Italy. I was a little sad to say goodbye, but I knew it was time. I'd had my fun as a human, and now it was time to stop pretending that I could have both my families. I had made my choice and I didn't regret it one bit. As much as I loved Renee, Phil and Charlie, it was time to let them go.

I spent as much time with Renee as possible that day and she helped me pack up my bags. I think she might have noticed the air of finality in the air as well, because she kept telling me to be safe and call her often. I promised that I would be safe, but I couldn't promise to call. I told her I'd try.

At eleven thirty, Renee took Emmett and I to the airport. Emmett was all hugs and smiles as he pretended to be excited to go back to the culinary institute.

I gave Renee one final hug goodbye and kissed her cheek before Emmett and I boarded the plane.

* * *

So what did you think? Any thoughts or ideas on how Edward will show up in the next chapter? I love hearing what you think!


	10. Chapter 9

One quick note before we start this chapter.... Keep in mind that Edward is... well, he's a stubborn ass. Although a big part of him knows that his family would not lie to him, the melodramatic, brooding side of him wants to be left alone if he can't have Bella. And being the stubborn ass that he is, he is not going to listen to reason or logic. He will make a brief appearance in this chapter, but it's not the end. Unfortunately, as Emmett will say, he needs to be smacked over the head a few times. But don't worry! We're getting much closer to the resolution!

Sadly, I still don't own anything :(

* * *

Haunted Memories

Chapter 9

I rested my head against the wall behind the couch as I pretended to wait patiently for Alice's verdict. Jasper kept eyeing me suspiciously and I knew it was fairly useless to try to disguise my myriad of emotions, but I tried to look calm anyway. I'm sure my fidgeting alerted the rest of my family to my anxiousness.

Alice was concentrating, two fingers pressed against her temples with her eyes closed, attempting to locate Edward. She had tried to locate him shortly after Christmas, but he'd been running with no destination. It was now February and we were ready to try again.

With every furrow of her eyebrow or twitch of her lips, I'd get excited or nervous, depending on how deep her furrow or whether the corners of her lips turned up or down. Emmett and Rose were out hunting, but Carlisle and Esme were here with us, and I could see at least Esme seemed as anxious as I felt. They were sitting on the other couch next to each other and he had his arm around her shoulders while she rested her head on his chest. Every movement Alice made had her lifting her head expectantly. Carlisle was reading a book, although I could see his eyes dart to Alice every few minutes.

I closed my eyes and really tried to calm down. I didn't want to get my hopes up every time a ghost of a smile flitted across Alice's lips, but it was useless to try not to. Instead, I decided to not look at her. Think of something else.

After what felt like an eternity - it was probably only a few seconds - I heard Alice's finger tap the map she was looking at. Her breath was coming excitedly. This was it... she found him.

I leapt off the couch and was at her side in less than a fraction of a second.

"Chile?" I asked. Somehow I just couldn't picture Edward in Chile with all the sunshine.

Alice nodded and kissed Jasper.

When Rosalie and Emmett came back, we met in the living room of the cottage to discuss our next plan of attack.

Edward was headed to Tortel, a little town in the southern region of Chile. According to Alice's vision, Edward had decided he was going to stay for a while. That could, of course, change at any moment, but I didn't care. I'm sure no one else cared either.

Alice and I were going together this time in hopes that, if he ran, she would be able to catch a glimpse of any destination he had in mind. It may have been useless, but it was all we had at the moment. He was going to arrive in Tortel within the next seven hours and we would get there shortly after. We were just going on foot, not bothering with the airlines or cars. It would be much faster running anyway.

Alice and I arrived in Chile an hour after the sun set. I was excited, but I was also trying not to get my hopes up.

"Do you think we will get him this time?" I asked, looking at her expectantly.

She sighed and looked at me as we walked down the dark road toward Tortel. "You know I don't know that. If he doesn't hear us coming, probably. I just don't know, Bella," she said sadly.

"I know. I miss him," I said, looking down.

"We all do, sweetie," she put her hand in mine and we began running.

We stopped about ten miles outside of Tortel to hopefully prevent Edward from hearing Alice's thoughts. She figured this would have a better chance of working.

"If this doesn't work, then next time everyone has to come so we can surround him," I said.

Alice laughed. "That wouldn't work. Well, it might work if you were the one he saw. Otherwise, he's just too fast for the rest of us. And, in some ways, more stubborn and obstinate than even Rosalie. He'd find a way around us even if we got the Denali clan involved."

I thought about that; getting the Denali clan involved might help. They could help surround him in an even tighter circle and...

"Bella, no. They're our friends and all, but they would not help track Edward if they know he doesn't want to be found. They respect us, and Edward, enough to leave him to his privacy," Alice said.

I sighed and pulled the little cell phone out of my pocket.

"He's hunting now and will probably begin heading this way shortly. I'm going to move back a few miles so he doesn't hear me. Just keep going straight, you should be fine," she said as she hugged me quickly and took off.

I took a deep, calming breath and began moving in the direction Alice had showed me. I was nervous. What if he saw me and told me to leave him alone? What if he didn't want me? The rational side of me scoffed and told me that was just a crazy fear.

I used my senses to guide me, listening intently for footsteps or some other noise that would signal a body moving through the trees. I swept my gaze all around me, searching with intense scrutiny for his familiar bronze hair or something that would signify he was near. I smelled the air around me, hoping to find some small trace of his scent. I moved slowly – for a vampire – hoping the speed would help me to not miss something.

And then I saw him.

Well, I saw the streak of him as he moved quickly through the town. He was at least three miles away, but these eyes did not lie to me anymore. The copper hair and pale skin that was just as luminescent and perfect as the rest of his family gave him away and if my heart still beat, it would be pounding out of my chest right now. I moved a little faster in his direction, hoping that he would see me and stop running.

I kept my senses peaked and heard the whisper of his feet on the ground as he ran in the opposite direction of me, chasing the thud of a guanaco's hooves against the ground. I sped up, moving as fast as I could toward him.

He must have heard me approaching, because he turned around with a sneer on his face and instantly stopped in his tracks. I stopped running as well, afraid that his instincts would cause him to attack me for interrupting his hunt. We were still four hundred yards apart and the hope in my chest swelled to an almost incapacitating need to touch him. I gazed at him, knowing that he had seen me and I could have him back now. When my eyes met his, I almost dropped to my knees.

The disbelieving and angry look on his face told me that he either didn't know who I was or didn't believe it was me. I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, a loud growl came from him and he bolted in the opposite direction, running away from me.

I stared in the direction he went for a long moment, not sure if I wanted to believe that it actually happened.

I heard and smelled Alice approaching and I sunk to the ground.

"Bella!" she cried.

I didn't bother to look up. The devastation and humiliation coursing through me was ripping me apart. My worst fear had just been realized and I pulled my knees up, hugging them to my chest.

"What happened?" she asked.

I couldn't speak. Instead, I nodded my head in the direction that he left.

"Well, I know he ran off. I saw that, but why? Didn't he see you?" she asked.

He had stared at me for a whole two seconds before running. I just nodded my head as a single sob escaped.

Alice gazed in the direction that he had gone for a few moments before turning back to me. I sorely wished that Jasper had come with us this time so he could tell me what Edward was feeling.

"Come on, Bella. Let's get home. There's no destination in his future right now. We'll look again in a few months."

I stood up and despondently followed her back to our home in Pennsylvania.

When we got back, we called everyone into the meeting. Alice had already called to let them know what happened and I think Jasper must have felt me coming from a few miles away. He didn't try to stay away from me, but I could see the slight grimace on his face and I tried hard to push at least a little of the despair aside for him. As usual, it didn't work.

Emmett tried to cheer me up with his crazy antics, but even he couldn't make me smile. I was doomed.

I rolled my eyes at myself and sat down on the couch, expecting everyone to decide that we would go about our usual lifestyle for a few months before checking into Edward again.

"You're sure he saw you, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," I said, nodding my head.

"I really don't think that he would have run off if he believed it was her. There must have been something going on; maybe he thought he was hallucinating, I don't know," Jasper said, rubbing the back of his neck. Alice nodded in agreement.

"I don't think he thought it was her," she said.

"But he saw me. Who else would I be?" I asked.

No one had any answers for that one. We were silent for a moment before Emmett spoke up.

"I think, maybe, we should give him a bit more space this time," he said. "Edward has always been… pigheaded and stubborn. I doubt he'd give in. He probably needs to be smacked over the head multiple times before it gets through."

"How much time are you thinking, Emmett," Carlisle asked.

I was suddenly afraid. Alice came and sat next to me, putting her hand on my shoulder. I'm not sure if it was a way to comfort me or if she saw me overreacting to their suggestion.

Emmett shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure. A few years, maybe?"

Alice's hand restrained me from jumping out of my seat.

"A few years?!" I demanded angrily. "How many years? I know I'm not the only one in this family who misses him and wants him back!"

"Of course you're not, Bella," Alice said softly, probably trying to soothe me. Jasper's calm came over me and I tried to retain any semblance of the anger so I could keep ranting. Jasper's face was apologetic and serious at the same time. He probably didn't want me attacking Alice. There was no fighting his calm and I found myself listening objectively to the rest of the conversation, unwilling to comment if I couldn't do it irately.

"I think Emmett's got something here," Jasper said, beginning to pace the room. "Edward will probably get fed up at some point if we continue this and do something stupid. We want to avoid that. If we give him a few years to calm down, he will be more likely to stop running and listen to one of us."

"I agree," Rosalie piped in.

"I do, too. So who here is in agreement to give him a few years?" Carlisle asked.

Everyone but me agreed. Thank god Jasper didn't make me like that idea. Because I probably would have had to hurt him later, and I didn't want to do that.

"Okay," Carlisle began, "We have decided to give Edward a few years' space before we begin looking for him again. In the meantime, we should go somewhere where we can start over. Once you go through another round of high school, we can look again. Does everyone like that plan?"

_No!_

Everyone nodded their heads, mumbling their acceptance. Jasper's calm hadn't lifted one inch, but I could still think about my rebellion.

"I want to go back to Alaska," Rosalie said. "It was better there – less hiding."

Alice, Jasper and Esme agreed.

"I would prefer it not be with Tanya's clan, though," Emmett said. Rosalie gave him a dark look. "What? I know you don't like the way the girls there look at me and I'd rather just avoid that whole catfight before it begins."

"Okay, so we want Alaska but no Tanya. I propose we go back to Barrow," Carlisle suggested.

"I liked it there," Rosalie said. "We haven't been there since I had Emmett, and I think he'd really like it." She looked at him with affection.

Everyone else agreed. Barrow it is.

"We'll leave tomorrow and get everything set up," Carlisle said.

The meeting was finally over and Jasper's calm was taken away. My own anger and confusion hit me hard and I stood up. Without a word to anyone, I walked out of the house.

I kept to the trees, of course, wishing I had something that I could take my anger out on. The only thing I saw was trees. Suddenly it felt like a great target. I pulled my fist back and hit the tree in front of me. I'm not entirely sure what I had expected, but I was rather surprised when it began to split where I hit it and broke, toppling over and crashing into the other trees.

As it went down, I began to panic. My eyes widened and I put my hands over my mouth. I had not intended to bring it down; I just needed something to vent a bit. I really hoped nothing important was in the way of the tree. I began walking the line that the tree fell, searching for any bodies or crushed houses.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I reached the top of the tree with no sign of property or bodily damage. I was kind of disappointed because my panic over the tree thing washed away my anger and I was just left with despair. I sat on the tree and rested my arms on my knees, wishing I could cry again. I didn't realize that it was such a release. I sobbed tearlessly, putting my face in my hands and wishing I could take it all back. Everything. I wished I would have stayed with my mother and Phil and never met Edward or any of the Cullens.

"You don't really wish that, do you?" I heard Jasper say.

I hadn't realized I'd said it out loud.

"I'm sorry, by the way," he said quietly as he took a seat next to me.

It took me a moment to realize that he was talking about forcing my serenity during the meeting. I shrugged my shoulders. His hand patted my back a few times before he drew back and stood up again.

"Do you really wish you hadn't met any of us?" he asked again.

"No, Jasper," I said weakly. "I don't wish that. I just wish that this," I gestured around me, "didn't have to happen." I looked around. "Didn't anyone come with you?"

"No, we decided I would talk to you to try to calm you down naturally. Do you regret your decision to change?" he asked curiously.

"I don't regret it. It's just… when I saw him in Chile I was so sure that this was over. I don't even know what I was expecting, but I know it wasn't that he would run off," I stood up and began pacing in front of Jasper, who just stood there watching me. "Maybe that he would see me and stop. He was supposed to stop running and talk to me or something. Not run."

Jasper didn't try to stop me as I continued my rant.

"What does it mean that he did run? Does it mean he doesn't want me anymore?" I looked at Jasper pleadingly, begging him to have an answer.

Jasper lifted his shoulders. "I don't know, Bella. I like to think that Alice is right and he didn't think that you were really you."

"That's ridiculous!" I scoffed as I threw my hands in the air. "How could he not know who I was?"

Jasper sighed and went to the newly fallen tree again and grabbed my shoulders, making me sit down beside him.

"Bella, how long has it been since he last saw you?" he asked.

"Are you going to try to tell me that he doesn't remember what I look like?" I asked dully.

He laughed out loud and shook his head. "Of course not. You know as well as everyone else that the vampire brain doesn't forget things. I still remember things that happened in the late 1800's. Everything. There's no doubt in my mind that he remembers what you looked like… as a human."

"I don't look _that _different, do I?" I asked.

"Well, no, but you're missing my point. Edward does not know that you are a vampire. He probably thinks that after his little charade he pulled on you, that you would put as much distance as possible between yourself and the vampires. I would bet he'd have the vampire equivalent of a heart attack if he knew what you've done."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Didn't you ever talk to him about getting yourself changed?"

"I think, maybe, once. But he blew it off and neither one of us brought it up again."

"Okay, so you didn't know how badly Edward would have disagreed with the option to change you," he mused as he looked around the forest.

"He didn't want me to be changed? You mean, before the day he left?" I clarified.

"He was adamantly against it. Emmett, Alice and I pushed him to change you, but he refused wholeheartedly. He said over and over again how you would remain human, if it killed him."

I thought about what Jasper said.

"So Edward really doesn't want me…" I whispered.

"Oh, Bella. Don't be like that. I'm certain that he wants you and loves you just as much as ever. Did he ever explain to you his beliefs about vampires? That he believes we have no souls?" he asked.

I wasn't sure what he was getting at, but I nodded my head. I remembered we had discussed it a few times and I had been sure I made some headway in changing those beliefs of his.

"Imagine that your positions were different; you are the vampire and he is the human. Would you risk his soul to have him forever?" he asked.

Would I? I asked myself. Jasper gave me a moment to mull it over. I would risk my own soul without question or hesitation, but Edward's? I couldn't make that decision; either way seemed like the wrong way to go.

"Exactly," Jasper said. "He wouldn't make the decision because either way he chose felt like the wrong one. Either way, he was hurting you. In the end, I think he decided it was far too selfish of him to subject you to eternal damnation for his own happiness."

I nodded. Would I have made the same choice? Now that I was a vampire, I had a bit more perspective on my beliefs about a soul. I was fairly sure that I still had mine, but how could anyone really know for sure? I felt remorse, love, anger, despair… surely I had one.

"Back to the topic at hand, I really don't think Edward believes that you would change yourself to be with him after what he did to you. In that respect, I can understand why he wouldn't believe what he saw," he said, looking at me.

I sighed, not wanting to admit that Jasper really had a point there. Maybe it was like beating a dog; after so many times, the dog is going to cower or attack. You don't expect the dog to hand you a bat and ask you to take a swing. I cringed at the thought.

I looked up at Jasper, who was just waiting patiently for me to come to this realization. He smiled at me and I gave a resigned smile back. We both stood up in silence and made our way back to the cottage.

* * *

Please don't hate me? I promise that you do not have to wait another few years of Bella's life before they find him. The next chapter will have some resolution and we will find out how Bella and the family is going to finally catch him!


	11. Chapter 10

Author's Note - Thank you so much to those of you who review, and those of you who just add me to your favorite story/story alert lists. I know you're at least reading it, right? LOL.

Of course, it's still not mine.

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 10

We left for Barrow the night after my insightful conversation with Jasper and reached it a day later. It wasn't hard for Carlisle to squeeze himself into the local hospital. I was pretty sure any hospital in the world would give their ICU and ER to have him. Esme established herself as the decorator she is and they both got all of us 'kids' enrolled in school.

Today was our first day of school and for some reason, I was nervous. We arranged our schedules so that either Alice or Jasper was in class with me. Unfortunately, Rosalie and Emmett couldn't pass for freshmen and they had to be in the grade ahead of us, which meant no sharing classes.

We had kept the cars and everything else the Cullens had from Forks and I tried desperately to keep from having to ride in the Volvo, but it was useless. It truly was the least ostentatious vehicle the Cullens owned, unless they wanted to count my truck. It was still in Forks with Charlie, so obviously out of the questions. Being the least spectacular car that we owned, it was the one that we had to use to drive to school. I kept my complaints to myself, even though there was no hiding them from Jasper.

None of us could read minds, but it was plenty obvious that the entire school was just as excited about our arrival as anyone could be. I could hear the whispers and comments as we pulled into the school parking lot.

"I heard that they were all adopted, but all together; like a big orgy or something," one of them said. Obviously a guy. Alice, Rose and I rolled our eyes while the guys chuckled. Of course.

"Did you hear about the new kids? They're starting today. I wonder if they're really as hot as everyone says," another one said. We had been seen in town and of course Carlisle had been seen at the hospital.

Emmett parked the car and we all filed out, going to the office to check in and get our passes.

I was a little nervous about today. I've had first days of school before, but aside from Christmas with Renee, I hadn't been in a human environment for long periods of time since I became a vampire. Certainly no more than three or four hours.

Once we had our passes, we all went to our respective classes. I had English with Alice, then went to US History with Jasper. Truthfully, I was glad I had that class with Jasper. He had lived it; I was sure to ace the class with his help. Acing US History was something I'd never been able to do as a human.

I could tell right away that I was going to hate Mr. Thompson, the English teacher. Alice and I joked that he sounded just like the Economics teacher from Ferris Beuller's Day Off.

Throughout the day, I noticed that people were staring at us quite a bit. I knew what it was like, though, from being the new kid in Forks. The staring would eventually die down, but the gossip would probably continue for the next year or so.

By lunch, just about everyone knew that I was the single one. And that meant that just about every hormone-driven teenager had to make a move on me. Thankfully, it was easy enough to avoid being touched with my 'brothers' Emmett and Jasper giving everyone the evil eye.

I had gym right after lunch and I was thankful I had it with Alice. She helped me keep myself in check when it came to the physical activities. Although I wasn't nearly as clumsy and I could actually concentrate on more than one thing at a time, I still had to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. Like hit the ball too hard or run too fast.

After the first week of school, the guys stopped trying to hit on me. I had tried to be nice when I turned them down, but after the nineteenth person asked me to go out with them, I lost it. I made it very clear that although I was single, I was not interested. Now everyone left us alone. We had been labeled the new freaks, and somehow that didn't bother me.

"Is it always like this when you go somewhere new?" I asked Alice on the way home on Friday.

Rosalie decided to answer for her. "Oh, yeah. Always. You get people hitting on you and asking you out for the first week or two, then you become the psycho-freak bitch. It's great fun," she said as she rolled her eyes.

I laughed. Rosalie could definitely pass as a psycho-freak bitch.

"It was probably a little easier for you; being the youngest and all. I mean, Edward was usually the one who was the odd man out and nobody really tried to keep the girls away from him. But with you, you're the baby sister, so of course Emmett and Jasper are going to be protective and threaten life and limb to anyone who touches you or looks at you the wrong way or even breathes halitosis your way," Rose continued, shrugging her shoulders.

I laughed out loud. "Halitosis?" I said mockingly.

"Yes. You know, bad breath," Emmett said, still laughing.

"I know what it means, but why would I need to be protected from halitosis?" I asked.

"Come on, little sis," Emmett said as he drove, "We'd protect you from anything. Even when you don't need it. That's what big brothers are for; didn't you know that?" he said with a huge grin.

Jasper reached over and ruffled my hair.

I ducked away from him and smoothed my hair back down, laughing.

~*~^~*~

The next few weeks passed quickly enough. It was getting easier to ignore everyone. I mostly just followed the examples that Rosalie and Alice gave me. Just don't talk to anyone and keep to myself. I was good at that. I had that mastered even as a human.

Eventually, we just became part of the school. Teachers called on us and we answered correctly. We did group assignments and only socialized as much as was absolutely necessary.

Somehow I was a little afraid that I would meet someone who would smell better than anyone else, the way Edward had smelled me, but it never happened.

It was a little hard for me, being near so many humans, but having my family around helped a great deal. Although they all knew how I felt, Jasper was the one who knew my situation. He had been the weaker one in Forks; the newest vegetarian.

But life went on. We did our assignments and turned them; acing every single test given to us. Having a photographic memory really helped.

The first week in June proved to be a strange one. The school was buzzing with excitement about the school year being nearly done. This was the last week. On Monday, I got asked twice to go to some party or dance or something on Friday that I was sure Freshman weren't allowed to, even though nobody had talked to me in over two months. I turned them down, of course.

On Wednesday, I sat at my desk in English, next to Alice, and knew that if I could sleep, I would be sawing logs. Lucky for the teacher, I couldn't lose consciousness and had to suffer through the hour-long lecture.

I peeked over at her and she had her face turned toward her desk with her eyes closed tightly. She was rubbing her temples with two fingers and she looked almost like she was in pain.

"Alice?" I whispered, too low to interrupt the insipid lecture.

She didn't look at me. Her fingers stopped their massaging motion and she stiffened. I heard her faint whisper, "He's gone."

For a moment, I thought about panicking, but at that second, the door opened and Jasper came in.

Everyone looked over at him, except the teacher. He continued to drone on about revolutionary literature.

Jasper waited impatiently for the teacher to respond, shifting from one foot to the other. He glanced at Alice and back to the teacher before clearing his throat.

I glanced at Alice as well. She was still in the same position, looking down at her desk. This time I did begin to panic; she must have seen something and he felt her distress.

Mr. Thompson finally responded, turning toward Jasper.

"Can I help you, young man?" he asked.

I tried to hold back my smile. Jasper hated being called 'young man.' He took it in stride and stood up straight.

"Yes, I need to get Alice and Bella. We have a family emergency," he said confidently and handed a paper to Mr. Thompson.

Mr. Thompson took the note and inspected it closely for two seconds too long. Jasper was obviously getting anxious, probably trying to deal with whatever it was Alice was feeling and my terror in addition to his own distress. He snatched the note back and strode toward Alice, motioning with a jerk of his head for me to go into the hallway. I grabbed my bag and stood up slowly, watching as he grabbed Alice's arms and made her stand up. The look on her face was panic as he led her out of the room. As the door closed, I heard Mr. Thompson resume the lecture.

We met Emmett and Rosalie outside the school as we climbed into the Volvo.

"What is going on?" Rosalie asked.

"I don't know. She's seen something, but she won't tell me. She just keeps saying 'he's gone,'" Jasper said. I saw her shake her head slightly against his shoulder as he held her in the back seat. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back as Emmett sped to the house. Jasper had already called Carlisle to let him know he needed to get back to the house.

We skidded into the driveway and piled out. We were in the house in less than a second, Jasper setting Alice down on the couch. He sat next to her and held her close.

"What do you mean 'he's gone,' Alice? Who is gone?" he asked.

She gripped his shirt so hard that her fingers ripped a hole in it. "Edward," she said.

The room was suddenly way too crowded and I pushed myself to get closer to her. "Edward is gone? What do you mean?" I demanded.

"I don't know! I can't see him anymore! He's gone," she yelled as she closed her eyes tightly. "One moment he's in West Coast, New Zealand and the next he's gone."

"Alice, I thought we weren't going to look for him for a few years," Carlisle said.

"Well, I wasn't planning on going after him or anything, but if you expected me to leave it all the way alone, you were wrong," she said, defending herself.

"Okay, so what do we do now? What if something happened to him?" I asked. "What if... I don't know, what if he hurt himself somehow?"

"Bella, how is Edward going to hurt himself?" Emmett asked.

"I don't know, but if he's gone then obviously something happened!" I countered.

"Calm down, everyone, please," Carlisle said, holding up his right hand. "I do agree that if he is gone from Alice's vision, something _may_ have happened."

"We have to go find him," I said. I was determined. I would go by myself if I had to. I knew the region he was in, I would scour it from top to bottom if I needed to.

"Bella, we have to decide how best to proceed first. We don't have all of the information." Esme became the Voice of Reason that I desperately wanted to ignore, but I knew she had a point.

"Well, what do you know, Alice?" I asked, regretting my tone immediately.

Jasper came to her defense. "She may not know any more than that, Bella. Please calm down before I make you."

Somehow his threat broke through my distress and made me laugh. He sounded like a bully, threatening to 'make me' to do something I didn't want to do. The reality, of course, being that he really could make me clam down, no violence involved.

I took a deep breath and knelt down next to Alice. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm just a bit on edge. I'm sure everyone is."

I saw Carlisle nod his head out of the corner of my eye.

"Okay, so what do we know?" I asked calmly.

Alice sat up a bit straighter. "I saw him go there about a month ago. In Te Namu. He's stayed there for the last month. He was in some kind of clearing in the woods and it looked like he was in pain. And then he disappeared and all I have is black."

I tried to quell the panic rising steadily in my chest, but it refused to cooperate.

"What can we do?" Rosalie asked.

Carlisle sighed. "I think it would be best if we at least go to make sure he is okay. If he's in trouble, he may need some help."

I nodded my head in agreement, too panicked to speak.

"We'll take a flight this time; it will be easier in the long run. We won't have to swim," Carlisle said as he walked into his office to get the documents we would need.

An hour later, we were at the airport with Carlisle dazzling the woman behind the counter into finding seven available seats on a full flight to New Zealand that was leaving in just three hours. We ended up sitting in separate seats, but I didn't care. As long as we were going and would be there soon.

We had to wait another three hours and I considered just leaving. I decided against it; I really _should_ stay with my family. We were in this together. I was so nervous, wondering what could possibly have happened to cause him to drop out of Alice's visions completely. I wondered briefly if he just found a way to keep his future from being seen. Maybe some kind of force field or something.

I wanted to laugh at myself.

We waited at the airport for the flight and somehow Emmett got into a story of Christmas. He was telling everyone about our bonding experience in the bushes. I know he'd told it before, but Jasper couldn't seem to get over it. He thought it was hilarious.

Our flight was finally called and I tried to keep my speed fairly human as I got up to sprint to the gate. Emmett's hand on my shoulder restrained me.

"Slow down there, Speedy," he said quietly. I took a breath and slowed down, staying with my family as we boarded the plane and found our seats.

I was seated in the aisle next to a punk rocker who appeared to be about twenty, give or take. He was dressed from head to toe in black leather and a green Mohawk on his head. We regarded each other for a few seconds before he looked out the window and I looked over at Jasper, purposely trying to project my humor at him. I saw him smile and shake his head slightly.

Throughout the flight, Mohawk didn't try to talk to me once. Not that I wanted him to. He had his headphones in and I recognized Cradle of Filth blaring into his ears. I kept my chuckle to myself.

Throughout the flight, I peeked out the window several times. It never ceased to amaze me how clearly I could see the ground from this height. Of course things were very small, but if I focused hard enough, I could see the people as they milled about.

I relaxed against the seat and tried to relax a little. We had a whole 14 hours to go before we would make it to New Zealand. I envied Mohawk when he pulled out some sleeping pill and cozied up to his little carry-on pillow and closed his eyes. _Damn you_.

I texted Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie on my phone for a few hours and had a great conversation with them about the different wildlife available in New Zealand. Apparently the deer there were supposed to taste better than the deer elsewhere in the world. I doubted it. Deer were deer. Personally I was excited to try the penguins, no matter how much Emmett told me to stay away.

My giggles stirred Mohawk and he gave me a look to kill before passing out again. I wondered how it could be comfortable sleeping with green, inch-long spikes coming out of your head.

I wondered if I could dye my hair. I texted Alice and found out I couldn't. My hair lacked the ingredients now to take the dye. Well damn.

After what felt like the longest fourteen hours the world had ever seen, we finally began our descent into New Zealand.

We exited the plane and made our way to Te Namu. Once we were there, we asked the locals if they'd seen anyone who met Edward's description.

A few of them had, and they directed us to the forest, stating there was a small house about thirteen miles away that had once been owned by a hermit and they thought he had taken to living there.

We left immediately and found the house without too much trouble.

As we walked in, I could smell Edward everywhere. I noticed that things were in a bit of disarray, something that was very uncommon for Edward. He was usually impeccably neat. He had a few drawings out, most of them of me.

But he was not here.

"Do you think he ran again?" I asked.

Alice shook her head. "I don't know. I still can't see him at all. He was in a meadow when the vision disappeared. He might be in the area still," she said.

I nodded and walked outside. I sniffed the air and found a very weak scent trail, but it was hard to determine which way it went.

We branched out and tried to figure out which way Edward had gone. We ended up going in the same direction, through the woods, searching for any sign of him or a meadow.

"Over here," Emmett called.

As I came near, I could see the meadow and a form laying in the middle of it.

"Oh my god!" I screamed, running full speed ahead. "Edward!"

He lay on the ground, unresponsive. His face looked peaceful with his eyes closed. He was not breathing, but I didn't let it scare me because I knew he didn't need the oxygen. He was asleep?

"Edward?" I said softly as I knelt down next to him. I wasn't sure if I dared to touch him. I reached out a hand and very tentatively brushed his cheek with my fingertips. "What happened?" I asked myself.

Carlisle came over and did a quick inspection.

"He_ looks_ okay. Except that he's... well, asleep or... something." I knew he hated that word when describing someone's medical condition. "How did this happen?" he asked.

"Is he going to be okay?" I asked, looking at Carlisle pleadingly.

"I don't know, Bella. We just have to wait and see if he wakes up."

_IF_. Oh, god.

"Why don't we go back to the house and wait for him?" Carlisle suggested.

"No, I'm not leaving him," I said, sitting down and preparing myself for however long this would take. I didn't care, I was not leaving him.

"We'll go. You wait here and call us if he stirs," Esme said, rounding everyone up to go back to the cottage.

"Okay," I said, nodding my head.

As they walked away, I lay down next to him and couldn't help but think of how changed our situations were. For the first time, and possibly the last, I was watching him sleep.

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A cliffie? (sigh) yes, I'm sorry. But, I had to end it there for reasons you will see in the next chapter.... Those of you who write will understand when I say the characters made me do it....

Please review? Reviews make me very happy and will maybe help to get the next chapter up a bit faster... (evil grin)


	12. Chapter 11

Author's Note - I'm so sorry this took so long to get out.... Life got in the way, lol. I hope you like this and let me know what you think. A bit of a warning to my angst lovers - it gets a bit fluffy at the end here and will continue to get fluffier. Of course, some angst will follow as they both have their issues they need to work out.

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Haunted Memories

Chapter 11

EPOV

I could hear a stream as it babbled in the distance, about a mile away from where I was. I could hear the soft sounds of forest animals as they scurried about. I could hear the breeze fluttering through the trees.

It was a surreal moment as I lay there in the grass, listening to the sounds of life around me. For a moment, I couldn't remember anything leading up to this moment. And then it all came rushing back.

For three years, I had been running from my memories of Bella. Three years I had tried to forget her and move on with my sad excuse of an existence. Three years I failed. Every couple of months, I would hear, see or somehow understand that someone from my own family had found me and was closing in. Always with their thoughts centered on Bella. I would always run, wishing they would just get the hint and leave me alone. But they never did.

I had been in this place for a month. It was comfortable; a place Bella would have loved. It was miles away from any kind of human habitation, which made it easier for me to attempt starvation. I knew it wouldn't work because Carlisle had tried the same thing. But, it made me weaker and every single day I hoped for some form of unconsciousness or death. I was finally granted unconsciousness. I don't know how, and I don't know why. I am not about to start questioning miracles. I only hope that I can somehow duplicate whatever it was.

I took a slow breath to smell the air.

"Edward?"

A sudden, anxious voice broke the silence and I wondered how in the hell anyone could have snuck up on me. They must have done it while I was unconscious. Of course there would have to be a downside to the miracle.

"Edward! Oh, my god… Carlisle!"

The voice was very familiar to me and I pushed my first instinct aside. Bella was not here; I would never see her again and that was how I wanted it. I think.

_What I wouldn't give to know exactly what happened. _I heard Carlisle's thoughts approaching, thinking about the fact that I was lying here unconscious. Or had been. I realized that, aside from breathing, I hadn't moved at all since my thoughts became coherent again. I didn't want to move. I wanted to lay here and drift back to unconsciousness.

I felt Carlisle's hands on me as he picked up my hand. I pulled it back, not wanting to be touched. He was surprised and saddened that I refused his touch.

"Is he okay?" the familiar voice asked.

"I don't know, Bella," he said, his mind mulling over different possibilities based on things he'd seen and read in his years as a vampire.

I furrowed my eyebrows. Bella? No, she wasn't here. She couldn't be here. I kept my eyes closed. I hoped that if I stayed unresponsive, except the touch thing, they would leave eventually.

I felt another hand touch the top of mine, the one I'd pulled away from Carlisle. I wanted to pull away, but the gentle buzz of electricity that accompanied the touch refused to let me. I had only ever known one person whose touch came with an electric hum. I squeezed my eyes shut refusing to believe that she was here.

But what if it was her?

I shook my head. Maybe this was a dream. I had forgotten what it was like to dream, but I would have thought that there would have been some kind of image attached to the sounds. Maybe I wasn't dreaming; maybe I was dead. How could I be, though, if Bella was here? That would mean she was dead, too.

Panic surged through me and I gave in, opening my eyes and hoping for something that would confirm that Bella was still alive.

The night sky seemed darker than usual against her beautiful face. As I gazed at her, I furrowed my eyebrows. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. Paler. Worried. She smiled tentatively as her bottom lip trembled. I looked into her eyes and became more confused. They used to be brown. Deep brown pools that I could lose myself in. They were no longer brown. They were gold. Like mine. Like a vampire.

A movement caught my attention from the corner of my eye and I turned my head slightly to see Carlisle leaning in to look at me closer. Bella moved away just slightly to allow him room.

_Holy hell_. I heard him thinking as he stared at my left eye. I turned my head away from him. _Impossible. Completely and utterly impossible._

"What is?" I snapped, a little surprised to hear my voice.

_Tears._ Was all he thought.

Oh. Right. My left eye had mysteriously sprung a leak on me right before I went unconscious. I wanted to know what Carlisle thought of that, but I wanted to know more about why Bella looked so different. It was still her; she still smelled like her… mostly. I sat up slowly and looked at her. She smiled back at me and suddenly everything was perfectly clear. She wasn't human anymore. She was a vampire now.

"What is going on?" I grated.

Her smile fell minutely, and she took a deep breath.

"Edward," she said, her voice breaking. "I..." She looked down and took a deep breath again, her lip trembling still. "I'm so… I can't express…" She smiled halfheartedly and reached out her hand to touch my arm. I didn't pull back.

It was disappointing yet not surprising to know that I still could not read her mind. I furrowed my brow, trying to read her thoughts anyway. I picked and probed at her mind, hoping to find a way in. Nothing. Carlisle was keeping his thoughts guarded and I sighed in frustration.

Her smile fell completely as she looked at me.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I'd like to know the same thing," I said, gesturing toward her.

She held her breath for a moment before she glanced at Carlisle and stood up. She walked away from me quickly and I tried to get up to go after her.

_Hold on. I need to check a few more things._ Carlisle thought as he put a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm fine. I have no idea what happened, but I'm fine. Let me up." I said, a little harsher than necessary. He released my shoulder and I stood up, going after Bella. As I walked in her direction, I started picking up on Alice. Then Jasper. Rosalie, Emmett and Esme were not far behind. The whole family came here. I had to wonder what was going on since Carlisle's thoughts were not giving anything away.

I discovered them in my house, essentially waiting for me. Alice had seen that I was on my way. Her vision coupled with Jasper's knowledge of my feelings should have clued them in. But no, they were all waiting for me. I furrowed my eyebrows in frustration as I stormed in the door, Carlisle not far behind me.

"Tell me what is going on." I snapped, looking for Bella. She was not there. I looked around and sniffed. She had been in here.

Their thoughts were a jumble, all at once, each person going over some detail or another of the last three years. I tried to concentrate on one, but they were all screaming their thoughts at me. I squinted my eyes closed and held my hands up.

"Wait, wait… One at a time, please." I said. Their thoughts turned to their apologies and I rolled my eyes.

Alice stood up and walked to me. She threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

_We thought we would never see you again._

I wanted to laugh at her. That was how I wanted it. I pushed her back slightly and looked into her eyes. I wanted to know.

"Where did Bella go?" I asked. She furrowed her eyebrows.

"She was very worried about you," she said.

"But where did she go?" I repeated.

"For a walk; to give you some space," Alice said.

This was getting me nowhere.

"Yes, Edward, Bella is a vampire. We helped her; Carlisle changed her; and she has been with us for the last three years, just about. Since she graduated," Alice said as she backed away to stand by her husband.

Jasper wasn't calming me down and I had to wonder why. He obviously felt my massive amounts of betrayal, anger and… regret?

_Yes, I feel it. You should go find her. She was very upset when she left. Hurt. Rejected. Unwanted, _Jasper thought

A part of me wanted to run again, but a bigger part wanted to find Bella so I could get her side of the story and find out why she was so upset. If any one of my family had talked her into this, I would… I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but they would definitely regret doing it.

"I'm going to look for her," I said, turning toward the door.

_Do you want us to leave, Edward?_

I looked up at Carlisle, unsure of how to answer. I wanted them to leave, but part of me tried to tell me that I only felt that way out of routine. I wanted them to stay away from me because they reminded me of Bella. My human Bella that I loved so much I would rather suffer eternity alone than make her suffer one minute of the pain of death. But she was a vampire now.

"I don't know," I said sadly. "You can stay for now," I said as I turned. "I promise I will be back. Hopefully with her. If I find her, I am going to talk to her." I knew Alice could see that, but I wanted the rest of them to hear it from me.

I left and I followed her scent. I took a moment to let myself really smell her again and appreciate the sweet scent without the burn of thirst. What I wouldn't give to put my nose against her throat now and smell her. I tracked her to the edge of a small river not too far from the little house and her scent ended. I assumed she crossed the river, so I jumped over and smiled when I found her scent again. I continued to follow her, listening for any sign of her.

I heard breathing about ten yards ahead of me. I focused my eyes and I could see her tucked into a little cave of sorts fashioned out of the branches of the trees and bushes surrounding her. Her breathing hitched and I furrowed my brow. Was she crying? I walked to her, hoping that she would not run from me. I certainly deserved it, but I didn't want it.

"Bella?" I said softly.

I heard her gasp and knew she must have been concentrating on something very intensely to avoid hearing my approach. She looked up at me through the branches and my heart broke at the sight of her face. She was crying. Had she had any tears to shed, they would have been streaked down her cheeks. I crouched down and moved to sit beside her inside the little cave. I didn't know what to say to her as I sat there. I tried once more to hear her thoughts, focusing intently. I looked into her eyes, hoping that would make it easier. I furrowed my brow again and tried once more, giving up when she looked away from me. I was just as unable to read her thoughts as ever. I sighed in exasperation. She looked at me again and that same look of hurt I saw in the meadow was on her face. I reached out my hand to her, but she moved away from it. I furrowed my brow again as I dropped my hand to my side.

"Will you tell me why you're here?" I asked, wanting to hear her side of the story.

The look on her face seemed to become even more dejected as she gazed into my eyes for a moment before looking down.

"I'm sorry, Edward." She said quietly. "I'm so sorry."

I shook my head. "I don't understand, Bella." I said, reaching out to her once more. She took my hand in hers and held it tightly. I was amazed. I should have known she would feel like a vampire, but I was still shocked at the lack of human heat and at her strength. I gripped her hand back, reminding myself that I would not break any of her bones if I held her a little tighter. So I did. I felt her tug on her hand, but I wasn't ready to give it back yet.

"Edward." She said sadly, tugging her hand again. I looked into her eyes and let go of her hand.

"Why are you sorry, Bella?" I asked.

She looked at me for a moment before her breathing hitched again. I wanted to pull her into my arms.

"I'm so sorry that I… That we…" Her voice was unsteady as she spoke and I could not stop myself from reaching out to her. I carefully put my arm around her shoulder and tried to pull her into me. She gave in, resting her head on my shoulder. She stopped talking and just lay there, as if she refused to let one moment of our time together be tainted by speech. I felt the same to an extent, but I wanted to know what was going on her head.

"Please tell me." I whispered.

I tried to look down at her, but she buried her face in my neck and inhaled. She repeated the action a few times and I could feel her breath coming out in quiet gasps. I almost laughed, but I wanted to the same thing to her. I felt her close her eyes tightly before speaking again.

"You wanted to be left alone." She whispered. She wrapped her arms around my chest and squeezed me tightly. "I didn't want to believe that you didn't want me anymore, so I didn't give up. I'm so sorry." She said, her voice slightly muffled by my shirt.

But I heard and understood every word. _Hurt. Rejected. Unwanted._

"You thought that I didn't _want_ you anymore?" I asked incredulously. I couldn't even imagine a world in which I didn't want Bella Swan. I leaned back so I could look her in the eyes. She looked up at me and nodded hesitantly.

"You don't. I saw it in your face. You're upset with me." She said sadly.

"I am not upset with you, Bella." I said seriously, hugging her to me a little tighter. "I promise. And I have never not wanted you. I am, however, quite surprised at how different you are…" I said, dying to know what happened.

She shrugged against me and I knew if her heart still beat, she would be blushing. "I wanted to be with you, Edward. I want to be with you."

I nodded and leaned into her, sniffing her hair. I closed my eyes tightly against the wave of emotion that came over me. "When?" I asked.

"Right after I graduated," she answered. "I told Renee and Charlie that I was going to an overseas college in Italy, the family came with me and I was changed."

"Did they influence you at all?" I asked. Their fates were hanging on whatever she was about to say.

"No," she shook her head. "I got the idea from a dream. They didn't try to stop me, although Carlisle said I had to wait until I graduated."

I nodded my head.

"Jasper told me about how you didn't want me changed. I understand why, after he explained it. I'm sorry," she said, looking up at me.

I sighed and squeezed her shoulders tighter to me. "Isn't it kind of a moot point now?" I asked jokingly. I smiled at her, hoping she would understand that I wasn't upset at her. As long as she wasn't pressured into it. It was pretty much my fault, anyway.

She smiled back at me and I leaned in to kiss her forehead. A part of me was still not so sure I wasn't dreaming. Although if I were lost in my own mind, I'd be able to read hers. I drew back from her and tried one last time, meeting nothing but silence at every probe.

"What's wrong?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

"I still can't read your mind," I answered.

"Oh." She laid her head on my shoulder.

We sat in silence for a few moments, just enjoying being in each other's arms. I thought back over the last three years and how my family had tried to tell me what was going on. Every time, I ran. I felt guilty, hoping my resistance didn't cause Bella's insecure feelings about my need for her. Then something occurred to me.

"Bella?" I asked. She raised her head and looked at me with a hum.

"Last February… In Chile…?" I asked.

She smiled sadly. "That was me. I was so sure that I had you then," she said quietly.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered.

"I know why you did, Edward. I've forgiven you already," she said as she sat up just a little and nestled herself closer to me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I love you," she said simply.

We were silent for a moment as her words sunk in.

"I love you too," I said.

"So you do want me?" She asked with guarded hope.

I smiled at her. "Bella, I have never, ever, not wanted you. I have never wanted anything more than I want you. You are the only thing that has mattered to me for a long time; since you first walked into that Biology class my life has revolved around nothing but you." I said, trying to convince her that she had absolutely nothing to be worried about.

"Really?" She breathed. She looked hopeful this time. Really hopeful and almost happy as her eyes danced with the possibility that I might be telling the truth.

"Really." I said with a quick nod.

I could feel her smile against my shoulder and I turned my head to kiss the top of hers.

She raised her head and looked at me. I stared into her eyes for a moment, marveling at how she seemed to improve on the color gold. I'd never thought anything about the color of our eyes, but the amber shade of hers was dazzling against her pale skin and dark brown hair. Her lips had retained some of their pink hue.

Without thinking, I leaned in and connected our lips. I heard her sharp intake of breath and tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let me. One of her hands came to the back of my head to keep me in place as she pressed her lips to mine.

I kissed her back, realizing how much I had missed her kisses. She pulled away and looked at me again, moving her hand from the back of my head to touch my face just below my right eye.

"How long has it been since you last hunted?" she asked.

I didn't really want to answer her. "A while," I said, looking down.

"Could we hunt together?" she asked.

Forgiveness again. "Yes, but first I think we should go see Carlisle and the others. They're waiting for a status report," I said.

She nodded and we crawled out of the trees, heading back toward my house.

* * *

Thoughts? Any theories about what might happen next? I'd love to hear from you!


	13. Chapter 12

Author's Note - You guys rock. Seriously. I adore each and every one of my readers, even if you don't review. (Although I must admit I like the ones who review just a smidgen better... just because I know who they are, lol). So, I have some good news and some bad news. The good new first - This story has been nominated for a Golden Chocolate Award in Best Angst!! Thank you, so much from the bottom of my heart, to whoever nominated this. I have an idea, but I won't divulge (raises eyebrow suspiciously). Voting hasn't started yet; it will start on July 26th. If you want to visit the Golden Chocolate Awards page, visit my profile and there is a link there.

The bad news isn't really bad news, it's just not as good as the good news, and not all that pleasant. The next few chapters are going to take a while for me to get out. I am having some family issues that need to be worked out and I will be moving shortly (don't worry, I won't go into detail). I will do my best to keep on a semi-schedule, but I can't promise that the chapters will be up every week. I'm sorry.

I would also like to let you guys know that I made a playlist for this story. If you are interested, you can go to my profile and there is a link there.

With that, I am excited to present to you Chapter 12:

* * *

Haunted Memories

Chapter 12

BPOV

Edward and I walked silently back to his house, hand in hand. I could not keep my eyes off of him. I wanted to get this status report over with so we could go hunting. I was a little concerned about him; his eyes were darker than I remember ever seeing them. He seemed okay and I remember Edward telling me that Carlisle had once attempted starvation but it was impossible. Maybe Edward had tried the same thing? I didn't know, but I did know I wanted to get something in him as soon as possible.

His left eye was also concerning me. I wasn't sure what happened, but I saw Carlisle's reaction when he saw it. It wasn't necessarily different, but it was at the same time. I'm sure no human would be able to see the very slight tint of green around the edges of his deep black irises. I just wanted to know what happened.

We walked into the house and everyone stood up. Alice was practically vibrating and I wondered if she saw him staying with us. I prayed he would, especially after I confessed that I still love him, but somehow I didn't quite believe it. It felt surreal, being with him.

Alice all but attacked him as we walked in. He hugged her tightly around the waist and nodded into her hair.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He kissed her head and she stepped back, releasing him. He took my hand again and smiled at me.

"We're glad to have you back, Edward," Carlisle said, clapping him on the shoulder and drawing him into a hug.

As Edward pulled back, he smiled and shook his head. I panicked and squeezed his hand. When he looked at me, I furrowed my eyebrows and was about to ask him if we didn't really have him back. He spoke before I could.

"You should all hate me for what I've done," he said, shaking his head again. "And yet, all I hear is 'welcome back.'"

"Because we all love you," I said. Alice nodded her head.

"Okay, Edward," Rosalie said condescendingly as she walked up to him. He smirked and Alice was suddenly right behind me, holding my shoulders. I was confused for about three tenths of a second.

Rosalie reached up and slapped Edward across the cheek so hard he was forced to take a step backward. Alice could not hold me back, though she tried. My protective side over the man I loved came out in full force and I pulled free of Alice, hissing as I leapt forward to tackle Rosalie. No one - I repeat: no one - slaps my Edward.

Everything but Rosalie and the red in my vision disappeared. I had her on the floor and was going in for a good bite to the neck before I felt an unnatural calm wash over me and I was pulled off of her.

Everyone but Rosalie, Alice and I were laughing. Alice was somewhere behind me and Rosalie was glaring at me, standing in front of Emmett with his arms around her shoulders. I could tell that Jasper was calming Rosalie as well, because she wasn't struggling against Emmett.

"Bella," I heard Edward say as he turned me around to face him. "It's okay, I promise," he said.

I looked into his black eyes and saw only humor there. He was not upset or hurt by what Rosalie did.

"Rosalie was just giving me a small bit of the anger I deserve from my family for what I've done," he said comfortingly. He leaned in and kissed my forehead.

"Yeah, Edward likes to be slapped around a bit," Emmett said.

Edward glared at him and I turned around to look right at him and Rosalie. "Then _I_ will be the one to bring out the whips," I said.

Emmett's guffaw drowned out the others' laughter and I turned back to Edward. He was looking at me with a strange expression and I just shrugged my shoulders.

Jasper lifted his calm, testing the waters and making sure I wasn't going to go after Rose again.

Rosalie huffed and I was about to give her another piece of my mind before Alice interrupted me.

"That's great, guys, but I think Edward needs to go hunt," she said, looking right at me. Edward chuckled, probably at someone's thoughts, and squeezed my shoulders briefly.

"Yes, I should. Bella is coming with me. We'll be back in a bit. I'm sure you can all handle yourselves," he said as he led me out the door.

I was still a little irritated at Rosalie, but I put it aside as well as I could so I could make sure that Edward had a good hunt.

Edward grabbed my hand and we ran together. I could tell from the way he moved that he was hurting, and I could only assume that it was from lack of hunting. We stopped and I went into my hunt mode, smelling the air and listening closely at the sounds of the forest. I noticed Edward looking at me with one raised eyebrow and I turned my attention back to him.

"What?" I asked.

He shook his head. "It's just odd, seeing you here as I'm hunting. I wish I could have been there with you on your first hunt," he said ruefully.

I chuckled. "My first hunt began about three minutes after I woke up. Not even Jasper or Emmett could stop me. It was bad," I said.

"I bet I could have stopped you," he said.

I laughed. "Probably."

My ears perked up as the sounds of a herd of red deer came closer. I smiled at Edward and took off in their direction. Edward followed me.

I stopped a few yards away from a large buck that was drinking from a stream. Edward sailed past me and attacked, knocking the buck to the ground. Its surprised whimper was cut short as Edward snapped its neck and began feeding.

I had watched the other men in my family hunt. Emmett, Jasper and Carlisle all had their own methods of bringing down their prey. But seeing Edward attack the sizeable buck with abandon was surprisingly arousing. I had hunted last week and was not incredibly thirsty, so I put aside my hunt to watch him as he dropped the depleted buck and ran after the rest of the herd. Stealth be damned, he ran full speed ahead and attacked a doe.

I ran with him and watched him over the next hour as he hunted. He also found some wolves and a ram. When he was finally sated, he had blood all over his mouth and chin and the front of his shirt was entirely bloodstained. He had never looked so good.

His crooked smile was embarrassed as he looked down at his shirt in front of me.

"Bella..." he started. I wasn't about to let him feel bad about hunting, especially when it was so... hot.

I put my fingers over his lips to hush him.

"Do you feel better?" I asked. His eyes were already quite a bit lighter and I noticed the strange green tint in his left eye had gotten slightly more prominent.

He nodded and smiled against my fingers.

"That is all that matters. Besides, I finally got to see you hunt," I said, referring to a conversation we'd had in our previous life.

I leaned in and kissed him. When I pulled back, I licked the blood off of my lips that had transferred from the kiss.

"Did you hunt?" he asked. The fact that he didn't know was testament to how concentrated he was on his own hunt.

I shook my head. "It was too much fun watching you," I replied.

We took our time wandering back to the house. He asked me questions about everything that had happened over the last three years and I answered them. He was sad when I told him about how I'd decided I couldn't have both my human and vampire family.

"Do you miss them?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," I said, looking at him again. "But deep down I knew, when I made this decision, that I was deciding vampire over human. I still love them and I do miss them, but I don't regret my decision. Especially if it means that I get to have you with me."

He kissed me again. "As long as you want me, I'll be with you," he said.

"Even if it involves the rest of eternity?" I asked teasingly.

He chuckled. "Yes."

As we came nearer to the house, Edward rolled his eyes and groaned.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Carlisle's got a few theories about what happened, but he's not giving any details until we get there; Rosalie has forgiven you, but she still wants an apology; and Alice is trying to convince everyone that we are actually on our way back," he said, rolling his eyes again.

"What do you mean Rosalie has forgiven me?" I asked, stopping to put my hands on my hips.

Edward sighed and turned to me. "Please don't be angry with her, Bella. I have been horrible; I didn't believe anyone, not even Alice, and they have never once lied to me. I deserve so much worse," he said sadly.

"Edward… Yes, you should have believed them or stopped running to at least check their story, but you didn't. It's in the past and you're with us now. Moot point, remember?" I said.

He smiled, shaking his head. "Just don't be angry with her, okay?" he pleaded.

I sighed. "I'll apologize, but I'm not going to let it all go," I said indignantly, crossing my arms over my chest.

"If that's the best I can get, I'll take it," he chuckled and we began moving again.

When we got back to the house, the entire family was waiting, as Edward had said.

Edward was finally able to greet his family. I watched with a satisfied smile on my face as he hugged everyone and tried to dodge Emmett's hand as it ruffled his hair. I stifled a giggle. Nobody said anything about the change in his eye color, but it was obvious it was on everyone's mind. I saw Edward nod and gesture toward Carlisle several times.

"Alright, little brother, on the exam table now," Jasper said as he nodded toward Carlisle.

Edward sighed and stood in front of Carlisle.

Carlisle examined Edward a little closer, asking him questions about what happened. Edward recounted what had happened in the meadow, glancing at me every few words. It hurt to know that he had been in that much pain, but I had to remind myself that it was the only reason he didn't run again.

I grasped his hand in mine as he spoke, hoping to silently tell him that it was all over now and I wasn't upset with him. Much.

When Edward fell silent, Carlisle nodded and looked down for a moment. I saw Edward nod and furrowed my brow. If Carlisle or Edward thought they were going to get away with not telling me what happened, they were sorely mistaken. I would get an answer somehow...

Carlisle looked up at me and smiled before taking a breath.

"I've heard about this before and some of my less-than-human books describe it, but I've never seen it firsthand. The theory is that if a vampire goes for an extended amount of time without hunting, and is experiencing extreme emotional turmoil, the mind can and will shut off. Similar to the way a human's would, although with a few differences. Most of the cases I've heard about do involve some physical change, usually a change in eye color," he said, examining Edward's left eye again.

"In the books that I have, the situation usually revolves around a lost mate, usually to death. The vampire wanders the world, searching for something to end their existence, until their emotional pain and physical weakness causes them to black out. In most cases, at least one eye had a slight change of color, similar to Edward. It doesn't mention if there's a specific color, but I know that Edward's eyes were green prior to his change, so I would assume that the color is whatever color they were before their change. So if their eyes were blue, they would have a blue tint, or brown if their eyes were brown before," Carlisle said.

Edward squeezed my hand and I smiled up at him.

"My theory is that the body could not express the pain adequately and created a new way before the brain shut down. I will need to do some more research and possibly examine you closer to see if I can find out how exactly your body produced the tears."

Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to him, kissing the top of my head.

I nodded, knowing I would be researching right along with Carlisle until we found the answers.

I looked up at Edward again and studied his eye. The green had become brighter as his eyes changed their color back to gold and his left eye resembled a cat's with the way the green mixed with the gold.

We moved back into the sitting area of Edward's house and we began talking about the last three years. Edward told us about how he had been running, trying so hard to forget me, and apologized more times than I care to count about what he'd done. Alice, Emmett, Jasper and I told Edward stories about my time as a vampire. Rosalie decided to share a particularly gruesome story about my first year and how I had slaughtered a group of young college students out for a party in the woods one night.

"It was the perfect horror movie plot," Emmett joked. Edward laughed and kissed the side of my head.

Esme and Carlisle told Edward about how Emmett and I had spent a lot of our time learning to cook so I could spend the week with my family. Edward was intrigued by that and I reminded him that I had told my family I was going to Italy.

We spent the next few hours talking about the last three years, each person sharing a few stories about their experiences.

It was Esme who brought up the subject of starting over in a new area with Edward in the family.

"There are a lot places we could go, but I would prefer to go back to Barrow. It was comfortable and we could easily explain our sudden disappearance with the wonderful excuse Jasper gave us of a family emergency. I'm sure we can think of something to explain Edward as well," Esme said softly.

"I agree, I want to go back to Barrow as well," Rosalie said. I saw Alice and Jasper nodding their heads in agreement. I liked it there; it was comfortable, as Esme had said, and although I didn't have a lot of experience in the matter, I had a feeling that we were better off going somewhere that we were comfortable if we wanted to live a somewhat normal human life.

"Alright, who all wants to go back to Barrow?" Carlisle asked. I raised my hand and saw that everyone else, including Edward, raised their hand as well. "It seems like Barrow it is. I think it would be best to wait until the summer is over and go back when school registration starts again. Does everyone like this idea?" he asked.

I figured it couldn't hurt, so I agreed as well.

"Where will be until then?" Emmett asked.

"I think we could stay here, in New Zealand, if that is okay with everyone," Carlisle said. "I propose we leave the South Island and head up to the forests in the North Island around the Ikawhenua Range."

"I like that idea as well," Jasper agreed.

Everyone was in agreement and we were to leave that night.

Carlisle and Esme left to go hunting and Jasper and Emmett sucked Edward into a conversation about the Volvo. He was, in my opinion, entirely too concerned about how it was. After all, it was under Rosalie's automotive care.

Alice and Rosalie came up to me, a regretful look on her face. Rosalie crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me. Oh, right. I was supposed to apologize. I furrowed my brow, wondering why it had to be so hard to say that you're sorry. I assumed it was because I wasn't really sorry. I took a breath anyway.

"I'm sorry, that I attacked you, Rosalie" I said slowly, trying to make it sound a little convincing. "But what would you have done if someone had slapped Emmett?" I asked, ignoring the fact that no one in their right mind would dare slap Emmett.

She seemed to be caught off guard by my question and her face smoothed out.

"You might have a point," she sighed. "But that doesn't mean he didn't deserve it."

"Yeah, that's what he says. He deserved it," I said, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.

~*~^~*~

When we reached the forests in the North Island the next day, we decided it would be best to avoid population as much as possible and just be our vampire selves for the next three months. The three couples marked off their own sections for when they wanted to be alone, leaving Edward and I to decide how we were going to do this. I was all for marking our own section together, but I knew that we had things we needed to work out before we could just be together. As much as I knew I needed him, the teenage girl hidden deep inside of me wanted proof that he needed me as well. I wasn't sure if he would want to mark his own section or if he wanted to be together as well.

"I think over here would be good, don't you?" he asked. We had been walking together and he stopped, turning toward me.

"Good for what?" I asked.

"Good for space, away from everyone else. Somewhere that we can sit and talk or just be together without the others," he clarified.

I wanted to pounce on him, I was so relieved. He wanted a section for us! I looked around the area, finding nothing of great importance that would make it better than any other section of the forest, except that it was with him.

"I think this will be great," I said, winding my arms around his waist and hugging him. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, resting his cheek on the top of my head.

The next week passed easily, each day and night blending into each other. I was never away from Edward's side and we talked about many things. We had our time with the rest of the family, talking and just exploring the forest like I had never been able to as a human. I understood now why so many people considered this place to be paradise on Earth. Everything was so beautiful and bright.

We didn't bring up our relationship, and I knew that both of us were stalling for time. I was afraid of what he would say if I brought it up, and somehow I was sure he was afraid of the same thing. I had to laugh at myself; I had all but ended my human life for him, but I couldn't even talk to him about it. I knew it had to happen, and had to happen soon. At least before we went back to Barrow.

Part of me wanted to wait, but another part of me wanted to get it over with quickly. The part that wanted to wait reminded me that I still had a few months before we left for Alaska and the part that wanted to get it over with quickly told me that I would be able to have a lot more fun with him now if I would just talk to him and get it over with. I was torn.

It was time for me to hunt again and I told myself that when I was back from hunting, I would talk to him. He wasn't thirsty, so he opted to stay behind with Emmett and Jasper while Alice and I went. I wasn't happy about it, but I played along nicely.

My mind was elsewhere as Alice and I hunted the deer and other animals in the forest. It took me longer than usual to sate my thirst because I was constantly worried about what I would find when I got back. Would Edward still be there? Would he take this opportunity to run again? I laughed at myself as I held the struggling deer. Of course he wouldn't. I had him back and he wasn't going anywhere.

"Bella?"

A voice in the distance brought be back to the present and I looked up to see Alice standing over me.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Sure. Why?" I asked. I looked down and realized that the deer I held still hadn't died. I had always been adamant about killing the animal before feeding to avoid causing unnecessary pain, and my guilt for the deer's pain caused me to swiftly snap it's neck. I glanced up at Alice and she crouched next to me.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I'm just worried about Edward," I said. "I shouldn't be, I know, but I am scared that he won't be there when I get back. What if he decides to leave again?" I asked.

"I understand why you're scared, Bella, but you don't need to be. I see him with us for the rest of our lives now," she said reassuringly.

"Right now, yes. But what if he changes his mind?" I wondered, paranoid.

Alice chuckled at me. "You'll see, Bella. He's in it for the long haul now. He loves you and now that he can have you, he's not going anywhere unless it's where you are."

"He's not here right now, is he?" the childish side of me countered.

She just smiled at me and took off to finish her hunt. I drained the deer in my lap and went to finish mine as well.

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So, what did you guys think? I hope Carlisle's theory was at least a little believable, lol. Tell me what you thought, if you have any theories, thoughts or suggestions!


	14. Chapter 13

Author's note - I had wanted to wait until Chapter 13 passed through beta over at Twilighted before I posed here, but I can't wait anymore. I'm too excited to get it out.

You own me. I love you. Seriously. Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, you are more awesome than you know.

Chapter 13 is done. *wipes brow* Whew!! I tell ya, trying to write a love story when you're just plain pissed off is hard. I wanted so badly to make Bella go all kung fu on Edward's ass more than once, but I restrained myself. That just isn't this Bella.

So, aside from kung fu wishes, the chapter finally got done. I honestly don't know when I am going to have the next chapter up, and that just kills me. I was doing so good, too. Hopefully within the next few weeks. Things are not going as planned, so that might just get shot down too. But have no fear, because I will finish this story. I have to, or else my friends (and probably you guys) will hate me forever if I don't. And I can't have that.

So anyway, here is the next chapter! Enjoy!

* * *

Haunted Memories

Chapter 13

When we got back to our area, Edward and the rest of the family were exactly where we had left them. Edward smiled at me and kissed me as I sat next to him. I kissed him back, far more relieved that I cared to admit that he was still here. Either Jasper didn't pick up on my relief, or he didn't think it was too out of place. I'm sure if he thought something was out of place, he'd confront me about it before I could even work up a good story.

We spent that night telling stories and entertaining each other much like we had done throughout the week.

Esme and Carlisle were telling us again about some of the events that happened when they came together and as Carlisle was talking, Esme was looking at him with a loving gleam in her eye. It was nice to finally be able to look at Edward the same way.

I remembered suddenly that I was going to talk to him about our relationship. I wanted to back down again, but I knew it needed to happen. When Carlisle was done with his story, Esme stood up and tugged on his arm. They excused themselves to their section of the forest, the others going to their sections as well. Edward and I walked to our section and I could feel my anxiety rising with each footstep.

"Something on your mind?" Edward asked.

I looked up at him and I'm sure my expression was probably terrified.

"You look pensive. Is everything okay?" he prodded.

I knew this was my perfect opportunity, so I closed my eyes and nodded, turning to face him.

"Yeah, everything's okay. There's just something that I would like to talk to you about," I said, the words trying their best to stick in my throat.

He sat down next to a tree and gestured for me to sit next to him. I sat down next to him and he put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. I wanted to just stay there like this, silent and in his arms.

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

For once, I wished that he could just read my mind so I didn't have to say it. I took a breath to say something and realized I had no idea how I was going to start this conversation. I just knew how I wanted it to end.

Edward waited surprisingly patiently for me to gather my thoughts. I finally decided on something to say and leaned back slightly to look into his eyes.

"Edward, I want to talk to you about… us," I said, hesitating on the word. In my head, it sounded like I was breaking up with him. "What I mean is I want to know what you think about us."

He furrowed his brow for a moment, probably trying to decipher my code.

"Well, Bella," he started, looking down for a moment. "I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but I think, maybe, we belong together?" he said, sounding as if he were asking a question.

I took a deep breath. "I hope so," I said softly. "I mean, we are back together, which is good, but are we really together?" I tried to clarify.

"Do you want to be?" he asked.

I furrowed my brow, hating that he was turning it back on me. I had done everything I could to be with him.

"Of course I do, Edward. I want to know what _you_ want," I said, getting a little annoyed.

He leaned his head back against the tree and tightened his arm around my shoulders. "I want to be with you, Bella. I really do. But I feel kind of lost, you know? I learned how to be with you when you were human until… that… happened. But now I'm not sure what to do," he said slowly.

I nodded. I understood. Kind of. We were both out of our element, trying to salvage what we had created before.

"I had convinced myself when I met you that nothing could get any better. What I had with you then was the most amazing thing to ever happen to me and I just couldn't make myself believe that anything better could exist. And yet, with you here now, as a vampire, and we can be together without boundaries, it is better and yet terrifying at the same time. I can't seem to convince myself that I won't kill you if I hold you as tightly as I want to or that if I close my eyes for a moment, I won't wake up again in the meadow, alone, and find that this has been a dream." He turned his head to look at me.

"I'm afraid of that, too," I confessed. "Not the killing me part, of course, but of this being some kind of illusion or dream. When I went hunting today, I was so afraid that you wouldn't be here when I got back."

"I will always be here for you, Bella. I am not leaving this country without you. You're stuck with me for the rest of your existence. Do you think you can handle that?" he asked teasingly.

I looked up at him. I loved the sparkle in his eyes as he smiled down at me. The difference in eye color was strange, but somehow marked him as mine more than anything else.

"I can handle it only if you can handle being stuck with me for the rest of your existence," I said softly.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he whispered, then leaned in to kiss me gently.

As much as I loved his kisses, I'd had more than enough of his gentle, repressed kisses. I wanted him to show me his passion. I sat up a little and pushed my lips to his, hoping he would get my hint.

Thank god he did. He broke the kiss and moved his arm from around my shoulders to my waist, arranging me so I was sitting sideways on his lap.

I turned by body to him and he took my face in his hands.

"I love you, Isabella Marie Swan," he said seriously, giving me another gentle kiss. "More than I could have ever imagined. I want to be with you for the rest of my existence, even if that means the rest of eternity." He pressed his lips to mine again, harder this time. I brought my hands up to hold on to his shoulders and pull myself closer.

I pulled back slightly this time. "And I love you, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. I hope we get the rest of eternity," I whispered before going in for the kill.

I was bound and determined to recreate the kiss from what I could remember of the dream I'd had when I decided that becoming a vampire was the answer. I moved my hands to the back of his head and crushed my lips against his. He held me tightly as he kissed me back. I was more than ecstatic when he took the initiative and opened his mouth. I could tell he was nervous by the way he hesitated. I decided that I had had enough waiting. I reached out my tongue, searching for his. Thankfully, he didn't make me wait. The taste of him that I remembered from my dream was nothing compared to him. I kissed him harder, wishing I could wrap myself up in him and never let go. He held me tighter as we kissed, our breath becoming labored. I had never felt so much excitement in my life as I pushed my body against him as best I could in our position.

He began pushing me back and I pulled back, furrowing my eyebrows. He was breathing heavily and took a moment to calm himself. The lust in his eyes made me want to kiss him again. He wouldn't let me as he kept his hands on my shoulders.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Surely he wanted to kiss me as much as I wanted to kiss him?

"Nothing is wrong, Bella, but I think that we should take this slowly and try to rebuild our relationship from the ground up before we tackle this. Things have changed and as we decided earlier, we can't go into this with the thought that everything is going to be the same as it was before. We both need to discover each other again," he said softly.

I nodded. "I agree."

With that, I laid my head on his shoulder and just rested against him. I let my mind wander over the last three years and what I could remember of my human life. Most of it was very fuzzy and hard to recall, but some things were clearer than others. Most of the clearer memories were of Edward. I focused on them like I had many times before because I didn't want to lose them. I recalled the way he would come into my room at night. I sighed deeply.

"Are you okay?" Edward whispered.

"Yes," I replied, "I was just trying to remember our relationship before. You know, when I was a human." It still felt odd to say that. _When I was a human._

"Is it hard for you?" he asked.

I wasn't sure how to answer that. "It is but it isn't. I remember small details and larger ones, but some things are very fuzzy. I remember things about you, but it's my own reactions that I find hard to recall. I remember my reaction to our first kiss, but I can't quite recall how I reacted to our last," I answered.

We sat in silence as my confessions sunk in.

"I remember," he said softly. It was the day before I left you, after Alice said you needed a personal day. I kissed you and your heart rate picked up. It wasn't unusual, but it was somehow faster than usual. I wasn't sure if you suspected anything, but I remember that I wanted to get out of there so I could talk to Alice about what she had seen."

"I can't remember if I suspected anything or not. I remember everything about the next day clearly, though. I remember how I had been so happy to see you. Like I knew you couldn't stay away from me," I looked up at Edward when he sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about it," I whispered.

"No, Bella, it's okay. We probably should talk about it. I can't tell you how many times I've heard in a couple's thoughts of the things they hide away and how it destroys their relationships. As much as it hurts to remember it, I think we should get it out of the way so we can put it behind us," he said, smiling at me. I smiled back.

"That sounds reasonable," I said. "I remember that I was convinced you had become someone else. I was honestly scared."

"That's what I had hoped for," he chuckled bitterly, "I wanted you to be frightened of me and let me go. Did it work at all? Even a little?" he asked.

"Yes, for a while. And then I talked to Alice and she explained things in a different light and I understood. At first, I didn't know that you were pretending. I was afraid that I was going to die. I had even gone so far as to create a new Edward in my head. There was you, who loved me, and then the new you, who wanted to kill me. I locked my window," I confessed.

Edward laughed out loud. "Did you think that would have kept me out?" he asked.

"No, I didn't. But I know it made me feel slightly safer."

He kissed my head and chuckled again. "So after you talked to Alice, you weren't afraid anymore?"

"No, I wasn't. I realized that you hadn't been taken over by someone else, and that you were only trying to keep me alive. It wasn't too long after that that I had the dream about becoming a vampire."

Edward nodded.

"Where did you go, when you left?" I asked.

"Siberia first," he answered. "I went everywhere I could think to go. A few months later, I found myself in Alaska and realized that I was coming back to you. That was the first time I heard them coming and I ran. I was so stupid!" He reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair, clenching his fist.

I reached up and pried his hand out of his hair. It wasn't easy, but I felt triumphant when he finally loosened his grip and wrapped his arm around me again. I smoothed his hair down as best I could and laid my head on his chest.

"Edward," I whispered. He hummed softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said, bending down to kiss the top of my head.

We stayed in that position for a few more hours, talking about the situation we both wanted to forget. I told him the first time he ran from his family was when I was on my way to New York right after graduation. He looked hurt, and I wanted to skip over it all, but I knew it needed to be discussed. When I was finished explaining, he told me about his time, how frustrated he would get with his family for their persistence. He looked at me apologetically and I just smiled at him. We were going to get through this.

"I'm not sure how, but I think I hoped I would find a place where I could forget you. Or at least think about you less. I wanted you to be safe and alive. I had to stop myself from going back to Forks many times. Especially around the time of your birthday and certain days I know you like, like Christmas and Valentine's Day." He spoke softly, holding me tightly.

"I have a question," I said.

"Alright."

"Last February in Chile, when you saw me, why did you run? Why didn't you stop?" I asked.

He breathed a heavy sigh before answering. "I saw you, but I didn't believe that it was you. I was so entrenched in my belief that you wouldn't want anything to do with me or vampires after what I had done to you that I didn't even allow myself to consider any alternative. I wanted you to move on with your life and be happy. To be honest, I wasn't sure that I wasn't hallucinating."

I couldn't help but laugh a little. He explained how he had come here to New Zealand and how he had decided to do what he did in the meadow. It didn't get easier to hear the second time, but I listened anyway, knowing it was the only way we would be able to get past this as a couple. We couldn't afford any uncertainty or unanswered questions on either of our parts.

After we both talked about the last three years and asked questions directly related to the event of him leaving, we finally got to sit in peaceful silence. After a few minutes, Edward rearranged us so that we were lying next to each other. He held me tightly and smiled at me.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," I said back.

"I've said that quite a bit, haven't I?" he said softly.

"It's okay. I won't get tired of hearing it. Besides, we've got a lot of time to make up for," I giggled. He smiled and kissed me.

The next week passed easily. Edward and I continued to talk about our relationship and build our foundation. We talked about everything. It was similar to what I could remember of our relationship after I'd first found out what he was.

The rest of the family gave us our space, but it was painfully obvious that Alice at least was beyond thrilled with our progress. I could often hear Emmett making comments about when we would get down to it. They were usually followed by the sound of Rose's hand smacking the back of his head.

Rosalie and I were on speaking terms again. We had both gotten past her stunt (I still refused to believe it was _my_ stunt) and according to Edward she had some kind of new respect for me because of it. I doubted it, but I went along with it anyway.

When it was time for Edward to go hunting again, I decided to tag along.

"What should we hunt?" he asked.

I smiled sweetly as I said, "penguins."

Edward looked at me with a confused expression for a moment. "Penguins?" he clarified.

"Yes, penguins. I know they have them here. We'll probably have to go south, though."

He laughed at me. "Bella, trust me, you don't want penguins. They're disgusting."

"Shouldn't I have to discover that on my own?" I asked, looking up at him with an innocent expression.

"Perhaps, but this time, I'm telling you: you don't want them," he said firmly.

I sighed. "Alright," I said dejectedly. I knew I was working it, but I really wanted to know what the big deal with penguins was. "What do you suggest?"

It was a moment before he answered. "You really want to hunt penguins?" he asked.

I beamed up at him and nodded.

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. "Alright. We'll go find penguins. But I'm warning you, you won't like them. After, we'll see if we can find some carnivores to get the taste out of your mouth."

I smiled triumphantly and followed him as he led the way to our prey.

I should have listened to him.

We found a colony of penguins on the South Island and Edward let me do my thing. I was a little disappointed that he didn't hunt them with me, but I knew he didn't like them, so I wasn't going to push it. I'd gotten what I wanted anyway.

I searched around until I found a few that were separate from the crowd, enough that it wouldn't be difficult to pull one of them into the trees. I grabbed the larger of the three and drug it with me the few feet to the trees. It was small and I killed it easily, then bit the neck to draw out the blood.

Blood was supposed to be blood. No matter the animal, it was supposed to taste like blood and soothe the thirst. Or so I had thought. I knew that if I had to, I could stay strong hunting penguins. But I would rather not. The taste was bland and fatty and I can't even say for sure that I drained the animal. I felt bad, knowing I had killed the animal unnecessarily. I should have listened to Edward.

He was beside me with a knowing smirk on his face. I glared at him and he just shrugged his shoulders. He was right. Of course he was not to blame. He tried to talk me out of it.

"You were right," I said softly.

"I know." He held his arms out to me and I let him embrace me. I kissed his chin and tried to glare at him, but I just couldn't.

"What makes them taste like that?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, honestly. Perhaps their diet of fish and the layers of fat they have to keep warm?"

I nodded. It sounded like a decent theory, even if it probably wasn't true.

After that, Edward led the way to find something better. We both hunted, and I found myself staring at him more than once. Unlike last time, he was able to use his brain, calculating his next move. A part of me missed the reckless way he had first hunted, but another part of me found this way to be more attractive.

He looked up from the animal he had just drained and I looked away quickly. I was happy that my blush didn't give me away. He must have noticed me staring anyway. He came over to me and kissed me. As we finished our hunt, I could tell he was showing off just a little more than usual. I laughed to myself and decided to just enjoy the show he was putting on for me.

* * *

So, what did you think? Hopefully my emotional state did not make it crappy. That would be bad. Let me know what you think. I have finally done some actual outlining on this story (thank you, www (dot) tlydf (dot) com - check it out if you haven't already. All kinds of good twilight stuff over there) and I know how this going to end. We've got four more chapters and we're done. I do have a question for you, though. Would you like to see a lemon in this story? If so, it would take place in the last chapter. I have a few ideas of what I would like to do, but I am not certain if I am going to make it citrusy or not. Let me know what you think.


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